On the anonymity of being a Yankee, David Price's secret weapon and Matt Harvey's secret message:
The rankings (records through Wednesday):
1. Milwaukee Brewers
(16-6; Previous: 7) – Maybe when all these pitchers stop worrying about what Carlos Gomez
does after he hits a line drive, they can figure a way to keep him from doing it.
2. Oakland Athletics
(13-8; Previous: 5) – A's decline 10-year lease offer from Oakland Coliseum Authority, opt for parole instead.
3. Atlanta Braves
(14-7; Previous: 8) – NL ERA leader is Harang. Also, accurately describes what agent had to do to get NL ERA leader a job.
4. Texas Rangers
(14-8; Previous: 18) – Rangers have to recall utility infielder from minors, as their disabled list is packed like Sardinas.
5. Los Angeles Dodgers
(13-9; Previous: 4) – Dodgers' new slogan: "Live. Breathe. Blue." Also accurately describes guy whose Dodger dog went down wrong pipe.
6. New York Yankees
(12-9; Previous: 14) – Pineda learns there is fine line between "a little pine tar to assist your grip" and "holy crap the levees have given way."
7. Detroit Tigers
(10-8; Previous: 2) – Cabrera hitting more ground balls than ever. According to Sabermetric guys, very few of those go for home runs.
8. St. Louis Cardinals
(12-10; Previous: 9) – Matheny says there is "neither subterfuge nor skullduggery" in secret pitching plans. Admits a little subterduggery, though.
9. Washington Nationals
(12-10; Previous: 1) – Bryce Harper
has never peeled off in his life. It's why he wears real eye black and not those silly stickers.
10. Tampa Bay Rays
(10-11; Previous: 6) – Mauer knocks comebacker off Price's cup, which Price called, "The best place to hit me." Second-best, apparently: Glove.
11. Toronto Blue Jays
(11-10; Previous: 16) – Blue Jays starting to think Reyes is here for the free health care.
12. San Francisco Giants
(12-10; Previous: 3) – Giants win Green Glove Award for excellence in recycling, special consideration for thinking of having Rich Aurilia back.
13. Colorado Rockies
(12-11; Previous: 22) – Rockies' ERA still better at home than on road. Suspicion abounds all of Denver has been placed under humidor bubble.
14. Kansas City Royals
(10-10; Previous: 15) – Moustakas: "Home runs, they're nice." Tomorrow will weigh in on hammocks, English gardens, chubby puppies.
15. Los Angeles Angels
(10-11; Previous: 17) – Ibanez hitting well below weight, but still slightly ahead of age.
16. Boston Red Sox
(10-12; Previous: 10) – You just knew it couldn't last.
17. Cleveland Indians
(10-11; Previous: 13) – Danny Salazar
fears he's been tipping pitches. Vows to stop moving his lips while reading catcher's signs.
18. Pittsburgh Pirates
(9-13; Previous: 11) – Snider rightly suspended for using his face to viciously bloody Maldonado's fist.
19. San Diego Padres
(10-12; Previous: 23) – In the case of total bullpen annihilation, comforting to know that Donn Roach would survive.
20. Cincinnati Reds
(10-11; Previous: 20) – Satellite image spots elusive Loch Ness Monster. Also, Billy Hamilton
's on-base percentage.
21. Baltimore Orioles
(10-10; Previous: 19) – Blue Jays have umpires inspect Miguel Gonzalez
's glove for foreign substance. Find nothing but domestic stuff.
22. New York Mets
(11-10; Previous: 27) – Matt Harvey holds up middle finger to camera, tweets it, later explains he was referencing total number of ulnar collateral ligaments left in his body.
23. Miami Marlins
(10-12; Previous: 21) – The Marlins just played first day game at Marlins Park with roof open. Was only way to get the new surfboard home.
24. Philadelphia Phillies
(10-11; Previous: 25) – Burnett exasperated by Puig attempt to throw him out at first on single. Observes Burnett: "I'm 37 with a hernia. Take it easy."
25. Chicago White Sox
(11-11; Previous: 24) – Sale says all's well while "taking a shower, drying off, putting on shirts," so maybe he can't pitch, but he's ready for dinner and a movie.
26. Minnesota Twins
(10-10; Previous: 29) – Colabello played many years in Can-Am League, where they got to all their games via 1970s muscle cars.
27. Seattle Mariners
(8-13; Previous: 12) – Yeah, but think of all those T-shirts they sold.
28. Chicago Cubs
(7-13; Previous: 28) – It's OK. They're pacing themselves.
29. Houston Astros
(7-15; Previous: 30) – A man of Bo Porter's stature should not be toppling water jugs in Oakland dugout. He knows A's have a plumbing problem.
30. Arizona Diamondbacks
(6-18; Previous: 26) – Diamondbacks wonder if they could be this bad, get hammered by Cubs, nod solemnly.
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