Well, let's look at the bright side: If I would have told you that Chicago Cubs owner Tom Ricketts was going to dress up in a ridiculous costume commonly found in the Wrigley Field stands and some fans would later be mad, you would have just assumed he'd be apologizing to Kosuke Fukudome later. Yes, it's all about small victories these days over here on the North Side. 

So have at it, amateur Internet copy editors of the world. How should this caption read?

Follow the jump for winners from the last C-a-C, featuring Boston's owners:

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If this were a perfect world, the Houston Astros would be entering September with a slate full of important dates against contenders like the Padres, Giants, Phillies and Braves.

Instead, they're looking at a schedule full of has-been and never-were teams just like their own selves. Only the Reds stand out among the sea of Cubs, Pirates and Nats, but the recent 'Stros sweep over the St. Louis Cardinals has almost pushed that Sept. 17-19 matchup to almost being meaningless.  

So it looks like the Astros will have to settle for our simple praise for not rolling over when facing the Cardinals and Philadelphia Phillies the past two weeks. The Astros were a perfect 7-0 against the contenders, throwing a decent-sized wrench into their playoff plans. 

And it looks like we'll have to look toward other basement-dwellers to give managers the sinking feeling that former Astros skip Larry Dierker recalls from his days as a contender:

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The San Diego Padres lost their seventh straight game Wednesday night and, even though they still lead the NL West by four games in the loss column, Joe Posnanski fears the worst for Adrian Gonzalez (helmet) and manager Bud Black.

Though he praises the Friars for their solid starting pitching, their solid defense and their ridiculous lockdown bullpenitentiary, Poz is still not sure how the team with the No. 21 offense in the majors had the best record in the NL until last week.

Choosing to not mince words, Posnanski went and compared the first-place Padres to a recent squad from his hometown team, the Kansas City Royals.

Losing seven straight in a pennant race is bad, but there's no need for slurs, sir!

Via Joe Po's Curiously Long Posts:

In 2003, the Kansas City Royals were in first place until the end of August. The thing that made it wonderful and baffling all at once is that nobody was quite sure how they were doing it. It was like a magic trick. I was watching them every single day, and I had no idea how it was done. Only, it really wasn't like a magic trick. At a Vegas magic show, when you don't know how something is done you think, "This guy's is a great magician." In baseball, when you don't know how something is done you think, "Oh boy, this ain't gonna last."

Posnanski's opinion is probably uniform with most of America, which has been waiting on the Great San Diego Collapse since May. And then June. Later, July. Into August. And everything after.

Speaking of the Counting Crows, the headline of Posnanski's post — "The Padres and a Long September" — recalls one of their hits, "A Long December."

But here's the thing about "A Long December": It's actually an optimistic tune.

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Is this real footage from a Japanese network's call of the Nyjer Morgan(notes) fight? Of course it isn't, new guys over at Awful Announcing.

Still, this melding is all kinds of awesome. How do you say "clothesline" in Japanese?

Big BLS H/N: @joecapmarlins

C'mon, you knew I would find a way to work 9/02/10 day on to the Stew, didn't you?

So what was Luke Perry doing at Cinergy Field on June 1, 2002? Well, it seems that Perry was on hand to read Lou Gehrig's farewell speech as part of a Project A.L.S project. He also threw a ceremonial first pitch to Ken Griffey Jr., (a mind-boggling act that would have made my 1992 self record it on my VCR for posterity).

That's about all the details I have, so let's just assume he delivered Gehrig's words in a disaffected Dylan voice before talking sideburns and Social Security benefits with Johnny Bench.

By the way, Jason Priestley also gave Gehrig's address in Detroit that day, but didn't wear any Tigers gear. I would've expected more from the sports editor of the Beverly Blaze, but perhaps his steroids-obsessed self was taking an early stand against PED use.

(Come to think of it, he was probably also a Minnesota Twins fan.)

UPDATE: My man C. Trent points out below that he could have worn his prized Twins jersey had Emily Valentine not worn it to paint the homecoming float. Awesome.

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The calendar has flipped to September and the annual expansion of baseball's rosters will give plenty of players a chance to make their big-league debuts. 

Most of those players, of course, will be young guys in their early 20s as GMs, managers and scouts try to figure out the future of their teams.

But a few late-season callups might be guys who are a tad older and are finally achieving their dream after years spent riding buses in the minor leagues.

Jesus Feliciano, 30, got his chance with the Mets back in June.  Erik Kratz was called up to the Pirates in July after nine years in the minors. Both have again been demoted, but at least they can say that their pages on Baseball-Reference are now official. They reached the major leagues. 

Completing the tested triumvirate is new Detroit Tigers catcher Max St. Pierre, who was called to Target Field on Wednesday after a trying 14 years of chasing his dream in the minor leagues. St. Pierre didn't get into the 2-1 Tigers loss, but he's been promised playing time by Jim Leyland. (The Tigers manager can relate as he spent 18 years in the minor leagues as a player and manager before ever seeing the big leagues himself.) 

St. Pierre's quest — which includes a couple of unconventional twists — is also one of the main stories in the Detroit Free Press, Detroit News and on MLB.com Thursday morning.

Among a few of the obstacles that he had to topple:

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The good news? Bon Jovi's two-year reign as the playoff song you love to hate is over.

The bad? TBS is replacing those vanilla ditties with Kid Rock's "Born Free" this fall.

Now, don't get me wrong. I completely admire Mr. Kid for the way he realized that his early rap-rock career had a Durst-like shelf life before transforming himself into a record-selling prince of the proletariat by draping his body and average musical skills in the flag. He's become Jimmy Buffett for those who still wear jorts, but still seems like a smart guy who I'd like to have a beer with (which, I suppose, is his exact intent).

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Over the past two weeks, Washington Nationals outfielder Nyjer Morgan has transformed into an updated version of Tanner Boyle from the "Bad News Bears."

In four different incidents, Morgan has exchanged hostilities of varying intensity with nearly every opponent the Nats encountered. Like the pint-sized, foul-mouthed shortstop from the great baseball film, Morgan seemingly wants to take on the entire seventh grade league.

• Morgan is appealing a suspension by the league for throwing a ball into the stands that hit a fan in the face. (At least one Phillies fan has defended Morgan.)

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Gather 'round, because it's time to recap the most recent diamond doings. Roll Call starts in Minneapolis, where they can grow oranges now!

Game of the Day: Twins 2, Tigers 1 (10 inn.)

Fuzzy navel: A somewhat unexpected contributor to the Twins' pennant drive, rookie third baseman Danny Valencia added another great moment with a tie-breaking, game-ending single that scored Michael Cuddyer. His hit against Ryan Perry allowed Minnesota to remain four games up on the White Sox.

Valencia is batting .332 with 16 doubles, two homers and 24 RBIs in 208 at-bats, one of a handful of first-year players thrust into action this season.

"We need 'em. That's for sure. Especially now, with all the injuries we've had to endure in the past two months,” Cuddyer said. "For him to come up and fill in nicely is huge."

O.R. scrubs: Detroit's Max Scherzer, who struck out nine over nine innings, went to a lot of trouble for a no-decision. As Twins broadcaster Dick Bremer pointed out, Scherzer found something when he returned to Triple-A Toledo. Scherzer has allowed one run or fewer in six of his past seven starts.

"He’s got a tremendous mound presence right now," Tigers manager Jim Leyland said. “He’s one of the better pitchers in the league."

Francisco Liriano pitched just as well over seven.

* * *

They Also Played... 

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Using the best technology available today, Slumpbot .200 identifies a few players who are currently having trouble and then offers solutions for recovery.

Cliff Lee, Texas Rangers

Data: 10-8, 3.37 ERA, 1.025 WHIP, 0.6 BB/9, 13.42 K/BB (2-5, 4.69 ERA with Texas)

Data: Cliff Lee was rightly seen as the prize of the trade deadline, but things haven't gone quite as planned for either the Rangers or Mariners. Prized prospect Justin Smoak has hit so poorly that he's now back in Seattle's minors, and Lee gave up more earned runs in his first game with the Rangers than he'd given up in his previous two weeks as a Mariner. During his latest debacle on Tuesday night, Lee gave up seven runs and got knocked out in the fifth inning by ... drumroll, please ...  the Kansas City Royals.

During his abbreviated stay in Seattle, Lee only had two starts in which he gave up four earned runs or more. In his even shorter time as a Ranger, he's had seven such starts, including a current streak of five. As a Mariner, Lee never failed to pitch into the seventh or later, but in his last three starts in Texas, he hasn't made it out of the sixth. Lee still has terrific control, and his lack of walks is helping him challenge the all-time record for strikeout-to-walk ratio, but he's still giving up a ton of hits and homers, and he hasn't thrown a complete game in a month. Something clearly ain't right.

Malfunction: As you might expect, our old friend BABIP can help explain at least part of the problem. Lee's BABIP as a Ranger is .314, well above his .283 BABIP as a Mariner and his career .299 mark. He still isn't walking anybody, so the only baserunners he faces are guys who put a bat on the ball, which magnifies the effect of the hit rate. Similarly worrisome are the home runs: he gave up five homers in 13 starts in Seattle, and he's given up six in his last three. His command is still among the best in baseball, but hits are bunching against him badly.

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