‘Energy vampires’ are very real, and Gene Chizik can prove it

When you first read Auburn coach Gene Chizik's pledge to remain on guard against "energy vampires" that threaten to waste his valuable time and verve, you probably thought he was making the term up. What is an "energy vampire," anyway? A talk radio host? A random blogger? An actor with lightning for fangs?

In fact, the concept of an "energy vampire" was pioneered by the famed dentist turned celebrity "hypnotherapist," Dr. Bruce Goldberg, to describe an "unhappy lot" of people who "seem to drain the energy of those unprotected people around them" by various means. These are "well-meaning, normal people" who are nevertheless inclined to launch "premeditated psychic attacks" to bolster their own life forces at the expense of others'.

"You will observe this process at work in any public gathering," Dr. Goldberg writes, and so Gene Chizik has, having carefully observed and documented examples of each of Goldberg's five types of energy vampires throughout his career:

The Ethereal Type: LES MILES, SEC West rival.
Dr. Goldberg says: "Existential terror is the predominant issue of an ethereal type. Most often these troubled souls have been tortured to death in previous lives for their metaphysical beliefs or practices. Their only escape was to leave the body, so out-of-body experiences are the norm with them today."

Common traits of the Ethereal Type
• Leaving their physical body often throughout the day.
• Weak boundaries and tendency to spend as much time as possible on the spiritual realms.
• Difficulty relating to linear time.

"The result of these inclinations is both withdrawal and aggression. They become aggressive and angry when forced to function on the earth plane. Their psychic attack on you is rarely premeditated, but nonetheless you must protect yourself from these individuals."{YSP:MORE}

The Insecure Type: MARK MANGINO, former Big 12 North rival.
Dr. Goldberg says: "The main issue with insecure types is nurturance. These souls have been through many incarnations during which there simply was not enough food or love to go around. They usually were abandoned at some time in their present life, and fear it will happen again."

Common traits of the Insecure Type
• Feeling that everyone around them is draining their energy; their response is to suck the energy from others to compensate.
• Compulsive, classically overweight and susceptible to addictions of all kinds.
• Energy needs and nurturing requirements that will never be satisfied. To solve this deficiency, they must persist in draining the energy from others, creating a vicious cycle.

"Never stand directly in front of this person. Do not make eye contact with him or her, if possible. Encourage them with words, but do not offer to do things for them. Remember these individuals live in constant fear of rejection and abandonment. Do not let your pity for them be a basis for you being their next victim."

The Paranoid Type: NICK SABAN, nemesis.
Dr. Goldberg says: "Paranoid types are soldiers still trying to win a war that no longer exists against an enemy that has long since perished. They do not trust anyone. Everyone is their enemy and life is their battleground. Fear is everywhere and an ingrained part of their personality makeup."

Common traits of the Paranoid Type
• Inability to admit defeat: To lose for a paranoid is to admit that they are bad.
• Hard workers, obsessive-compulsive, usually quite healthy physically.
• Never enough time for them to accomplish their various goals.

"Paranoid types are seductive, but are incapable of long-term relationships. They insist you agree with their often-distorted view of the world. In reality, they want you to argue with them. This way they can win the argument and prove to themselves that they are good and you are bad. Never argue with this person. Refrain from making eye contact with them. Lower and soften your voice when you speak to them, and change the topic to something pleasant."

The Passive-Aggressive Type: LANE KIFFIN, fellow SEC coaching hire, class of 2008.
Dr. Goldberg says: "Invasion and being controlled is the chief concern of the passive-aggressive type. During several past incarnations, they experienced being controlled and trapped in situations, and prevented from being able to express themselves in ways they wanted to. They may have been slaves, prisoners, or been victimized by religion or governments."

Common traits of the Passive-Aggressive Type
• Lacks autonomy. Constantly strives to involve other people in their lives.
• Lives in the now, and never plans or thinks about the future.
• Self-expression is unknown to the passive-aggressive type.
"This type of individual creates an internal world of unclear, undifferentiated fantasies and ideas, with fear at the core of this world. They imprison themselves and project loneliness, desperation, and resentment toward everyone they contact. It is impossible for them to express anger."

The Robot Type: URBAN MEYER, once and future champion.
Dr. Goldberg says: "The main issue of robotic types is authenticity. They are denying their true self. During previous lifetimes, they had to keep up the appearance of being perfect in order to survive. They were most likely in charge of running things, as they probably are now."

Common traits of the Robot Type
• Constant fear that something is missing and life is progressing without them.
• To deal with this reality, robot types try to become even more perfect.
• High-paying job, good reputation, perfect spouse and family, appearance of perfect health.
"The more inauthentic they act, the more meaningless the world appears. Others envy their lifestyle. People come to them with their problems. The robot types never attain satisfaction from life, and come across as a blank. They function as if on automatic pilot and are often removed from your conversation."

Clearly, Gene Chizik has succeeded in his field because of his recognition that these five types of psychic parasites must be identified and dealt with accordingly, or a psychic attack upon his and his team's wellbeing is inevitable. And also his recognition that he can achieve a brief hypnotic effect in opponents via Trooper Taylor's towel.

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All quotes are verbatim from Goldberg's very real article on energy vampires on his personal site. Hat tip: David Morrison.
Matt Hinton is on Twitter: Follow him @DrSaturday.