West Ham striker Andy Carroll is being hailed as the "Hero of Liverpool Forever and Ever" after scoring a hat trick to beat Manchester City 3-2 on the final day of the season to help his former club claim a long-awaited Premier League title. The combination of Man City's loss and Liverpool's 1-0 win over Newcastle put The Reds one point ahead in the table, giving them their first domestic title in 24 years. And it's all thanks to Andy "The New God" Carroll, who will be honored with a special parade through the streets of the city and all the Jagerbombs he can drink. Which is an impressive amount by any standard.
Carroll scored his first goal against Man City seconds after kickoff, launching a majestic shot from the halfway line that some in attendance at Etihad Stadium swear had a trail of rainbows and fire behind it as it sailed through the sky like a comet. Goalkeeper Joe Hart stood and watched in awe as it soared over his head and landed in the back of the net as softly as a kitten on a pillow made of other kittens. Hart then began a slow clap that evolved into the whole stadium raucously cheering Carroll's amazing goal.
With the score at 1-1 early in the second half, Carroll scored his second goal with an acrobatic overhead kick that made the stunts in the film Shaolin Soccer look they were performed by drunk infants with no formal training. He celebrated by levitating in a manner so convincing that magician David Blaine immediately retired so he could devote the rest of his life to writing poems about unremarkable sandwiches.
Finally, after City equalized again in the 89th minute and breathed a premature sigh of relief, Andy "Shark Explosion" Carroll scored a goal so incredible that it cannot be described with human words. All that can be said about it is that it involved a 1080 degree spin, real-life slow motion, a wormhole to another dimension and ice cream raining from the sky.
All three of Carroll's goals were set up by Stewart Downing, who, like Carroll, joined West Ham on a permanent move from Liverpool for a massively reduced fee in the summer of 2013. Joe Cole, another player who moved to West Ham after a forgettable spell with Liverpool, had a vital goal-line clearance in the 65th minute that has already been the subject of a several fine paintings. One of them by Stewart Downing.
As soon as the final whistle blew, jubilant Liverpool supporters wept tears of gratitude and declared Carroll "the greatest £35 million ever spent. Including £35 million spent on spaceship parts." Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard immediately gave Carroll the England captaincy and his place on the World Cup roster so he could begin trying to conceive a fourth child with his wife for the sole purpose of naming it after Carroll. A statue of Carroll with the body of a dinosaur was also commissioned to be erected outside of Anfield and fans of all other clubs wrote him heartfelt letters apologizing for comparing him to an uncoordinated horse person in the past. Andy "Dance Master" Carroll graciously accepted all of this because he is at one with all of Earth's creatures. Even the iPhones.
And then he woke up.
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