The Roman Abramovich Game: Andre Villas-Boas Edition

Andre Villas-Boas' face is now stuck this way. (AP)

With underwhelming results on the pitch and discord between the players and Andre Villas-Boas in the dressing room, Roman Abramovich must once again decide whether to keep his current manager or sack him and try another one. This, is the Roman Abramovich Game. This week's contestant: Roman Abramovich. Take it away, Roman...

OK, this is going to be a difficult one, but I'm ready. Wish me luck, everybody!

If I don't sack Andre Villas-Boas:

-I don't get to sack him...yet.
-Chelsea might not finish in the top four.
-Frank Lampard's legs will shrivel like dried chili peppers as he sits on the bench.
-Ashley Cole will probably shoot him with an airgun.
-I still won't have anyone able to make the magical potion necessary to turn Fernando Torres and Raul Meireles back into good footballers (does it involve glue sticks?).
-I'll get another mocking text message from Jose Mourinho.

If I do sack him:

-I'll get another mocking text message from Jose Mourinho.
-I'll be one manager closer to getting a free sandwich at Subway.
-I might have to choose between Rafa Benitez and Sven-Goran Eriksson as a replacement.
-I will then have to sack either of them. Maybe both.
-People will continue to make fun of me for being impatient.
-I might cry.
-My tears will get stuck in my beard.
-I will need a beard sponge.
-Beard sponges still won't exist yet.

Lifeline: What do you suggest, Karate Putin?

Karate Putin. (AP)

Karate Putin: Kick him under chin so he bite off own tongue. Make keychain out of tongue.

God, you always say that! Be original for once, Karate Putin.

Karate Putin: Sorry.

OK, I think I've reached my decision...

Verdict: I will sack him and name David Luiz player/manager.

Player/manager David Luiz.