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The underwhelming adventures of Barry Ronaldo

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Cristiano's twin brother Barry. (Getty)

I'm Ronaldo. Barry Ronaldo. Cristiano Ronaldo's identical twin brother. Since everybody always thinks I'm him, sometimes Cristiano lets me take his place and pretend to be him. You probably think that sounds like fun, but it's not because everything always goes wrong for me. For example, my leg falls asleep every time I use my iPhone and I think I'm developing an allergy to all birds.

Cristiano wanted to take a much deserved break after the season, so he told me to go play in Euro 2012 in his place. I felt good about this because I've been eating a lot of mustard lately, but then I missed some scoring chances and everyone keeps chanting "Messi" at me like the kids in school who laughed at my handwriting and now everyone thinks Cristiano is underachieving again. But it's just me. Barry Ronaldo.

When I tried to call Cris and tell him what's going on, my leg fell asleep from using my iPhone again and all I got was his voicemail. He's probably off with his model girlfriend somewhere nice. Meanwhile, I haven't seen my girlfriend, Shedan, in weeks. She did say that if I bring her back the Ukrainian bunion cream she likes, she'll let me sleep next to her bed when I get back. Score one for Barry.

So in conclusion, please don't blame Cristiano for this, do stop chanting things at me -- it's hurtful and makes me feel like I have to pee -- and if you could tell me whether you have any leads on that bunion cream, that would be great too. I miss you, Shedan.

Previous underwhelming adventures of Barry Ronaldo

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