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MLB Power Rankings: Nationals No. 1 despite themselves

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On the Dodgers’ unique blend of attributes, Tigers’ fans vs. Tigers’ closer, scorpions in spring training and Matt Kemp’s hips:

The rankings (records and previous rankings through regular season, 2014):

Washington
Washington

1. Washington Nationals (96-66; Previous: 3) – Nats once again best team on paper, which, so far, has resulted in zero playoff series wins and many very cool airplanes.


Los Angeles
Los Angeles

2. Los Angeles Angels (98-64; Previous: 1) – Angels out of playoffs so fast they barely had a chance to unpack, but did come home with some nice towels and bathrobes.


Los Angeles
Los Angeles

3. Los Angeles Dodgers (94-68; Previous: 4) – Interesting mix of new-school advanced analytics and old-school no television.


St. Louis
St. Louis

4. St. Louis Cardinals (90-72; Previous: 5) – Article says David Bell has “right DNA” to manage in big leagues, but still need to check for fingerprints.


Detroit
Detroit

5. Detroit Tigers (90-72; Previous: 7) – If Joe Nathan and Tigers fans don’t stop it we’re going to pull this car over RIGHT NOW!


Seattle
Seattle

6. Seattle Mariners (87-75; Previous: 11) – Last time Mariners were in playoffs Jamie Moyer was only 38.


Baltimore
Baltimore

7. Baltimore Orioles (96-66; Previous: 2) – O’s to increase vegan dishes at Camden Yards, totally ready for AL East war of nutrition.


Boston
Boston

8. Boston Red Sox (71-91; Previous: 26) – Frankly, in all the commotion, Red Sox forgot whether this is a worst or first year.


Cleveland
Cleveland

9. Cleveland Indians (85-77; Previous: 12) – Teammates park Jose Ramirez’s car at shortstop. Worse, they gave the keys to Slider.


Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh

10. Pittsburgh Pirates (88-74; Previous: 6) – Sean Rodriguez is quick-pitched by a man named Slowey, fails to see irony.


San Diego
San Diego

11. San Diego Padres (77-85; Previous: 20) – Matt Kemp would like you to know his hips are still “unbelievable.” You know, in case you were wondering.


Miami
Miami

12. Miami Marlins (77-85; Previous: 19) – If you want a free-agent Ichiro, do not get one at one of those free-agent Ichiro farms. Adopt.


Chicago
Chicago

13. Chicago White Sox (73-89; Previous: 22) – Spring training went pretty well other than the scorpions. Hell, there can’t be anything good with scorpions.


San Francisco
San Francisco

14. San Francisco Giants (88-74; Previous: 10) – If Sandoval never liked them, then where did all these love letters come from? Exactly.


Toronto
Toronto

15. Toronto Blue Jays (83-79; Previous: 14) – Kevin Pillar sneezed and blew an oblique. You don’t wanna know what happened when he coughed.


Chicago
Chicago

16. Chicago Cubs (73-89; Previous: 24) – Edwin Jackson gets lost on way to spring game. In fairness, it was distracting when Siri kept telling him to throw more strikes.


Kansas City
Kansas City

17. Kansas City Royals (89-73; Previous: 9) – Are they still America’s team? We can’t keep track.


New York
New York

18. New York Mets (79-83; Previous: 17) – Hallmark can’t believe it didn’t think of Harvey Day.


Oakland
Oakland

19. Oakland Athletics (88-74; Previous: 8) – Yep, new year, same ballpark.


New York
New York

20. New York Yankees (84-78; Previous: 13) – Yeah, yeah, we know, George would’ve screamed and yelled at all of this. Got it.


Tampa Bay
Tampa Bay

21. Tampa Bay Rays (77-85; Previous: 16) – Rays want to know what they’re supposed to do with all the goofy clothes Maddon made them buy.


Cincinnati
Cincinnati

22. Cincinnati Reds (76-86; Previous: 21) – It’s not so much that Brandon Phillips thinks on-base percentage is overrated, but that he believes MLB Network made it up.


Milwaukee
Milwaukee

23. Milwaukee Brewers (82-80; Previous: 15) – Hank the Dog feels like Ichiro is being a little flip with his analogies.


Houston
Houston

24. Houston Astros (70-92; Previous: 25) – Well, now that a young man’s undergone surgery and has his arm in a cast, everybody can feel a little better.


Atlanta
Atlanta

25. Atlanta Braves (79-83; Previous: 18) – Buck retires. So, turns out, it stops in Orlando.


Texas
Texas

26. Texas Rangers (67-95; Previous: 29) – On way up from cellar, important to hold onto Banister.


Minnesota
Minnesota

27. Minnesota Twins (70-92; Previous: 27) – Molitor starting to understand why Gardenhire seemed so happy.


Colorado
Colorado

28. Colorado Rockies (66-96; Previous: 28) – New AP Stylebook bans “dingers,” Rockies forced to retire mascot.


Arizona
Arizona

29. Arizona Diamondbacks (64-98; Previous: 30) – Realistic D’backs feel they are a year or two from contending in NL West, could however make immediate waves in True Baseball Team division.


Philadelphia
Philadelphia

30. Philadelphia Phillies (73-89; Previous: 23) – Wait’ll the weepy Villanova piccolo player gets a load of the local baseball team.


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