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Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

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Artur Boruc explains quantum physics. (Getty)

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. I LOVE YOU -- I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!! NOW STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!! STOP IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. THE COLOGNE SMOKE MONSTER --  I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT MUCH BLACK SMOKE SINCE RIGHT NOW WHEN I JUST REALIZED THAT EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH IT'S ACTUALLY NOT BUT I WISH IT WAS!!!!!!!!! WE ALL LIVE FOR OUR FANTASIES!!!!!!!!!!

3. THE HARTLEPOOL SMURFS -- OH GREAT!!!!!!!!!! WHEN THEY DO IT EVERYBODY LOVES IT BUT WHEN I DRESS AS A BUTLER AND BREAK INTO PEOPLE'S HOUSES TO SERVE THEM DINNER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT EVERYONE FREAKS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP SCREAMING AT ME AND EAT MY CROQUETTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- I THOUGHT SOME CORN SNUCK INTO MY SALAD THE OTHER DAY BUT IT TURNED OUT TO BE A WATCH BATTERY!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW I FEEL LIKE I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TIME IT IS EVEN WHEN I'M UNCONSCIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 4:37!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. DIDIER ZOKORA KICKING A RACIST IN THE BALLS -- VIOLENCE IS BAD!!!!!!!!!! BUT RACISM IS WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KICK HIS CROTCH WITH A CANDLE!!!!!!!!!!!

6. THE BLACKBURN CHICKEN -- WHEN I TOLD MY TEAMMATES ABOUT THIS AS LOUD AS I POSSIBLY COULD ONE OF THEM ASKED ME IF THEY CHOKED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DIDN'T KNOW WHY HE WOULD ASK THAT SO I GOOGLE CHICKEN CHOKING AND WAS SO HORRIFIED BY WHAT I LEARNED THAT I DROPKICKED MY IPAD INTO A BOWL OF TERIYAKI SAUCE!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I HAD A BOWL OF TERIYAKI SAUCE BUT I JUST DID SO GET OVER IT ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4:45!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. POLISH POLICE USING SOUND CANNONS FOR EURO 12 -- YOU HAVEN'T LIVED UNTIL YOU'VE LISTENED TO TAYLOR SWIFT THROUGH A SOUND CANNON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S LIKE HEAVEN WITH BLOOD POURING OUT OF YOUR EARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN OTHER WORDS IT IS JUST HEAVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. WOMEN GRABBING FREDDIE LJUNGBERG -- TOUCHING PEOPLE WITHOUT GETTING THEIR PERMISSION IS UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SO IS CHEWING WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN OR TOUCH PEOPLE WITHOUT GETTING THEIR PERMISSION!!!!!!!!! IT'S GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS MAKING MY CROQUETTES ON TUESDAY FOR THAT BUTLER THING I DO WHEN I SAW DAN DRIVE PAST MY HOUSE TO GET TO HIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG BUT THE FACT THAT I HAPPENED TO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW JUST AS HE WAS DRIVING BY WAS CREEPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S LIKE WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR SO LONG NOW THAT WE HAVE SOME KIND OF UNSPOKEN CONNECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4:58 DAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4:58!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH I THINK I CAN HEAR HIS GOOBER KIDS IN THE SOUND CANNON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY HAVE VOICES LIKE HAIRY  ANGELS!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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