Who invited Paul Scholes?

Lovely. Here I thought we were going to have a nice game of football as per usual and then oh, guess what? Champions League winner Paul Scholes is here and he's going to play against us. How wonderful.

What's that going over my head? It's just the ball, kicked by Paul Funking Scholes from an absurd distance, floating through the sky like a majestic eagle in the night and sneaking under the bar as if it were the limbo king of Chadderton for a goal. And making this even better, there's a camera here to film it all and put it on the internet so everyone everywhere can see this moment forever. This is brilliant.

Who invited him anyway? Does he just wander around town in a kit and randomly play in whatever match he stumbles upon? Is he some kind of footballing Batman?

Maybe I should get David Beckham to play for my team — except no I can't, because David Beckham has better things to do than come to Chadderton Park and quietly destroy a bunch of amateurs. Shouldn't there be rules against an 11-time Premier League winner playing in one of the sides? That should be a rule. Rule 1) No performance enhancing drugs. Rule 2) No Paul Scholes appearing out of nowhere to score goals from two streets away. Rule 3) Seriously, where the funk did Paul Scholes come from?

And now he's scored again. The man is a menace to amateur football. If he ever tries to do this in a Under 10s match, I'm going to call the police.