1. Two large, fresh-out-of-the-oven thin crusts to distract noted pizzaficionado and Dallas Mavericks star Dirk Nowitzki, thereby throwing off the metronome-precise timing and accuracy Dirk showed en route to scoring 48 points on 15 shots in Game 1;
2. A copy of "Defender," because (as Rob Mahoney noted at The Two Man Game) I'm pretty sure that's the only defender that Oklahoma City Thunder head coach Scott Brooks didn't try on Nowitzki on Tuesday night — preferably the large, cabinet-style arcade version, so that if all else fails, the machine can be tipped onto an unsuspecting Dirk, temporarily incapacitating him and affording the Thunder a 5-on-4 on-court advantage;
3. His whole house, in case Russell Westbrook does indeed shoot 3-for-15 again, because no honest man welches on a bet (and certainly not on a bet he made at a press conference);
4. A megaphone, so he can remind everyone that yeah, the blonde guy had 48 on 15, but I ALSO HAD 40 POINTS IN MY CONFERENCE FINALS DEBUT, WHICH IS STILL VERY INSANELY GREAT;
5. Deodorant. Just in case. Underarm freshness is a must.
If Kevin Durant hits the arena packing these carefully chosen items, he'll A) smell great, B) improve Oklahoma City's chances of getting even and seizing home-court advantage in the Western Conference Finals and C) validate the discussion and intrigue that has surrounded his school-suited accessory in some circles for the past month.
Questions about what's in the bag have persisted even after Durant's revelation of its content to reporters following Game 5 of the Thunder's second-round series against the Memphis Grizzlies. Straight from the horse's mouth: "I got my iPad. I got my bible. I got my headphones and my phone chargers," Durant said last week. I tend to agree with Pro Basketball Talk's Kurt Helin: Not the most thrilling collection of items, but hey, having your phone die stinks.
For what it's worth, Thunder teammate Eric Maynor doesn't appear to be buying Durant's inventory. Oklahoma City's backup point guard recently guessed that the back-to-back NBA scoring champion was holding "two pairs of pants and one pair of Gucci shoes," according to Yahoo! Sports NBA Editor Johnny Ludden, who added that Durant smiled at Maynor's suggestion, "but offered no confirmation."
Smart move. Always leave 'em guessing, KD. Especially when you're about to tip a "Defender" cabinet onto them.
UPDATE: And of course, a very popular endorser of Durant's will be selling his backpack. Warning on the link, as it sends you to a newspaper featuring a rather annoying auto-play video advertisement.