MLB Power Rankings: Nationals No. 1 despite themselves
On the Dodgers’ unique blend of attributes, Tigers’ fans vs. Tigers’ closer, scorpions in spring training and Matt Kemp’s hips:
The rankings (records and previous rankings through regular season, 2014):
1. Washington Nationals (96-66; Previous: 3) – Nats once again best team on paper, which, so far, has resulted in zero playoff series wins and many very cool airplanes.
2. Los Angeles Angels (98-64; Previous: 1) – Angels out of playoffs so fast they barely had a chance to unpack, but did come home with some nice towels and bathrobes.
3. Los Angeles Dodgers (94-68; Previous: 4) – Interesting mix of new-school advanced analytics and old-school no television.
4. St. Louis Cardinals (90-72; Previous: 5) – Article says David Bell has “right DNA” to manage in big leagues, but still need to check for fingerprints.
5. Detroit Tigers (90-72; Previous: 7) – If Joe Nathan and Tigers fans don’t stop it we’re going to pull this car over RIGHT NOW!
6. Seattle Mariners (87-75; Previous: 11) – Last time Mariners were in playoffs Jamie Moyer was only 38.
7. Baltimore Orioles (96-66; Previous: 2) – O’s to increase vegan dishes at Camden Yards, totally ready for AL East war of nutrition.
8. Boston Red Sox (71-91; Previous: 26) – Frankly, in all the commotion, Red Sox forgot whether this is a worst or first year.
9. Cleveland Indians (85-77; Previous: 12) – Teammates park Jose Ramirez’s car at shortstop. Worse, they gave the keys to Slider.
10. Pittsburgh Pirates (88-74; Previous: 6) – Sean Rodriguez is quick-pitched by a man named Slowey, fails to see irony.
11. San Diego Padres (77-85; Previous: 20) – Matt Kemp would like you to know his hips are still “unbelievable.” You know, in case you were wondering.
12. Miami Marlins (77-85; Previous: 19) – If you want a free-agent Ichiro, do not get one at one of those free-agent Ichiro farms. Adopt.
13. Chicago White Sox (73-89; Previous: 22) – Spring training went pretty well other than the scorpions. Hell, there can’t be anything good with scorpions.
14. San Francisco Giants (88-74; Previous: 10) – If Sandoval never liked them, then where did all these love letters come from? Exactly.
15. Toronto Blue Jays (83-79; Previous: 14) – Kevin Pillar sneezed and blew an oblique. You don’t wanna know what happened when he coughed.
16. Chicago Cubs (73-89; Previous: 24) – Edwin Jackson gets lost on way to spring game. In fairness, it was distracting when Siri kept telling him to throw more strikes.
17. Kansas City Royals (89-73; Previous: 9) – Are they still America’s team? We can’t keep track.
18. New York Mets (79-83; Previous: 17) – Hallmark can’t believe it didn’t think of Harvey Day.
19. Oakland Athletics (88-74; Previous: 8) – Yep, new year, same ballpark.
20. New York Yankees (84-78; Previous: 13) – Yeah, yeah, we know, George would’ve screamed and yelled at all of this. Got it.
21. Tampa Bay Rays (77-85; Previous: 16) – Rays want to know what they’re supposed to do with all the goofy clothes Maddon made them buy.
22. Cincinnati Reds (76-86; Previous: 21) – It’s not so much that Brandon Phillips thinks on-base percentage is overrated, but that he believes MLB Network made it up.
23. Milwaukee Brewers (82-80; Previous: 15) – Hank the Dog feels like Ichiro is being a little flip with his analogies.
24. Houston Astros (70-92; Previous: 25) – Well, now that a young man’s undergone surgery and has his arm in a cast, everybody can feel a little better.
25. Atlanta Braves (79-83; Previous: 18) – Buck retires. So, turns out, it stops in Orlando.
26. Texas Rangers (67-95; Previous: 29) – On way up from cellar, important to hold onto Banister.
27. Minnesota Twins (70-92; Previous: 27) – Molitor starting to understand why Gardenhire seemed so happy.
28. Colorado Rockies (66-96; Previous: 28) – New AP Stylebook bans “dingers,” Rockies forced to retire mascot.
29. Arizona Diamondbacks (64-98; Previous: 30) – Realistic D’backs feel they are a year or two from contending in NL West, could however make immediate waves in True Baseball Team division.
30. Philadelphia Phillies (73-89; Previous: 23) – Wait’ll the weepy Villanova piccolo player gets a load of the local baseball team.
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