The Cubs manager started the week with five straight home losses, had to deal with ominous news concerning their top two starting pitchers and they just lost to Cincinnati — their sixth straight — 10-2.

Thing is, Piniella almost didn't make it to Cincinnati for the ugly start to this series. Electing to drive from Chicago on Friday morning instead of fly, Piniella and Cubs coach/chaffeur Matt Sinatro missed a turn south and ended up near the Pennsylvania border before realizing their big boo-boo. 

Oh, to have been a fly on the wall when Piniella woke up from his nap and realized that Sinatro was pointing the car toward the Pirates instead of the Reds. (But given the Cubs' 14-4 record against Pittsburgh this year, could you blame him?)

From the Chicago Tribune:

"We stopped at one of the (gas) stations along the way, and I bought a map to see exactly where we were," Piniella said. "And we realized we were in the opposite end of the state ...

They worked their way back toward Columbus in the middle of the state, navigating across rain-slicked, two-lane roads ...

"Let me tell you: I wanted to get my mind off baseball for a little bit, I sure as heck did," Piniella said.

For what it's worth, the article says the duo was relying on printed-out directions from — ahem — Google Maps. Next time, they might want to give Yahoo! Maps a try.

Or maybe just join the rest of the world and spring for a GPS.  (Piniella muttering and swearing at the GPS lady? Now that would be a sight.)

Neither were the managers, players or coaches.

In a moment that only the drag of a 162-game season could produce, Angels' rookie Sean Rodriguez (pictured right) struck out when he should have actually been on first base with a walk.

That's right. Absolutely no one involved with the game realized that the count before the strikeout was 4 balls and 2 strikes and that Rodriguez should not have even been facing the pitch in the first place. 

(If anyone with the Tigers noticed the mistake, they weren't saying. Kind of like when a blackjack dealer pays you when you actually lost or pushed, right?)

From the Los Angeles Times:

Neither plate umpire Tim Welke nor Angels manager Mike Scioscia noticed the mistake. At 2-2, Rodriguez said Welke asked Tigers catcher Brandon Inge what the count was.

"He said he thought it was 1-2, and I said I thought it was 1-2 also," Rodriguez said. "He thanked me for my honesty."

Welke had the scoreboard reset to 1-2, and instead of drawing a walk, Rodriguez struck out.

Welke apologized to Rodriguez during his next at-bat.

"I told him don't worry about it," Rodriguez said. "It was more my fault than his. I struck out on a 4-2 pitch. How many guys do that?"

Since the Angels won the game 7-1 anyway and are on their way to wrapping up the AL West title in the next week, the instinct is to just laugh this away and file it under the news of the weird. 

But considering that Boston's Coco Crisp walked on just three balls a few weeks ago, you'd like to hope that all the kinks get worked out by both the umpires and players before the postseason arrives. The last thing baseball needs is something like this deciding an important game.

UPDATE #2: The White Sox are saying Quentin will have surgery and then be re-evaluated in 2-3 weeks. He broke it after hitting his own bat.

I'm not sure where this ranks on the irony scale, but one of the only players holding the White Sox back from becoming a full-fledged creaky AARP-card carrying member may now be done for the year.

According to both WSCR and the Sun-Times, quiet MVP candidate Carlos Quentin has a fractured right wrist and will need season-ending surgery.

Will Carroll of Baseball Prospectus has more:

WSCR in Chicago is reporting that Carlos Quentin has a broken wrist and is done for the season. I have been unable to confirm the specifics, but there is more going on than I was led to believe yesterday. Just last evening, I spoke with a trusted source who told me that he expected Quentin to be back in the lineup today, as you'll see in Friday's UTK Wrap. Now, that is no longer the case. Quentin returned from scans on his injured arm with a cast or brace and an announcement is expected before game time with more details.

The White Sox currently hold a 1.5-game lead over Minnesota in the AL Central, but if a news release is capable of actually erasing an advantage in the standings, I think this would qualify. Perhaps those thoughts of a Crosstown World Series were just too good to be true.

1.  Phillies at Mets

They met for the first time this season on April 8. In the dugouts, it was Charlie Manuel versus Willie Randolph.

Five months later, it's now Manuel vs. Manuel (no relation), but both clubs still have their eye on the NL East crown. If you hadn't heard, the Mets lead the Phils by three games in the standings with just over three weeks to play.

Bringing you up to speed: Over in Philadelphia, the mood is concerned, but not overly so. Given their 5-9 record against New York this season, you'd think the Phils fans would be a little more panicky. But those Sept. 2007 memories work just like Valium, don't they?

As for the Metropolitans, they're celebrating finally putting everything together for a four-game winning streak that includes a sweep of the Brewers in Milwaukee. Uneasy feelings, however, are just a blown save away, so the confidence isn't at typical New York levels. 

Even if you're a non-partisan at this party, expect these three games — which could be interrupted on Saturday by the remnants of Hanna, forcing a Sunday doubleheader — to be among the best three you'll watch all weekend. 

Pitching matchup to watch: The Phillies moved Cole Hamels (12-8, 3.01) up in the rotation just so he could squeeze into face Johan Santana (12-7, 2.71) on national television Sunday night. Looki, if anything should pry you away from Sunday night football (well, apart from the Bears' stinky O), this series' climax should be it. 

2. D'backs at Dodgers

So maybe the Dodgers really are going to make this a September to remember. They've won five straight since losing eight straight and now sit only a game-and-half behind Arizona (which has dropped seven of 10) in the NL West standings. Joe Torre says his Blue Crue is as ready as it'll ever be. Considering they're 6-8 against the D'backs this season and that this will be the last series between the two teams, they better be. 

Pitching matchup to watch: This ain't 1998 and Dan Haren and Brandon Webb will go the first two games. Still, it'll be fun to watch Randy Johnson (10-9, 4.21) face Greg Maddux (7-11, 4.18) on Sunday. Especially if first place hangs in the balance.

3. Angels at White Sox

Here's an unlikely scenario for Los Angeles: The Angels sweep all three games on the South Side and K-Rod earns the save in each of the games, notching his 57th save across the street from where Bobby Thigpen achieved the same total in 1990. Meanwhile, Texas gets swept by Boston and the Halos clinch the AL West three weeks early.

Obviously, that would also be a nightmare circumstance for the White Sox, who currently hold a 1.5 game lead on Minnesota and have to stockpile wins on this 10-game homestand (LA, Toronto, Detroit) before hitting the road (New York, Kansas City, Minnesota) for 10 games.

Pitching matchup to watch: With five wins in his last five decisions, Gavin Floyd (15-6, 3.61) is the closest thing the White Sox have to a stopper. He'll face John Lackey (11-3, 3.10) on Saturday night.

4. Tigers at Twins

After reintroducing themselves to their wives, children and Sid Hartman, the Twins will try to wash off the stench of a 5-9, GOP-forced road trip and resume their dominance at the Metrodome. They're 46-23 at the Metrodome (as opposed to 31-40 on the road) and can't ask for a better salve than the Tiggers. Jim Leyland's crew has lost eight of their last 11. 

Pitching matchup to watch: Francisco Liriano (4-3, 3.45) welcomes fans back to the Rollerdome tonight against Armando "Don't Call Me Big Cat" Galarraga (12-4, 3.17). 

5. Padres at Brewers

When the good schedule maker drops a September gift in your lap — like, say, four home games against the lowly Padres — you should fall immediately to your knees and give thanks. Of course, you should also get up and then pound the snot out of the Padres. That last instruction apparently was not relayed to the Brewers before Thursday's 5-2 series opening loss. 

Pitching matchup to watch: I probably don't have to tell you this, but the easy choice is C.C. Sabathia (9-0, 1.43) tonight against It Doesn't Matter (N/A). 

1. It's Friday afternoon and if a group of Japanese youngsters playing a second-tier (yet still plenty awesome) Queen hit can't get you ready for the weekend, perhaps not much can.  

2. Rays fans have apparently taken the day off from releasing a new tribute song.

3. It supports my long-held belief that baseball and marching bands with dancing cheerleaders are not two opposable forces. In fact, like dumping a box of Reese's Pieces into your movie popcorn, you shouldn't knock it until you've tried it.

Snakebit by spending $118 million for an '08 team that could potentially lose 100 games (85 and counting), M's team president Chuck Armstrong has already said the team will not pursue any big-ticket free agents who could help them next season.

From the Seattle Times:

In short, no big-name free-agents. Forget Mark Teixeira, or C.C. Sabathia. No Ken Griffey Jr. either, I assume, though Armstrong only mentioned Teixeira and Sabathia specifically.

This team is changing its ways. Armstrong says he wants "a comprehensive plan'' from any prospective GM on how this team can thrive for years to come. No more putting all the team's eggs in one basket and going for it year-to-year. This could be a long process.

Armstrong insists he has not given up on 2009. But if this team is to contend next year, it will be largely with the group already here and possibly some minor signings. There could very well be some coming trades, but it will be for players bringing "value'' back. That can often mean younger players, sometimes years away from helping a team contend. So, if Jeff Clement turns into a 30-homer guy, Brandon Morrow excels in the rotation and Erik Bedard shows Cy Young form for an entire season, the M's could contend. But they won't be doing it by adding Teixeira's bat at first base.

Makes you want to run out and put a deposit on '09 season tickets, doesn't it Seattle fans?

I'm not opposed to the Mariners reinventing themselves and becoming a team that efficiently spends money instead of throwing it at Carlos Silva when everyone else knows that's a bad idea.

However that's going to take some time and it's going to take the right general manager.

Armstrong hasn't yet named a permanent replacement for the fired Bill Bavasi, so all that time he'll save on wooing free agents should go toward getting a candidate who knows his or her way around building a minor league system.

If the M's are going the cheap route, they'll need just that.

Wait a minute. Something just flashed into my mind. Was he that fellow who had a bit of problem with the drugs back in the day? And then he kicked that habit and became a heckuva baseball player for the pitching-deprived Rangers of Texas? Well, yes, I may have seen a little something about that. I believe he got a little bit of press coverage if I remember correctly. Earlier this year, even Mother was talking about him and Mother never talks about any athlete unless he or she appears on Dancing With The Stars. 

Why, yes! It's all coming back to me now. That was quite a story. In 93 games before the All-Star Break, this Hamilton man you speak of was hitting .310/.367/.552 with 21 home runs and 95 RBI. His feats were quite prodigious and I seem to remember a lot of folks were saying he was on track to win the Most Valuable Player award. It was on a warm summer night in July that he deposited several baseballs into the stands at old Yankee Stadium. I watched that on television. He was an honest-to-goodness real American hero. It was said Milton Bradley could learn a thing or two from watching this former drug addict. I thought that seemed to be taking things a bit far, but you had to understand it was the spirit of the time. Hamilton was the tallest of tall tales.

I'm sorry, though. From there, my recollection hits and careens a cliff at that point. Try as I might, I can't recall a single moment concerning the man since that magical night in the Bronx.

So perhaps you can help me out a bit here: What the heck ever happened to Mr. Josh Hamilton?

Ah, so he's hitting .281/.355/.521 with 10 HR and 26 RBI in the 42 games since? His Rangers will not make the playoffs? He's not in the MVP discussion anymore?

Well, perhaps the man they call A-Rod was right. Participating in the Home Run Derby really does mess with your stroke the rest of the way.

But Hamilton isn't placing any blame on that? He says another set of factors — the Texas heat, the fact he's never played a full season — is to blame for his second-half dropoff? I suppose that does make a bit of sense. It surely is hard to go from the proverbial black hole to an ever-present spotlight. I suppose no one should have expected he'd keep this up the entire way.

Anyway, best of luck to the young man and here's hoping he comes back strong for the next campaign. Baseball was surely a more interesting game when he was on the tips of our tongues.

1. Because every day should start with a good Pete Rose anecdote:

From Joe Posnanski:

When I talked with Pete Rose ... I asked him if he thought Jeter had any chance to catch him on the hit list.

I wish I'd had a camera at that moment because the look of pure disgust on Pete's face was beyond priceless, it was worth more words than every blog post I've ever written. He said, "Come on."

I said, "Well, he has about as many hits as you had at his age." And if anything Pete's look became MORE disgusted, and he smirked and he said what might be my favorite quote of the year, and one that (sadly) I probably won't be able to get into the book so I give it to you now:

He said: "You tell Derek that the first 3,000 are easy."

I don't think there's any way Jeter makes it. Is there anyone out there who does? [JoeBlog]

2. More hosannas for his holiness, the one and only Dustin Pedroia. At this rate, Red Sox Nation is going to start pushing him for both AL and NL MVP. [Red Sox Monster]

3. Good luck to Bob Sheppard, the Yankee Stadium announcer who's trying his best to be healthy enough to attend the last game ever at The House That Ruth Built. (We can now definitively say that's the last game now, right?) [Newsday]

4. Who said Manny Ramirez was never a good teammate? Here he helps Angel Berroa get through a postgame interview by serving as a translator. That talent should help his value in the open market this offseason, no? [Larry Brown Sports]

5. "I think I've run out of disaster and wreckage photos to post as representation of yet another awful effort from the Detroit Tigers.  It's also possible that I've just tapped the Google image archives clear out.  I've had to go there too many times this year." Hey Ian, perhaps now you'll have a few pics of Kwame in cuffs to use the rest of the way? [Bless You Boys]

Game of the Day: Padres 5, Brewers 2

Lagerheads: A collapse is something you do with an empty beer can by smashing it against your forehead. A collapse is blowing an 8 1/2-game lead over five weeks in late June and July. What the Brewers are doing now — starting September 0-4 and failing to put away wild-card pursuers or catch the first-place Cubs — that's nothing. Yet. But we're watching.

CC Money Factory: Brewers ownership is hinting that it will try to keep CC Sabathia, who could earn -—who knows? — $200 million in free agency this winter. Miller just finished a run of 22 sellouts, and is selling seats at 90-percent capacity, since Sabathia arrived. This would be putting the cart before the biggest horse ever if the Crew somehow misses the playoffs after mortgaging some of its future on CC.

Hey, didn't you used to be Shawn Estes?: What part of "try throwing it left-handed, you'll make a million bucks" didn't you understand, Little Johnny? The Brewers couldn't do anything with Estes, who's Steve Howe (lots of rebounds) without the cocaine addiction. And death. OK, maybe he's just Shawn Estes.

Flying Kouzmanoff Brother: Estes called Kevin Kouz "Mike Schmidt" for his Hall-of-Fame game in the field, which included this stab to rob JJ Hardy, whom I'll call "Cal Ripken."

* * *

Feelin' Rundown (hey, other people played, too):

Reds 8, Pirates 6: It comes down to this: Who wants last place more? Are you man enough, Tom Gorzelanny? You, Craig Hansen? T.J. Beam? Who wants to fail the most? Come on guys! Get out there and give me nothing!

Blue Jays 9, Twins 0: So, which opponents have kept the Jays, acclaimed giant-killers, from contending for the playoffs? They are 4-11 against the Rays and 1-6 against the Indians. Here's another killer: 4-5 against the Mariners. Turn those frowns upside-down and you've got some serious Canuck playoff hopes, eh? Instead, we've got Travis Snider (talk about a Hall-of-Fame name) and the Spoilers with their rendition of Layla.

Angels 7, Tigers 1: The Gambler folds. ... The Halos alchemical integer is six. ... Despite A.J. Pierzynski being nowhere near Comerica Park, some serious shenanigans went down when Angels batter Sean Rodriguez struck out on a 4-2 pitch. No, Doug Eddings was not umpiring, either.

Braves 2, Nationals 0: Take the Warshington ball club away from an opponent in a pennant race they turn into floppy discs, all wobbly like. ... Take me where my future's lyin', James Parr — St. Elmo's Fire!

Royals 5, Athletics 4 (10 inn.); Royals 9, Athletics 6: What remained of Hurricane Gustav washed out Wednesday's game, making for this here doubleheader, but the Storm of the Moment wasn't strong enough to keep these purveyors of baseball smut off the field forever.

Rays 7, Yankees 5: This Aybar Fella is playing third base awfully well for the Rays in the stead of Longoria. Too awfully well, if you ask me.

* * *

Photo of the Day: Mano-a-Mano

Akinori Iwamura, mild-mannered second baseman from the Tampa Bay Rays, lifts teammate Carlos Pena into the air Thursday night. Iwamura says he gets his strength from the Earth's yellow sun.

* * *

Fantasy Freaks

Ervin Santana (Angels) 7 1/3 IP, 6 H, ER, BB, 8 K, Win

Aquilino Lopez (Tigers) 4 IP, 4 H, 5 K

David DeJesus (Royals) 6-9, 3 R

Snider (Jays) 3-3 HR, 2 R, 2 RBI

Jesse Litsch (Jays) 9 IP, 4 H, 2 BB, 3 K, Win

Dioner Navarro (Rays) 4-5, R

Scott Kazmir (Rays) 6 IP, H!, 5 BB, 7 K, Win

Parr (Naughty, Naughty) 6 IP, 2 H, 3 BB, 3 K, Win

Estes (Podz) 6 IP, 7 H, ER, BB, K, Win

* * *

Fantasy Flakes

Ken E. Rogers (Tigres) 2 IP, 8 H, 6 ER, Loss

Darrell Rasner (Yanks) 1 1/3 IP, 6 H, 5 ER, 2 BB, K, Loss

Jason Hammel (Rays) 2/3 IP, 4 H, 5 ER, BB, 2 K

* * *

"It seemed like it took forever." — Twins outfielder Denard Span, on his team's long and winding road trip

I have no idea what happened to the rest of Mark Teixeira. I also have no idea why the guy behind him is wearing a Red Sox hat with a Tigers jersey. (Although Samara might have a clue.)

So have at it, amateur Internet copy editors of the world. How should this caption read?

Follow the jump for winners from Wednesday's C-a-C:

'Now to all you little Raysamaniacs out there' 

1st — durham_devil.

Steinbrenner: "I told you the Tampa Bay team was using performance-enhancing drugs! Just look!"

2nd — jlpamc81.

Now appearing at "Has Been Night" in Tampa: Hulk Hogan & the New York Yankees.

3rd — joebitots.

" Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna.... Why bother? No one is even here,"

He is of absolutely no use.

Jones, who is gimpy, chubby and batting .161/.261/.254 — slugging .254! — was activated from the 15-day disabled list on Monday, but he won't be patrolling center field any time soon for the team in hot lukewarm pursuit of the Arizona Diamondbacks. Jones tells the L.A. Times that he's out for the season.

"This year," Jones says, "it's basically over."

Well, knock me over with a stiff breeze from one of Andruw's numerous strikeouts. He's out for the season? Hasn't that been the case all season? He's not only late on the fastball, he's behind the curve on his own status as well. Why is this not surprising?

After the jump, find one of the best photos of the year — a gaggle of Los Angelenos, watching, judging — look at the baby! look at the baby! — as Andruw trudges back to the dugout (again).

What the people in this photo are thinking: 

Pointing guy: That guy spells Andrew with a "U."

Blond guy (girl?) next to pointing guy: Aundrew? He DOES NOT.

Joe Pantoliano guy in stocking cap: I really need "Bad Boys III" to come out

Bald biker guy in goatee: I'd rather watch a donkey show at Moobies

Old headphone guy: Don't reach for the ball, don't reach for the ball

Cougar bottle blond (top): I wish their pants were tighter, like in the '80s

Cougar brunette (top): You said it, Laverne.

Teen Tina Fey (lower left): I can't look at Andruw Jones when he's this blurry

Disaffected youth (upper left): I want a hamburger, no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake...

Homeless Jim Gray (upper right): I wonder if this guy ever bet on baseball

What's more is that when the Brewers rebounded from a poor start to become bona fide postseason contenders, it took Shawn Chacon choking Ed Wade (and later Wade's deadline delusion) to even remember Houston had a MLB team.

(Hey, it's the six-team NL Central, you can't mind 'em all, can you?)

I only bring this up because I just received an email from a guy named Ed Wade "Tank" who insists the 'Stros are still alive in the wild card chase. Quite frankly, this came news to me.

Writes Tank:

"While I sit at work when I should be working, I read anything and everything sports. At home I watch sports and SC. But everywhere I look, I don't see credit where credit is due: How 'bout them ‘Stros?

"They won the series with the Reds by winning two out of three. Then they SWEPT a tough Cardinals team. And then last night Randy Wolf pitched a full game to cap of a sweep of the first-place Cubs at Wrigley Field.

"But so far... still no love. All I see is A-Rod this, A-Rod that. Why no love? The Astros are 6.5 games behind the Brewers for the wild card. Sure, Carlo Lee is out, but Ty Wiggington has done a superb job covering. Our bench has come in and done damage. So why no love? Today they have a well deserved day off then start a three-game series at Colorado. Afterwards they will play Pittsburgh at home, then the Cubs. They are still in the wild card race. So why no love?"

Tank is right. The 'Stros have put on a nice little run here and became the only team to sweep the Cubs at Wrigley Field this season. With 74 wins, they already have one more victory than '07. Maybe the future doesn't look that terrible for the team. 

But to suggest a team is still in the wild card race when they're 6.5 behind Milwaukee (with Philadelphia and St. Louis in front of them, no less) with 22 games to go doesn't seem like it should warrant much "love." In the middle of a pennant race, should we be handing out "job well done" stickers for the teams chasing after the postseason train though it's already left the platform?

What do you think?

However, it should be noted that for a bottom-feeding team, the Reds certainly pulled their weight in the blogosphere.   So it is with deep sorrow that we remember the '08 Reds with the official death notice below.

In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the Ken Griffey Jr. Gambling Debt fund, preferably in pennies. Luncheon at Steve's Lounge to follow the service.

The 2008 Cincinnati Reds

Time of death: Sept. 3 after 6-5 loss to Pittsburgh

Causes: NL-worst .246 team batting average, confusing Volquez and Cueto for the workhorses previously named Wood and Prior, jettisoning Adam Dunn and Ken Griffey Jr. as if they were anywhere near the team's two biggest problems, continuing to employ brain-damaged mascot on ATV, continuing to employ old coot named Franchester as announcer

PECOTA projection: 79 Current pace: 71

Moments in the Sun: Team introduces female mascot so sexy she drives local newsman into lust-driven maniacs; Dunn's honor protected by prank phone call to J.P. Ricciardi; Bronson Arroyo does best Jack Black impression while pitching BBQ burgers

Moment of Despair: The Kid says hasta la vista after nearly a decade of playoff-less baseball by throwing a throat slash gesture toward Jeff Brantley; The Mulleted One redefines foot-in-mouth disease just moments before Edwin Encarnacion smacks game-winning HR. 

Others remember: "We had high expectations for the 2008 season. Unfortunately the team has not played up to our expectations and we have sustained injuries to key players within our starting lineup and rotation. The vast majority of our 50 draft picks were signed, culminating last week with first-rounder Yonder Alonso and a pair of talented pitchers. We ask your continued trust and patience as we build the roster that will get us back on top. We appreciate your support and look forward to seeing you at the ballpark." — Bob Castellini and Walt Jocketty, Aug. 19 letter

Survived by: Wayne Krivsky's Tommy Bahama shirt, Jay Bruce's promise, Jay Bruce's girlfriend, More Cowbell, Chad Ocho Cinco

Death watch (w/elimination #s): Baltimore (3), Atlanta (4) Oakland (4)

In good Cubs news (and can't we all use a little bit of it right now?), Ryan Dempster donated the $7,500 he was awarded for being a recipient of the Roberto Clemente Award to Chicago Canine Rescue, the very same animal shelter I adopted my dog from.

In related news, my dog has started talking about Dempster's candidacy for Cy Young even more often than she already has been. 

*Or a Bears Super Bowl season, for that matter. 

Here in Chicago, we followers of Les Cubs are not doing a very good job of convincing everyone else that we're not panicking in the midst of this five-game losing streak and vague injury news with Carlos Zambrano and Rich Harden. This despite losing absolutely no ground to the Brewers over that same span and being as close a lock to make the postseason as you can get.

Meanwhile, over in Philadelphia, the city I consider to be Chicago's jerk cousin (and I mean that in a good, affectionate way), they're handling things a little better, despite the higher odds stacked against them. After dropping 2 of 3 to the Nats and then watching the Mets sweep the Brewers, the Phillies are now three games behind New York heading into the final three-game series between the two teams this weekend.

Obviously, the Fightins' should have a lot more to be worried about — at least in the short-term. But their current mood, one of guarded glass-half-full optimism is interesting, if only because it is borne out of 3-4 weeks last fall, when the Mets pulled one of the all-time choke jobs in MLB history and the Phillies took advantage. While they're worried about having to pay full attention to the Eagles full-time in the near future, there's also an overriding sense of 'we've got them right where we want them.' Silly or not, you have to love that. 

As for the Cubs, I don't suppose we need to mention why the glass is leaking in Wrigleyville.

For a roundup of the Phils' mindset heading into this make-or-break series with the Metropolitans, follow the jump:

J. Weitzel, Beerleaguer: "The Mets have a magic number; it's 20. The two sides clash this weekend. For once, the Phillies have their best fighters lined up for it. They're going to need a minimum of seven good innings from Brett Myers, Jamie Moyer and Cole Hamels and hope the Mets ease up and the Phils find a way. Their backs are to the wall, but recordwise, they're still three wins ahead of last year's pace. That fact represents one of the few shining lights for a team that's seemed out of sorts since the start of interleague play. But better record aside, once again, they're counting on the Mets to blow it in September, and the fact is, the Mets are playing better baseball."

Tim Malcolm, Phillies Nation: "There’s always hope. Sept. 5, 2007, the Phils dropped a late lead to the Braves, maybe the worst loss of that season. They were five behind the Mets after that game. They actually went to seven behind a week later. But we know the rest of that story. With just over 20 games to play, there’s absolutely still a chance the Phils can overtake the Mets, or the Brewers, or whatever, to take a playoff spot. We were all packing it in on Sept. 5, 2007. Now here we are, almost a year later, and the situation is eerily similar. Is it really the end? Or is this team going to channel 2007?

Matt P., The 700 Level: "Nothing's over until the words 'mathematically eliminated' are stamped on the standings, and after last season, we know the Phillies can rebound as quickly as the Mets can choke it all away. Three games is by no means an insurmountable lead. Still, if the Phils can't take this September series from the team they're chasing, it's hard to envision them reclaiming the division again."

Chamomiles Davis, The Fightins': "The numbers tell us that the Phillies have their work cut out for them: If the Mets finish 11-11 (which doesn’t seem likely), the Phillies would have to go 14-8 to catch them, 15-7 to pass them. Difficult, but not impossible, especially in light of what happened last year. Then again, this isn’t last year."

But as someone who's been entertained by Brian Griese "tripping over his dog" and Brandon Marshall "slipping on a McDonalds bag and putting his arm through a TV," I want to believe it's a ridiculous excuse to cover up for something even more ridiculous. Oh, the feelings of confliction.

From the New York Post: 

"I would like to have something to tell you, something like a fight or anything else," Giambi said. "But it was nothing like that. I walked into the bathroom door at the hotel and split it open."

The cut resembled a gash a boxer would get during a fight, but didn't keep Giambi out of the lineup.

"There was so much blood the maid probably was wondering where the body was hid," said Giambi.

Anyone have any theories how that gash might have gotten there? Beer pong battle gone wrong? Tripping over a crack in the sidewalk while reading the requirement for the Robert Goulet 'stached award?  A pregame Battle Royale with the Hulkster himself? 

A shame we can't go to the replay on this one.

10. Had to rush to Xcel Center in St. Paul for Gov. Sarah Palin's speech at Republican National Convention. "Rudy wouldn't hold our seats forever. And me and Blanco wanted to hear what the lady has to say."

9. Took the advice of authorities to an extreme and evacuated as a precaution against the remnants of Hurricane Gustav, which hit Chicago early Thursday.

8. A bilingual speaker with solid English skills, Zambrano still got "totally mixed-up" because "MRI" in Spanish is "IRM."

7. Had to get home in time for cable guy. "It's been out for, like, two weeks. I'm behind on 'The Hills,' man."

6. Bribed little-used right-hander Michael Wuertz to stand in for him at "MRI place" but dope went to the wrong address. "I made a note to 'Z': Get Samardzija next time. He'll know what I mean. He went to Notre Dame."

5. Believed MRI from June was "good enough."

4. Had conflicting appointment to compete against 6-year-old nephew in "Guitar Hero" contest.

3. Said Chuck Norris touched his arm and made it better.

2. Refused to miss real-time text from brother in Venezuela concerning critical off-season news of Real Madrid soccer. "MRI machine is always messing with my bars."

1. Five words: Attending physician Dr. Michael Barrett.

1. Because three straight not-awful starts by Carl Pavano will even make a marooned and thirsty man an optimist.

From The Pride of the Yankees:

It's not entirely impossible, is it? (Okay, it probably is).

But after three wins in a row, the Yanks are now only two games behind the Twins for second in the wild card race. And they have three more games against the Red Sox, whom they still trail by seven. If they can actually beat the Angels for once (three games next week), they might be in decent shape come that final season series with the Sox. (Have we ever mentioned we consider ourselves optimists?)

Crazy, yes? But let's allow the Yankees fans out there a few more gasps of fresh air. [NJ.com]

2. The NY Post estimates that businesses near Yankee Stadium could lose as much as $141 million with the Yankees missing the playoffs this season. Of course, it's not possible to feel sorry for these people, seeing as how they've had many an October of rolling around in money. [UATG]

3. Why Hawk Harrelson and Ozzie Guillen should snap out of their usual "Oh, woe is we, we're playing the Twins" moping. [Sox Machine]

4. Blogger says that Progressive Field-streaking squirrel was actually September callup Rich Rundles. Would any of us, including Eric Wedge, know any different? [The Dave Burba Revolution]

5. Ex-Leafs goalie Curtis Joseph gets better reception at Rogers Centre than debut of Blue Jays super prospect Travis Snider. Broadcaster says Jays fans should be "ashamed" of themselves. In other news, hockey pucks are black, skate blades are sharp. [Out Of Left Field]

Game of the Day: Blue Jays 5, Twins 4 (11 inn.)

To err is Twinkie: The Killebrews strand 13 runners and make three errors, including a crucial one in the ninth by Jason "Not Too" Pridie, to help the Jays tie the score against Joe Nathan. It's not all his fault, and no one is calling for Mike Trombley, except for me, but Nathan has blown three saves in his past four outings. "This will turn around," Nathan says. If you will it, Dude, it is no dream. Theodore Herzl.

First man of Canada: John McDonald, whose name is awfully similar to that of Canada's first prime minister, slapped home the game-winner over the glove of goalie Denard Span. His effort dropped the Twins to 5-8 on their Right-Wing Swing through North America.

Must... get... to bed: Every road ends, except for them traffic circles. One more game, plus a speech from John McCain, and the Twins can go home. And not terribly far from first place, either.

Pop a cork in 'em: Should the White Sox hang on to win the AL Central, Nick Swisher should send a case of champagne to the Jays, who have beaten the Twins seven straight. It's not like there's a rule against such gifting or anything.

* * *

Feelin' Rundown (the balance of Wednesday's baseball bank account):

Red Sox 5, Orioles 4: O's batting coach Terry Crowley, who's lucky he's in bleepin' baseball, gets ejected by umpire/former Yankees right-hander Jeff Nelson in the ninth. Seconds later, O's pitcher/former Bears quarterback Jim Miller throws away a bunt for an error, allowing Alex Cora to score without a helmet, which his head dropped on a superfluous slide into third base. That's Orioles Magic.

White Sox 4, Indians 2: Squirrel delay! Play was stopped for a minute in the top of the ninth when a squirrel stalked the infield, getting especially close to pinch-hitter Jim Thome and umpire Larry Vanover, until it scampered into foul territory. It was a lucky squirrel, because Thome walked. ... Bobby Jenks gets the 1 2/3 inning save because Ozzie right now wouldn't trust the rest of his bullpen to babysit his grown children for an hour if the fellas were spotted a fully staffed daycare center.

Yankees 8, Rays 4: And we have a replay! A-Rod goes deep against Troy Percival for a monstrous blast over the fair pole and off the catwalk — off the catwalk, yeah — and an apparent homer. Dioner Navarro says, hey, let's TiVo that baby and the umps do, because MLB didn't spend $2.5 mildo for nothin'. After 2 minutes, 15 seconds, the umps have an announcement: Upheld! The call on the field stands. Touchdown! Humorously, Percival adds: "I thought it was clearly fair, but after looking at the replay, I wouldn't have known what to call, to be honest with you. The replay made it more cloudy for me."

Giants 9, Rockies 2: Scott McClain believes in the soul, the [profane], the [profane], the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. He believes Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. He believes there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. He believes in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening our presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and he believes in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Goodnight.

D-backs 4, Cardinals 3: Adam Dunn, who doesn't really like baseball that much, nor does he have a passion to play the game, hit a game-ending double in the ninth. Dunn was mobbed by his teammates, despite them becoming sick just at the sight of the malcontent. "I expected a little more rough-house," Dunn said. "That was exciting, man." Mmm, hmm. Take your rainy day somewhere else, pal.

Dodgers 6, Padres 4: With Jeff Kent's mustache out, who's gonna take his place? The answer is not the Hanson Brothers, but instead Blake DeWitt. Sounds like an enforcer for the Calgary Flames, or perhaps a former movie exec angling to buy the Dodgers, or the anti-hero of a half-written J.D. Salinger novel. Maybe he's all that AND an infielder.

Nationals 9, Phillies 7: Onward Cristian Guzman goes, now with eight straight multi-hit games. The Gnats are actually affecting the pennant race. As much as Apollo Creed affected Ivan Drago, but still, they're making some teams sweat.

Mets 9, Brewers 2: The sweeping Mets get some Churchin' up — Ryan Church — who goes granny in a six-run, first-inning shellacking of Homer Formby Dave Bush. For the Breu Creu, this is what we in sportswritin' call "Not taking advantage of a five-game losing streak by the Cubs."

Astros 4, Cubs 0: Do all of the Cubs, droppers of five in a row, need to hop in the team Kia Sorento with Big Z and get an MRI? No extra-base hits again. Why does Kia spell Sorento with one "R"? Paul Sorrento wouldn't do that. ... The Astros are on an annual second-half binge. They're just as much in the pennant race as the Cardinals or Rockies — which is to say, they're not really in it. But it's better than being the A's.

Marlins 5, Braves 3: About 600 folks, most of whom probably were hoping for jai alai, braved Miami's 90-degree weather to see the first pitch. Bobby Cox joined those sitting this one out in the fifth after being run for arguing balls and strikes.

Pirates 6, Reds 5: In case the two LaRoches confused you, Adam LaRoche is the LaRoche that does stuff sometimes. Oh, that's mean. Someday, I predict — saying it like I mean it — Andy LaRoche will hit at least as well as his brother. At that moment, they both will be traded for the embryos of prospects. ... 13 Ks for Volquez.

Rangers 1, Mariners 0: In an emergency start, Dustin Nippert throws seven shutout innings to lower his ERA to 6.59. Show me a football game where that happens. That's why this is the greatest game. That, and Barry Zito jeans endorsements.

Tigers 9, Angels 6: With an eight-game lead on Kansas City, the Tigers should be able to stay out of the basement. Bless you, boys. ... Is there no hope of/interest in ever putting Miguel Cabrera back at third base? Are his issues at the hot corner nothing that a commitment to being in better shape couldn't fix?

Athletics at Royals, ppd. (rain): God says no, fellas. Doubleheader tonight.

* * *

Photo of the Day: My Precious!

D-backs small-fry Jeff Salazar (top) plays the Surprise Tickle Game with slugger Adam Dunn as teammate Conor Jackson frolics about, eager to join in the horseplay, shenanigans and tomfoolery.

* * *

Fantasy Freaks

Jenks (White Sox) 1 2/3 IP, H, K, Save

Church (Mets) 1-4, HR, 4 RBI

King Felix (M's) 7 1/3 IP, 7 H, ER, BB, 3 K, Loss

Nippert (Rangers) 7 IP, 7 H, 4 K, Win

Frank Francisco (Rangers) IP, K, Save (no chairs)

McClain (R-Arizona) 3-5, HR, 3 RBI

Zito (True Religion Jeans) 8 IP, 4 H, 2 ER, 2 BB, 5 K, Win

Ryan Howard (Phila) 2-4, 2 HR, 4 RBI

A-Rod (DVR) 3-4, 2 R, HR, 4 RBI

Mark Teixeira (Angels) 3-5, HR, 3 RBI

* * *

Fantasy Flakes

Bush (Brew) 5 IP, 7 H, 6 ER, 3 BB, 2 K, Loss

Aaron Cook (Rockies) 3 IP, 10 H, 6 ER, K, Loss

Chris Perez (Cards) 1/3 IP, 3 H, 2 ER, Loss, Blown Save

Chad Durbin (Phila) 2/3 IP, 5 H, 4 ER, K, Loss, Blown Save

Edwin Jackson (Rays) 3 1/3 IP, 10 H, 6 ER, BB, 2 K, Loss

Aramis Ramirez (Cubs) 0-4, K

Ryan Braun (Brew) 0-4, 2 K

Mark Reynolds (AZ) 0-4, 4 K

* * *

Words of Mouth

"I'm the first player. Next time I'm going stealth and go under the radar screen. It's very fitting I'm involved. I was just glad we got the right call." — Alex Rodriguez, replay star

" ... as long as you train, eat your vitamins, say your prayers, buy a sweet sleeveles jersey like this one and pull for the Rays against the Yankees ..."

Yes, it's true and it's awesome. Hulk Hogan is in the house tonight for the Rays-Yankees game as Tampa Bay looks to land a leg drop after dropping the first game of the series. This not only gives me a great opportunity to post this picture for a C-a-C, but also one of my favorite YouTube highlight videos of all time.

So have at it, amateur Internet copy editors of the world, how should this caption read?

Follow the jump for winners from Tuesday's C-a-C:

'I can hear you just fine, why do you ask?'

1st — saucy.

"This new satellite dish attachment about works wonders for my cell phone reception! It's like you're right here"

2nd — Ed K.

"Wait. Today's a day game?! Aw, crap! Honey, we gotta go!"

3rd — rightsaidfred.

"What do you mean your name is "Pudge" Fisk? My name is Pudge."

The Red Sox held a day for New England-area Olympians (which produced this Dustin Pedroia creepiness) and the above three gold medal winners (Misty May-Treanor, Dwyane Wade and Sue Bird) were all photographed throwing out first pitches. But apart from this note that 'Melo will be throwing out the first pitch at Saturday's Orioles game, it's been a quiet front on Olympians throwing out ceremonial first pitches across MLB. Quite honestly, I was expecting an onslaught of pics and footage.

But given that 175 of our nation's finest athletes have now finally been free from Oprah's detention, perhaps we'll see a few at Wrigley Field tonight. Elsewhere, too, as their post-Games moneymaking opportunities start to dwindle.

If you see an Olympian throwing out a first pitch anywhere, email 'Duk at bigleaguestew@yahoo.com. 

So it is with deep sorrow that we remember the '08 Nationals with the official death notice below. In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the Let Teddy Win movement. Luncheon at Steve's Lounge to follow the service.

The 2008 Washington Nationals

Time of death: Sept. 2, after 4-0 loss to Philadelphia 

Causes: Starting season with defining moment from Mr. Walkoff and plummeting from there; Rising star spends part of year serving community service while cleaning zoo stalls; You'd play like the First Ladies, too, if the only place your games could be found was MASN2.  

PECOTA projection: 72 wins  Current pace: 62

Moment Week in the Sun: Mr. Dukes becomes Mr. Walkoff Walk, Cristian Guzman collects a cycle.

Moment of Despair: Debating over whether or not to invite that guy a lot of people don't like for the Opening Night festivities, Fan waiting an inning-and-a-half in line at Ben's Chili Bowl, only to be told they were out of half-smokes, Watching as mascot dresses as (and emulates) dreadlocked opponent

Others remember: "Progress is great, Manny, but just try not to win too many more (remember: Worst-Place, #1 pick is the goal!)" — Nationals Enquirer

Survived by: Aaron Crow, Stan Kasten's attention span (barely), Jim Bowden's Segway, Sarah Palin

Death watch (w/elimination #s): Cincinnati (1) Baltimore (4) Oakland (4)

Judging by the disdain Tommy Lasorda punctuates each of the above nationalities, you'd think someone just roused him from his slumber and started speaking a language he didn't recognize. But he's on a golf course, which just reminds us why we enjoy Tommy's grumpiness in the first place.

By the way, if you haven't checked out the blog at Mouthpiece Sports yet, make sure to do so.

Thankfully we finally have a way of thanking this quartet of Sal Fasano, Jason Giambi, Mike Maddux and Jason LaRue (not to mention the handful of others that sport lip fur): By nominating them for the most prestigious award that a mustached man can win. 

From The American Mustache Institute:

The American Mustache Institute (AMI) is looking for the first ever "Robert Goulet Mustached American of the Year," recognizing the most impactful Mustached American of the past year. The winner of the award will be announced Oct. 25 at ‘Stache Bash 2008, a benefit for Challenger Baseball, a baseball league for the disabled.

"The Goulet award allows us to honor a distinguished Mustached American," said Dr. Daniel T. Callahan, AMI research director. "The winner must both champion the mustache and stand apart from his or her fellow Americans — a soup straining school teacher; Jason Giambi of the Yankees for helping popularize the cookie duster in baseball again; a mustached fireman; or, if he were American, Daniel Day Lewis for being the first mustached ‘Best Actor' winner since Paul Newman in 1986."

Personally, I believe all of the above four are more than qualified, but Jason Giambi is your hands-down inaugural winner, simply for the blog fodder he's provided me alone.  However, this is a democratic process, so every nomination will be recognized. Who do you think should take the bid?

A big BLS head nod to the always-great Samara for the tip.  

Like give you free bagels.

From The Coaster:

An Asbury Park man has been cited by police for impersonating Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain at several places along the shore.

Ryan Ward, 29, was reported to Belmar Police Aug. 1 after telling workers at Belmar Bagels that he was the famed pitcher and accepting free food from girls working at the shop.

According to Captain Thomas Palmisano, Ward showed the girls a picture from a newspaper of Chamberlain and said he was the pitcher.

"The girls asked for his autograph and gave him free food," Palmisano said.

Ward, pretending he was Chamberlain, told the girls not to tell anybody he was in town.

I don't see what the big deal is. I get free apple fritters from Dunkin' Donuts nearly every morning by telling the ladies behind the counter that I used to be a relief pitcher for the Cubs. Today I said I was Heathcliff Slocumb.

(Tomorrow, Shawn Boskie.)

A big BLS head nod goes to Deadspin for the tip.  

I know the value of a Jumpman endorsement contract is high, but if Texas' Marlon Byrd really wants to position himself for one, he better learn which direction he's supposed to extend. Catching the ball wouldn't hurt, either.

1. While I like watching Tim Lincecum for his tiny size and unorthodox delivery, the thing I like best about the Giants' ace is that he seems to inspire writers to come up with some good material when they write about Tiny Tim. Tom Verducci's SI piece on Lincecum should make any end-of-the-year great sportswriting lists and as the NL Cy Young debate continues, we should see a few more examples.

Here's one, from Tim Marchman of the NY Sun: 

Tim Lincecum of the San Francisco Giants is perhaps the most stylistically unique starter to debut since Orlando Hernandez. Just as Jeff Bagwell's batting stance was something like the perfect inverse of everything you'd read in a book on how to hit baseballs, junior high school coaches could use Lincecum's violent delivery as the centerpiece of an instructional video called "How To Pitch Badly and Hurt Yourself." And in a triumph for nonconformity in baseball, Lincecum has been the best pitcher in the National League this year. What would work badly for the average 12-year-old works beautifully for him.

However, Lincecum gave up five ER in five innings against Colorado last night and Brandon Webb seems to be slipping too. That means a three-week sprint for the award between those two and CC Sabathia is officially on. [ESPN — Jayson Stark]

2. In the wake of the Sabathia no no-no controversy, our own Tim Brown checks in with a fascinating look at the scorekeeper. Look, I sure would like to get paid $135 each night to yell wild pitch! in a high-pitched voice like Bob Rosenberg does for the Cubs and Sox. Rosey can keep the pressure and the whining calls from the dugout, though. [Yahoo! Sports]

3. Personally, I think Don Sutton looks much better dressed as a 1970s stoner than his usual CHB look. Perhaps he should adopt that look full-time? [Mister Irrelevant]

4. David Dellucci blogs about the impact of Gustav on his family. [Prolebrity]

5. Photographic evidence that Chutley is not afraid to mess with The Jesus (Flores). [Nats 320]

To suggest a link for Top O' The Order, email 'Duk at bigleaguestew@yahoo.com

Game of the Day: Astros 9, Cubs 7 (11 inn.)

That's why they play 162: Just as the Cubs seemed to have clear sailing to yet another division title (the redundancy of their success is so boring), we have a couple of blips on the radar of love. Carlos Zambrano, whose start had been pushed back two days because of arm fatigue, left Tuesday's game after five innings. Lou Piniella announced afterward that Z told pitching coach Larry Rothschild "he wasn't feeling good. It has to be in his arm. I just don't know. We'll let you know tomorrow when we find out." Zambrano's velocity has been down, and he's coming off a bad August — typical for him — but turning the page to September didn't work this time.

Harden not-so-fast: Zambrano being iffy comes after the Cubs announced that Rich Harden would go about two weeks between starts, even though nothing is wrong with his arm. Sure, OK... What?

These go to 11: The 'Stros blew a 7-2 lead, with the Cubs coming all the way back on Jim Edmonds' homer in the seventh. Blum, who won a marathon World Series Game 3 for the White Sox in '05, and also beat the Cubs with a 14th-inning blast in '07, shortened this game by three innings. Thanks, man.

* * *

Feelin' Rundown (the rest of Tuesday's fun):

Phillies 4, Nationals 0: Cole Hamels is Mr. Freeze to the Nationals' "Batman and Robin." Stopped them and their seven-game winning streak cold. I am ze guvunuh of Kulifornia! The game's biggest non-run came in the third when Chase Utley barreled over Jesus Flores at the plate on an attempted steal of home. Denied! However, because it's the Nationals, for whom no good deed goes unpunished, the catcher had to be carted away on a stretcher. Manny Acta says X-rays were negative and it looks like an ankle sprain, but today's MRI will show more. The AP story made it seem like maybe Utley was a little too violent in finishing the play, but Utley says his mama didn't raise him that way. Charlie Manuel, too, took umbrage at the implication saying, "It's not old school, it's good school." That's my Hoss.

Mets 6, Brewers 5 (10 inn.): Seven shutout innings for Mets relievers. No errors in 35 of 40 games for the Mets. Wins in 16-of-21 games for the Mets. That's good NL ball right there for the Mets.

Red Sox 14, Orioles 2: The Pedroia Legend grows. Diminutive Dustin bats cleanup and had five RBIs, helping to ensure that the Fenway Faithful will keep screaming "MVP, MVP!" until the electorate gives them what they want. If this were 100 years ago with no TV, Pedroia in sportswriters accounts would become an Eddie Gaedel-sized hero who single-handedly carried the Bostons to the postseason on one leg, uphill both ways, in snow.

Yankees 7, Rays 2: At least two things are eluding Mike Mussina (17-7). A 20-win season — sometime, anytime — in his career, and a World Series ring with the Yankees. You'd have thought he'd have at least one of both by now. The 20 victories are in sight. He would have to be released by the Yanks and sign with the Rays to have a chance for the other this season. I say, let's do this.

Rockies 6, Giants 5 (12 inn.): This is what I want. I want the Snakes and the Dodgers and the Rockies to all come together in a harmonic convergence of bad — a black hole of awful baseball, if you will — creating a horrifying vortex from which no one can escape. Inferior humans! Exterminate, Exterminate!

Cardinals 8, D-backs 2: Adam Wainwright defiant, to the last: "There's no sports writer, no fan that's telling me we're out of this thing. Until the last game of the season I'm battling like we're going to be ready for the playoffs." You tell 'em... us, Adam.

Dodgers 8, Padres 4: If the Dodgers are 15-16 since adding Manny, who is batting .414 with 29 RBI post-Boston, what does that tell you about the rest of the Dodgers?

Indians 9, White Sox 3: Victor Martinez breaks a 57-game, 203 at-bat homerless streak, one of the more curious droughts I've ever seen. He's been hurt, some of the time, but that doesn't explain zero homers. Let's get Woody Bernstein down here to start digging.

Blue Jays 7, Twins 5: The Twinkies and White Sox are both going through a hit-the-snooze-button part of their seasons. The good news for the Twins is that the rest of the Sox's schedule is a lot harder than the rest of their schedule.

Angels 5, Tigers 4: K-Rod-'n'-Thiggy-o-Meter: 54. Three saves to tie. ... Help is on the way for the Tigers. Leyland reports that Dontrelle and Freddy Garcia both pitched well in a simulated game. There's a joke in there about deck chairs and an overpriced sinking ship. How does it go, again?

Rangers 6, Mariners 4: Brandon McCarthy picks up his first win in 13 months. If he keeps this pace, his next win comes in... say it with me, Rangers fans... October 2009! (I guess that could mean Arizona Fall League.)

Royals 5, Athletics 2: Daric Barton misses a cycle by a double. Good. Seemed like they were starting to give those things away.

Braves 16, Marlins 14: The Fish use their vaunted running game to turn a 10-3 deficit into a three-point lead, which was their biggest turnaround of the season until their defensive line wilted in the fourth quarter as usual.

Pirates 3, Reds 2: Back-to-back jacks for Brandon Moss and Andy LaRoche. See, the Jason Bay trade's working out just fine. No problems with this organization whatsoever. Next!

* * *

Photo of the Day: Water is wet, A's lose

Athletics outfielders Aaron Cunningham (left) and Rajai Davis find the new location of the fountains at Kauffman Stadium really irritating.

* * *

Fantasy Freaks

Pedroia (MVP) 3-5, HR, 5 RBI

Papi (Pedroias) 3-3, 2 R, 4 RBI

Hamels (Phils) 7 1/3 IP, 5 H, 3 BB, 6 K, Win

Kelly Johnson (Braves) 4-5, 2 R, 4 RBI

Armando Amezaga (Fish) 2-6, R, 5 RBI

Rickie Weeks (Cru) 4-6, 2 R, HR

Billy Butler (KC) 3-4, HR, 4 RBI

Zack Greinke (KC) 7 IP, 6 H, 2 ER, BB, 8 K, Win

Andre Ethier (Dodgers) 3-4, 4 R, HR

* * *

Fantasy Flakes

Radhames Liz (O's) 3 1/3 IP, 9 H, 9 ER, 3 BB, 2 K, Loss

Anibal Sanchez (Fish) 3 IP, 8 H, 6 ER, BB, 4 K

Carlos Zambrano (Cub) 5 IP, 5 H, 3 ER, 3 BB, 3 K, Mysterious Arm Ailment

Tim Lincecum (Frye, Frye, Frye?) 5 IP, 5 H, 5 ER, 2 BB, 6 K

Cha Seung Baek (Podz) 3 2/3 IP, 8 H, 7 ER, 2 BB, 3 K, Loss

* * *

Words of Mouth

"I'm sure both sides are better for the separation. I mean, he seems happy here. I don't know what he was like when he was over there because I wasn't there. They're playing well since he left and it's a lot calmer over there." — Joe Torre, on Manny.

This is how I spent my Labor Day weekend. Ivan Rodriguez apparently spent his weekend (well, last Thursday, anyway) taking in some action at the U.S. Open and sitting in front of a modern day George Costanza. The result was a $13 million version of a guy Chris Cornell once sang about.

So have at it, amateur Internet copywriters of the world. How should this caption read?

Follow the jump for winners from Friday's Retro C-a-C:

"I can't believe I didn't shut that garage door" 

1st — Chuck-o-Luck.

Donald Fehr: "That's right Senator, I am Bud Selig's love child!"

2nd — Silver D.

Selig: "Oh please dont tell me that they found out about the Viagra"

3rd — Joseph J.

Selig: "Really? I get it, nobody takes me seriously, but did you have to put my name in Comic Sans on the table tent?"

HM — The Layt Show.

Selig (thinking): "Gosh damn it ... what is the name of that team in Kansas City?"

As we all prepare to watch a Tampa Bay-New York matchup that we mistakenly thought would mean something for both teams, head on over to Rays Index, where they've posted a great breakdown of the money spent by both teams this season.The figures above are the combined salaries of the lineups that the Rays and Yankees will field tonight.

Now, I'm not the one to always say that the man who buys a Hyundai is better off than the one who bought a Jaguar. However, there are always going to be a few times when that money-pit is in the garage and not out and about, flashing its chrome. This is one of them.

1) Just how filthy rich is he going to get in the offseason?

2) Which team will it be with, since it seems as if the Angels won't have it in their budget to make him baseball's highest-paid reliever?

From The Press-Enterprise: 

Numerous times this season, beginning in spring training, Rodriguez has said he will test the market, unhappy with the Angels' attempts to lock him up long term.

"I'm 26 years old, I'm not 38 or 39 looking as this is my last chance," Rodriguez said, perhaps a veiled shot at the Yankees' 38-year-old Mariano Rivera receiving a three-year, $45 million deal.

That gives the illusion Rodriguez wants to beat Rivera's annual intake, to become the game's highest-paid reliever.

"Not everything is about money," he said. "People misunderstand me. It's not all about money. When you feel comfortable with the people around you, money is not everything in this life. I want something fair. That's pretty much all I'm looking for. I just feel I can get four or five years. I'm not an old man in my career. That's all I'm saying. I have to think about a secure future, for my daughters and my family."

But here's the thing, though: Is the market for K-Rod going to be as hot as he thinks it'll be? Most of the teams who can afford to pay $15-16 million a year for a closer already have a pitcher locked up (ie: Mariano Rivera with the Yankees, Billy Wagner with the Mets, Brad Lidge with the Phillies.) 

Meanwhile, the Dodgers wouldn't spend that kind of cash on a closer (Manny or no Manny) and  other teams with old or shaky closers have younger options waiting in the wings (ie: Kerry Wood/Carlos Marmol with the Cubs, Troy Percival/Grant Balfour with the Rays).

That pretty much leaves the Brewers and the Cardinals as the main suitors, but since Milwaukee will be looking to patch the departures of Ben Sheets and CC Sabathia, it'll be the Cards bidding against either themselves or the Angels. 

In other words, K-Rod might want to wait before listing his house on the market.

So without further delay, the Pirates' official death notice is below. In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the Jason Bay and Xavier Nady Relocation Fund. Luncheon at Steve's Lounge to follow the service.

The 2008 Pittsburgh Pirates

Time of death: Aug. 30, after 11-3 loss to Brewers

Causes: Possessed NL-worst 5.23 staff ERA at time of death, weak roster (save for outfield, 2/3rds of which was traded away by August), general indifference, not supported by enough fans dressed as Pirates, team heartbroken over Mark Cuban's serious flirting with possibly Cubs ownership

PECOTA projection: 71 wins, Current pace: 68

Moment in the Sun: OF Nate McLouth joins the crusade against the hip bump, one day before spectacularly throwing out Dioner Navarro to extend the All-Star Game to 12 innings. Coincidence?

Moment of Despair: Tom Gorzelanny bobble dislikes the 'Burgh, flips fans the finger; Signing of Pedro Alvarez happens late enough to give Scott Boras plenty of time to act like Scott Boras

Others remember: "Only the Pirates. Tell me that wasn't your first thought Wednesday when the Pedro Alvarez bombshell landed. It happened in the middle of a less-than-riveting Buccos-Cubs fray at PNC Park, where the atmosphere made a Duquesne basketball game look like Mardis Gras. At the Pirates' request, Major League Baseball placed Alvarez — the team's first-round draft pick — on the "restricted list," making him off-limits to other teams. Pirates president Frank Coonelly said this happened because Alvarez's agent, Scott Boras, claimed the terms of his client's contract were agreed upon after the Aug. 15 midnight deadline, thus rendering the deal invalid." — Joe Starkey, Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

Survived by: The much more relevant Steelers and Penguins, Primanti Bros., Dave Wannstedt

Death watch (w/elimination #s): Washington (1), Cincinnati (2), Baltimore (5)

Big Pimpin', it ain't, but definitely a step up from this.

Can I get a hand clap for the Tampa Bay Rays? Why, certainly.

BONUS LINK: With the Yankees headed into The Trop tonight, make sure to check out this Rays' fan parody of those GEICO commercials with the young racer.