Big Ten Misery Index: We lined up Jim Harbaugh substitutes for Michigan's entire season
Welcome to Week 3 of Big Ten football 2023, or as Jim Harbaugh calls it, “the last day of summer vacation.”
We know, we know, we shouldn’t kid, considering we here at the Big Ten Misery Index also took the first couple Saturdays of the 2023 season off, and also for non-burger-related reasons. Then again, we didn’t have to spend the summer negotiating with the NCAA over a potential suspension, only to have it all blow up in the leadup to the season opener. (Or did we?)
In any event, Michigan football’s suspension of coach Harbs, requiring fill-ins — Harb-stitutes? — for three weeks apparently started a trend, as Week 3 was big for fill-ins around the Big Ten: Michigan State football had secondary coach Harlon Barnett filling in for Mel Tucker, Iowa football had somebody named “Kirk Fernetz” filling in for Kirk Ferentz and Michigan, of course, was on its fourth replacement (thanks to some creative time-sharing) for coach Harbs, offensive coordinator Sherrone Moore.
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Some of those fill-ins, of course, fared better than others (sorry, coach Barnett) but the success of Michigan’s Dial-A-Coach plan — a combined score of 96-16 against three Group of Five cheeseburgers … er, cupcakes — got us to wondering whether coach Harbs actually needs to show up at Michigan Stadium (or wherever the Wolverines are scheduled to play this year) on Saturdays. He seems to have found ways to entertain himself — maybe give the NFL résumé a quick once-over? — and the sideline interviews have been at least a little more unpredictable at the Big House.
And so, with that in mind, we took the liberty of lining up some Harb-stitutes tailored to each opponent:
Week 4: Rutgers — When the Scarlet Knights come to town, the Wolverines will want to have someone familiar with the denizens of the New York/New Jersey metropolitan area. Perhaps a Kalamazoo product who came thisclose to going to school in Ann Arbor before starring in the Big Apple? That’s right, it’s time for a call to The Captain (and former U-M baseball commit), Derek Jeter. It may be a blowout, but at least the Scarlet Knights will depart with a nice gift basket. (Or not.)
Week 5: Nebraska — The Wolverines’ first road trip is a meeting with Big Red and the Cornhuskers? You know who else has experience with a Big Red? That’s right: Jack Harbaugh, longtime Western Kentucky head coach and current U-M associate coach. (He may also have some family connections that got him in the door in Ann Arbor. Who knows? Harbaugh is a very common name.)
Week 6: Minnesota — Michigan’s road trip has a stop in the Twin Cities, so why not turn to a local businessman? That’s right, we’re calling in Minnesota Timberwolves owner (and Jeter BFF) Alex Rodriguez. No, he’s not a U-M employee, or even an alumnus — but he does have a daughter, Natasha, in her freshman year in Ann Arbor. (Just one rule, A-Rod: No Instagram on the sidelines.)
Week 7: Indiana — Harbaughs never forget, and we’re assuming that applies to in-laws, so when the Hoosiers come to town, it’s time for husband of Joani, brother-in-law of Jim, and fired IU basketball coach Tom Crean to wear the headset. (It’s not any crazier than that push for MSU to hire Tom Izzo as football coach a few years back, right?)
Week 8: Michigan State — Well, now that Mark Dantonio has a gig lined up for the showdown at Spartan Stadium (though not a headset), the Wolverines — who, remember, went 5-8 against “Dino” during his tenure — will need to fight fire with fire, aka, Dantonio with D’Antoni: His hoops-coaching far-removed cousin, Mike D’Antoni. (Or maybe they’ll just get the two confused, again, like every other media outlet over the past 15 years.)
Week 10: Purdue — The Boilermakers brought in legend Drew Brees to help out on the road to the Citrus Bowl last winter and, hey, anything the 32nd overall pick of the 2000 NFL draft can do, the 199th overall pick that year can, too, right? C’mon down, Tom Brady — your alma mater is calling. (That is, if you haven’t come back to the NFL again by the time November rolls around.)
Week 11: Penn State — It’s the end of an era for this rivalry, which will cease to be protected — and go unplayed for at least a season, we think — once the Big Ten expands in 2024. The Wolverines hold the all-time edge over the Nittany Lions, 16-10, thanks to the work of one coach who lost his first two games against PSU, then won nine straight before his retirement following the 2007 season: Lloyd Carr!
Week 12: Maryland — The Wolverines wrap up their exhibition sched- … errrr … the non-Ohio State portion of their schedule, that is, with a visit to College Park, just a quick Lyft away from Baltimore, where yet another Harbaugh awaits: Brother John Harbaugh, who should have the weekend off, since his Ravens play in the NFL’s Thursday-night game a couple days prior.
Week 13: Ohio State — So many choices for the Buckeyes’ attempt to win in Ann Arbor for the first time since 2019! A hologram of Bo Schembechler? The guy inside the Ohio U. mascot costume that tried to beat up Brutus Buckeye back in 2010? All seven of Coach Harbs’ kids, sitting on each other’s shoulders in a giant trench coat? Nope! It’s the family’s long-lost final brother … Him Harbaugh. (Does he look just like Jim Harbaugh, but with a fake mustache and off-brand jeans instead of Lululemon pants? Maybe. But that’s just how Him rolls.)
Of course, Harbaugh’s three-Saturday absence isn’t the only shakeup in the Big Ten coaching ranks since the season started; his succession plan included bringing father Jack, age 84, back into the U-M fold as an “associate coach,” while MSU’s plan to help Barnett also brought the 67-year-old Dantonio back as an “associate coach” — which is definitely not just a fancy way of saying “dude with a sideline pass” (unless the NCAA asks).
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Add it all up, and the two associate coaches in next month’s U-M/MSU tilt in East Lansing will have a combined age of 151. But while they work on their plans for the early bird special at Golden Harvest, let’s run through the misery index, from least miserable to most in Week 3:
14. Rutgers: W, 35-16, over Virginia Tech
Record: 3-0 overall, 1-0 Big Ten.
The last time the Scarlet Knights beat Temple and Virginia Tech in the same season, all three schools were in the Big East. Which played football. And featured Cincinnati, Pitt, Syracuse and West Virginia, which are now in the Big 12, ACC, ACC and Big 12, respectively. That year — 1992 — was a long time ago, we’re saying. (Also, Rutgers QB Gavin Wimsatt was still 11 years from being born …)
13. Ohio State: W, 63-10, over Western Kentucky
Record: 3-0, 1-0.
We haven’t even finished the latest round of conference realignment — Aug. 1, 2024! — and Buckeyes pass-catcher Emeka Egbuka (who had two TDs on Saturday, so we guess he can look ahead a bit) is already staking out another rivalry: “We weren’t looking past Western Kentucky by any means, but we know this one (Notre Dame) is the big one,” Egbuka said. “We love matchup games. That’s why you come to Ohio State, to play Notre Dame in South Bend.”
12. Maryland: W, 42-14, over Virginia (Friday)
Record: 3-0, 0-0.
Give the Terps credit for working two weeks in a row on a game-specific situation they’re gonna face against Ohio State, Penn State and Michigan: Falling behind 14-0 in the first quarter. Not sure how that’s gonna help against Michigan State and Indiana the next two weeks, though.
11. Iowa: W, 41-10, over Western Michigan
Record: 3-0, 0-0.
We have no idea how many points per game offensive coordinator Brian “Fernetz” is supposed to produce to keep his contract rolling. Brian Ferentz, Son of Kirk, on the other hand, needs 25 a game; he’s at 28.3 through three games, thanks to 10 points in Saturday’s final 5:20.
(At least he’s staying calm about it.)
10. Nebraska: W, 35-11, over Northern Illinois
Record: 1-2, 0-1.
Matt Rhule picked up his first win at Nebraska in the Huskers of Corn’s first game at Memorial Stadium this year … but it still can’t touch the greatest event in Lincoln this year.
9. Indiana: L, 21-14, to Louisville
Record: 1-2, 0-1.
Call it a moral victory, though not an actual victory for the Hoosiers at the annual site of the Big Ten championship game — this is probably as close as they'll get to that for a few seasons. The key play came when Indiana’s Josh Henderson was stuffed on fourth-and-goal from the 1 with 4:39 left. “We spend a lot of time preparing for goal line,” said Louisville coach Jeff Brohm (formerly of Purdue). Considering it took the Hoosiers six quarters to score a TD against an FBS foe, we have one question for Brohm: Why?
8. Penn State: W, 30-13, over Illinois
Record: 3-0, 1-0.
Can’t complain about the Nittany Lions’ offense taking a while to wake up for an 11 a.m. start now that Old Man Clifford’s moved on to the NFL.
7. Michigan: W, 31-6, over Bowling Green
Record: 3-0, 0-0.
The Wolverines had 77 yards rushing on their first drive, and 92 the rest of the way? Didn’t realize the UAW called a standup strike at the Big House.
U-M GRADES: Defense a saving grace on underwhelming night
6. Wisconsin: W, 34-14, over Georgia Southern
Record: 2-1, 0-0.
The Badgers became the first Big Ten team since 2000 with five sacks and five interceptions in the same game — and still trailed by seven points early in the third quarter.
5. Minnesota: L, 31-13, to North Carolina
Record: 2-1, 1-0.
Coach P.J. Fleck came into the season rowing his boat against what he perceived as too-high expectations in YEAR 7: "No matter what I say, people can poke holes in that piece,'' he told the Minneapolis Star-Tribune. "If we win one [Big Ten] West title, people will say, 'Why didn't you win two?' If we went to the championship and didn't win it, it would be, 'Why didn't you win the championship?' “ Well, after a three-point win over Nebraska to open the season, and an 18-point loss to UNC on Saturday, no one will be asking those questions this year.
4. Illinois: L, 30-13, to Penn State
Record: 1-2, 0-1.
Just in case you didn’t think the Illini culture was changing under Bret Bielema, starting QB Luke Altmyer only got three quarters to throw his four interceptions.
3. Northwestern: L, 38-14, to Duke
Record: 1-2, 0-1.
A real battle between this game and Maryland/Virginia for the coveted “Most Disappointed Lacrosse Players in Attendance” award.
2. Purdue: L, 35-20, to Syracuse
Record: 1-2, 0-0.
Give the Boilermakers this: They get torn up by 6-foot-4 dudes in sports other than basketball, too.
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1. Michigan State: L, 41-7, to Washington
Record: 2-1, 0-0.
The Spartans paid tribute to their 2013 Rose Bowl squad at the half, and, uh, their 1995 Nick Saban squad for the other four quarters.
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This article originally appeared on Detroit Free Press: Big Ten football Misery Index: Big fill-ins at Michigan, MSU
