The NFL’s “Color Rush” jerseys are out. For TV purposes, it appears the league has eliminated the color-blind madness of a year ago, which is a good thing. And 100 percent of the proceeds of them go to charity, they say, which is also a good thing.
Now there’s the all-important factor of how they look to consider. Some are good. Some are bad. Ridiculously bad. Feel-deep-shame-you-bought-one bad.
We have our opinions on such things. We hope you do, too. Granted, most of you are going to buy them based on your team fandom and not for sartorial reasons. But it’s possible that a jersey being extra special will make you buy one and the fact that it’s hideous could prevent you from whipping out your credit card for that $74.99.
So here are our lists for top five and bottom five (and as always, let us know your list in the comments below):
5. Arizona Cardinals
Our 2016 Color Rush uniforms have been unveiled.
— Arizona Cardinals (@AZCardinals) September 13, 2016
Pretty strong, right? People seemed jacked about them. Black always sells. The red sets it off nicely, and don’t dismiss the white trim on those numbers too fast. This combo with the white helmets might slightly throw us, but the strength of the jerseys themselves keep the Cardinals in the top five. Maybe they needed these on Sunday night against the New England Patriots. Couldn’t have hurt.
4. Seattle Seahawks
— Seattle Seahawks (@Seahawks) September 13, 2016
It takes a certain strong personality to wear these, we freely admit, but those who do can embrace their pride and electricity with alacrity. Seattle is a coffee town, and these jerseys have some serious juice. We get if the volume is a shade too high for you. But they are a favorite of Yahoo’s Kevin Kaduk, and he is one of the bosses, so that factor cannot be ignored. We approve.
3. Detroit Lions
— Detroit Lions (@Lions) September 13, 2016
Give the Lions your love. We’ve always felt their regular, non-Rush jerseys are underrated in general, so seeing these gives us hope that they fully can be accepted into the fashion community with open arms. The numbers really pop with that Honolulu Blue (crossed with a little Maui Wowee?) backed by that black. This is some oven-mitts material right here. Get yours now, and we will salute you heartily if we see you cruising down the strip.
2. Los Angeles Rams
Maybe your eyes were burned out by Monday’s deplorable performance on the field. Fear not — we have your ocular salve right here. Yes, we love the hot dog mustard and blue. Sue us. No, seriously, drag us into court and we’ll be donning our Todd Gurley jersey and laughing at you as the court rests in our favor. These are straight yellow fire, just like the sun.
1. New Orleans Saints
— New Orleans Saints (@Saints) September 13, 2016
Worth their weight in gold. People, gold is coming back in (or so I’ve read). Yes, they’re technically white-on-white, which would seem to fly in the face of the whole Color Rush thing, seeing as how white, some say, is really the absence of color. (Deep: But then what is black? So deep.) But seriously, the Saints pulled off a great quinella here: They found a way to merge the past — this is a throwback of sorts — with the future. That’s brilliant in our minds. The Saints are going to march into their Color Rush matchup with the Carolina Panthers and perhaps charm the garishly fashion-conscious Cam Newton into throwing five or six picks.
5. Indianapolis Colts
— Indianapolis Colts (@Colts) September 13, 2016
First, the good news: We have a whole year to protest these. The Colts’ Thursday game falls on Thanksgiving, and fear not — your family meal will not be upset because those games are exempt from Color Rush status. These are no good. Not awful, but not good. Colts owner Jim Irsay likes to wear semi-weird stuff at times, and even we can’t picture him putting one on. We predict dozens will end up on the racks of Indiana resale stores in due time.
4. Baltimore Ravens
— Elvis Dumervil (@EKD92) September 13, 2016
Like, what do we honestly think? Before you answer, we implore you to answer the question through this prism: What would 6-foot-6 Joe Flacco look like in it? We shall wait for you to stop choking on your crabcake. That’s what we thought. Grimace would look bad in these. They’re not good. Some colors lend well to this Color Rush business. Electric purple is not one of them.
3. Carolina Panthers
Week 11: #TNF
— Carolina Panthers (@Panthers) September 13, 2016
The Panthers really were the first NFL jerseys (after the Miami Dolphins, perhaps) to challenge the whole new generation of uniforms a generation ago without becoming too XFL-ish. They have ridden that razor’s edge for a long time. Occasionally cool, sometimes out of bounds. This one pushes it straight into the Atlantic. That blue is the color of the barf in our worst nightmares. And someone else can clean it up, as far as we are concerned. Saints will win by seven touchdowns in this uni battle, we predict.
2. Miami Dolphins
— Hard Rock Stadium (@HardRockStadium) September 13, 2016
See above. The Dolphins were visionaries of sorts when they entered the league with uniforms that made the Pall Mall-smoking fans of the early 1970s question why the league would annex such a visual catastrophe. But somewhere along the line their uniforms were considered cool and welcomed into the NFL boys club — somewhere around when “Miami Vice” was in its heyday, perhaps. Now? These Rush jerseys take us back to a terrible, DayGlo-steeped place. The aqua is gone, shelved for a hot cup of Sunny D. We’re about ready to dump it on the head of the next guy we see wearing one.
1. Jacksonville Jaguars
— Jacksonville Jaguars (@Jaguars) September 13, 2016
Still the worst. Unquestioned, really. Maybe this and the Dolphins are more proof for the #AvoidFlorida movement. The Jags took the worst color on the palate and served it as the main meal. We’ll eat before the game, thanks. If you’re going to go bold, go bold. This is taking an unlikable color and jamming it down our throats — pablum without the sweetener — and not giving us anything to wash it down with. We tried to look up this color and came up with something in the sepia-raw umber-bronze-ochre neighborhood. Time to put up the “for sale” sign there, even if no one appears to be buying.
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