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Dirty Tackle

Arsene Wenger lists all the players who are too good for Arsenal

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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(Getty)

(Getty)

You think Luis Suarez is too good for Arsenal, Steven Gerrard? Is that why you set him up for the winner against England at the World Cup even though he was playing for Uruguay and you weren't? Is that why I'm drinking my coffee out of the FA Cup and you're probably drinking out of a more traditional coffee receptacle? Is that why Alexis Sanchez left Barcelona to come to my team and Lionel Messi totally wanted to do the same? How many "Messi to Liverpool" rumors have there been this summer? None. WA-BAM!

Here's a complete list of people who are too good for Arsenal:

 

In case you can't read nothingness, that's no one. No one is too good for Arsenal. Except maybe John Oates from Hall & Oates, but he's not a footballer AND THAT'S IT. In fact, we are so good that the likes of Robin van Persie, Samir Nasri, Emmanuel Adebayor, Cesc Fabregas, Alex Song and Bacary Sagna have all had to leave because they just couldn't handle the weight of the prestige of playing for Arsenal. They all got scared of how good they became. Like a bunch of Spider-Men who couldn't deal with slinging webs like a boss, so they all decided to go be Peter Parkers somewhere else.

Take Cesc, for example. When he was with Arsenal, he had a thick, lustrous mullet. The kind of mullet that could time-travel back to the 1980s more efficiently than a DeLorean fitted with a flux capacitor by the members of Motley Crue. And now he looks like a Catalan Wayne Rooney. But hey, that's his problem now. WA-BAM.

I'm sorry, Steven. I don't mean to go off on tangents, but the sparkle of the FA Cup can be very distracting and your statement was so silly that it's difficult to stay focused on it for too long. Saying that Suarez is too good for Arsenal when he's just left Liverpool is clearly a poor attempt to distract from the Suarez-sized hole left at your club. Replacing a man who can score 30 goals in a season can be difficult. Trust me. I know from experience.

But just to show that there are no hard feelings over your sad and misguided attempt to put me down, I'll give you guys a tip free of charge. Sign Nicklas Bendtner. He's humble. He'll score buckets of goals. He won't ask for too much money. He will never embarrass the club. And- HAHAHAHAHA I can't do it. I can't say it with a straight face. Just forget it. I can't do it.

Anyway, I'll say hello to Luis for you when we meet Barcelona on our annual trip to the Champions League round of 16. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to eat a meatball sandwich out of the FA Cup and send Barca a bid of  £75,000,0001 to try and impress John Oates.

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Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!

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