My alternative Premier League awards

Another Premier League campaign into the history books or their open-sourced online equivalent, which means it is awards season.

Sure, we know the champions, the player of the season and the tragic Billy No Mates who finished top of your office Fantasy League.

But what of the fringes, the moments which will make good montage fodder? The things you would put in a time capsule when attempting to summon the spirit of 2024? The memories which will really endure once the thrill of Manchester City lifting the trophy fades? Oh, wait, it has already.

Time for our alternative end of season awards.

The Mother Teresa award for most overshadowed departure

Never fun to have your big farewell gazumped by the affable/frightening German bloke who is more beloved on Merseyside than the Beatles, Cilla Black, Rory Storm and the vast majority of his Hurricanes. All three of our medallists deserved a proper send-off but became footnotes, thanks to the six-hour goodbye festival at Anfield.

Bronze: Ian Wright
More tears than Jürgen Klopp. Will Saturday nights and their repeats on a Sunday morning ever be the same again? Yes, probably, we will bravely continue to watch some football highlights.

Silver: Roberto De Zerbi
Not helped by its announcement on final day eve, which is hardly enough time to get your commemorative tifo display sorted let alone coordinate a 60-person guard of honour. Brighton did play a suspiciously polished farewell video which suggests they were less surprised to lose their intensely intense leader than the fans.

Gold: David Moyes
The man won a trophy, a European trophy! Had you told that to West Ham fans a decade ago they would be wondering where his statue could be found. Just next to Nando’s in the Westfield food court? As it is there was a be-bubbled lap of honour, a big screen “thank you” and one fan-made banner on a poorly-cut bedsheet which misspelt his name.

The Joe Kinnear award for kindest noun used to address journalists

Ange Postecoglou, mate.

The Blackpool FC award for doing everything right apart from staying up

Luton Town. Wonderful ground, fun to watch, bloodied some noses, likeable manager, dealt with Tom Lockyer horror beautifully. The memories will last a lifetime but the parachute payments will not. Thankfully a good chunk will go on a new stadium, which seems exactly the right use of an unexpected Premier League windfall. Less clear if they will ever return. Never mind, they have Radio 1’s Big Weekend to look forward to now. We go again, with a soundtrack of Chase & Status.

The Nick Clegg award for most unexpected new job

(Award shared)
Mark Clattenburg: Gladiators referee.
and
Mark Clattenburg: Nottingham Forest in-house referee analyst.

The Gerald Ratner award for most unfortunate quote

“Well done boys, good process”, referee Simon Hooper.

As heard on the VAR Zapruder tape, unleashed in a fug of shame after Luis Díaz’s incorrectly disallowed goal against Spurs was wrongly re-disallowed. This despite several grown-ups, experts in their field, having a good look at it on video and talking to one another throughout but SHAMEFULLY addressing one another as “mate”. But if you can’t handle VAR processes at their worst you sure as hell don’t deserve them at their slightly less worse.

The Papiss Cissé award for fantastic goalscoring streak which seems highly unlikely to continue next season

Jean-Philippe Mateta.

The Conor McGregor award for most tasteless demonstration of wealth

Manchester City selling Cole Palmer to Chelsea. You have an incredibly talented player, a star for his country’s under-21 team and, it turns out, the landslide winner of young player of the season. One of your supposed rivals wants him for about £40 milllion. Sure, deal. Watch us win the league anyway. Certainly a flex, just not a very fun one.

The Sex and the City award for least successful comeback

Chris Wilder at Sheffield United.

The Jeremy Beadle award for most humiliating moment caught on camera

Bronze: Alfie May’s celebration failure

Silver: Ronald’s corner for Swansea

Gold: Hibs’ human pinball machine

The Felix Baumgartner award for biggest achievement which fewest number of people actually care about

Bournemouth being quite good.

The gut health award for fundamentally uninteresting thing we have now heard far too much about

Bronze: Fixture congestion
Yes, we understand, you do not like playing in Europe on a Thursday then again at lunchtime on a Saturday. Yes, we understand, that is a lot to ask of athletes. Yes, agreed, flying long distances is not that interesting. No, neither is this discussion.

Silver: Points deductions
Especially in varying increments, subject to appeal, for various opaque transgressions of rules so tedious YouTubers are having honest-to-god discussions about contract amortisation.

Gold: VAR
Astonishingly not made any more fun by a TV show fronted by Michael Owen.

The Robbie Savage award for outstanding contributions to s---housery

Neil Maupay. Irritating, but anyone can be irritating. To do it this consistently and effectively takes real panache. Rare to realise you are living through a hall of fame s---housing career, but that is what we are experiencing with Maupay and we must treasure every second.

The overall winner of 2023-24

Of course it was the season of City’s title, Arsenal’s near miss, Klopp’s goodbye and Unai Emery’s brilliance but there is one man, and one photo of him which will forever be linked to this season. Please clap your hands, charge your glasses and stamp your feet for official portrait hero Sheikh Jassim, who delivered a huge amount of content from the smallest source material imaginable. In other words, the absolute dream of the modern Premier League.

Broaden your horizons with award-winning British journalism. Try The Telegraph free for 3 months with unlimited access to our award-winning website, exclusive app, money-saving offers and more.