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Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Saturday Rage List

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Artur Boruc tries to crush Edinson Cavani with his mind. (Getty)

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. EDINSON CAVANI -- YOU ARE THE DEVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAYBE INSTEAD OF SCORING GOALS ALL THE TIME YOU COULD DO SOMETHING NICE LIKE WALK INTO THE DEEPEST OCEAN AND NEVER COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! UNLESS THERE IS A REALLY GOOD SALE ON WIRELESS ROUTERS SOMEWHERE!!!!!!!!!! THEN YOU CAN COME BACK FOR A LITTLE BIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. HERVE RENARD CARRYING HIS INJURED PLAYER TO ZAMBIA'S CELEBRATION -- AHHHHHHHHHHHH MY EYES ARE LEAKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP LOOKING AT ME WHEN MY EYES ARE LEAKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. ALESSANDRO DEL PIERO WAKING A GIRL IN A COMA -- SO WHAT?!?!?!?!??!! I DO THIS AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHENEVER I'M WATCHING THE LITTLE MERMAID AND THAT PART COMES ON WHERE ARIEL'S FIN TURNS INTO UNMUSCULAR HUMAN LEGS I ALWAYS SCREAM "NO ARIEL YOU DO NOT WANT HUMAN LEGS!!!!!!!!!! YOU DO NOT WANT HUMAN LEGS!!!!!!!!!!!!" AND THE NEXT DAY I ALWAYS READ ABOUT A YOUNG GIRL BEING SNAPPED OUT OF A COMA BY A PTERODACTYL-LIKE SOUND THAT HAS LEFT HER PARTIALLY DEAF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH NO ONE EVER THANKS ME FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- I THOUGHT I SAW A BUSHEL OF CORN DEVOUR A VERY FAT BABY BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY JUST A SWIVEL CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!! STAY VIGILANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. CARLtON COLE'S VALENTINE JOKE -- I WISH SOMEONE WOULD GIVE ME AN IRON FOR VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SELF-DEFENSE IS NOT A JOKE!!!!!!!!!!! BUT IT IS A LOT OF FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. ASSAULTING YOUR SOON TO BE TEAMMATES DURING A FRIENDLY -- CONTROL YOUR TEMPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SOMEONE YOU PUNCH REPEATEDLY IN THE PANCREAS TODAY WILL BE YOUR ROOMMATE TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRUST ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ONE TIME I HIT A GUY WITH AN IRON AND THREE DAYS LATER I REALIZED HE WAS ACTUALLY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH THAT WAS SO AWKWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. LITTERING ARSENAL FANS -- YOU MESS WITH THE PIAZZA DEL DUOMO AND YOU MESS WITH ARTUR BORUC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL BEAT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU WITH AN OLD MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE THE POPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HIS NAME IS PHIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. AARON RAMSEY KILLING PEOPLE WITH HIS GOALS -- AHHHHHHHHHHH WHY CAN'T I DO THAT?!?!?!?!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS COMING HOME FROM THE SOUL-OBLITERATING MATCH AGAINST NAPOLI ON FRIDAY WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI WAVED ME DOWN BEFORE I COULD PULL INTO MY GARAGE!!!!!!!!!!!! HE CAME UP TO MY WINDOW AND HE ASKED ME HOW I WAS DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD HIM I WAS FINE EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I WAS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF FINE AND THAT I HAD TO GO SCREAM AT MY MICROWAVE UNTIL MY RAGE LIST SHOWED UP ON THE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE SAID HE SAW THE MATCH AND HE WANTED TO INVITE ME OVER TO SING SONGS WITH HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS SO I WOULDN'T BE ALONE AFTER SUCH A DISAPPOINTING RESULT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ASKED HIM WHAT SONGS WE WOULD SING AND HE SAID ANYTHING I WANTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE SANG SCANDINAVIAN CHRISTIAN DEATH METAL ALL NIGHT AND IT REALLY MADE ME FEEL BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH I HOPE EDINSON CAVANI IS NOW DEEP ENOUGH IN THE OCEAN THAT HE'S ALREADY MET THE GIANT SQUID I ONCE BEAT IN A CELEBRITY LOOKALIKE COMPETITION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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