Dirty Tackle - World Soccer

AHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. FIFA -- OHMYGOD YOU ARE ALL AWFUL!!!!!!!!!! YOUR SECRECY AND GREED MAKES ME WANT TO DROPKICK MY OVEN AND HEADBUTT A KETTLE!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST DID IT AND IT HURT A LOT MORE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD!!!!!!!!!!!! I THINK I HAVE A CONCUSSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. EL CLASICO -- I WAS GOING TO WATCH THIS MATCH BUT I GOT SIDETRACKED READING A BOOK ABOUT THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!! AND AFTER READING ABOUT THE SUN I DECIDED TO SEE WHAT ALL THE FUSS WAS ABOUT SO I STARED AT IT FOR A FEW HOURS AND PASSED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! LUCKILY I RECORDED THE GAME BUT I STILL HAVEN'T WATCHED IT YET SO DON'T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED I WILL CALL YOU A PARTY POOPER AND THROW YOU AT THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. THE WORST CLUB IN BRITAIN -- AHHHHHHHHH IF MY TEAM ALLOWED 227 GOALS IN 11 MATCHES I WOULD BE VERY UNDERSTANDING BECAUSE I KNOW MY TEAMMATES ALWAYS TRY THEIR BEST!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THEN I WOULD WEAR ALL WHITE AND STARE AT THEM UNTIL THEIR HEADS EXPLODE LIKE IN THE MOVIE "SCANNERS"!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH WHY ISN'T YOUR HEAD EXPLODING?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?

4. CORN -- I PROBABLY DON'T NEED TO TELL YOU THAT FIFA IS WORKING CLOSELY WITH THE CORN TO DESTROY OUR FREEDOMS AND ENSLAVE US ALL!!!!!!!!!! SEPP BLATTER HAS HAD UNNATURAL RELATIONS WITH THE BUTTERY KERNELS OF OPPRESSION AND HE WILL NOT CHANGE HIS WAYS UNLESS WE RISE UP!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY WHY IS YOUR HEAD STILL NOT EXPLODING?!?!???!?!?!?

5. SIR ALEX BEING A BAD LOSER -- THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A BAD LOSER!!!!!!!! PEOPLE TELL ME I AM A BAD LOSER ALL THE TIME BUT THEN I PUNCH A HOLE IN THEIR WALL AND SET THEIR PLAYSTATION ON FIRE AND THEY USUALLY STOP WITH THE ACCUSATIONS PRETTY QUICK!!!!!!!!!

6. ROY KEANE HATES YOUR SNOOD -- AND I HATE IT TOO!!!!!!! I EVEN HATE THAT WORD!!!!!!! IF THERE WAS EVER A MAGIC WORD TO MAKE ME KNEE SOMEONE IN THE MUSTACHE THAT WOULD BE IT!!!!!!!!! ALSO "FRANKFURTER" AND ANY VARIATION OF "CORN"!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH I HATE THE CORN SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. QATAR'S ISLAND STADIUM -- THIS IS HORRIFYING!!!!!!!!!! I'VE NEVER WORN A FLOTATION DEVICE TO A FOOTBALL MATCH BEFORE BUT I WOULD PROBABLY HAVE TO IF I WENT HERE!!!!!!!!!! I WOULD ALSO WEAR A VEST MADE OF KNIVES BUT ONLY BECAUSE I JUST BOUGHT IT AND I NEED TO GET MY MONEY'S WORTH OUT OF IT!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH I JUST REALIZED THAT THE KNIFE VEST COULD DEFLATE THE FLOTATION DEVICE!!!!!!!!! IT'S A GOOD THING I HAVE UNTIL 2022 TO FIGURE THIS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!

8. ZIDANE'S PAYDAY -- ZIDANE IS MY HERO!!!!!!!!! IF I EVER LOSE MY INVINCIBILITY AND SOMEHOW DIE I WANT TO GO TO A HEAVEN WHERE I CAN JUST TRADE HEADBUTTS WITH ZIDANE FOREVER!!!!!!!!! THAT WOULD BE SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH TEARS ARE JUMPING FROM EYES OUT OF JOY AND ANGER!!!!!!!!!!!! 

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO DAN AND HIS GOOBER KIDS WERE GOING TO GET A CHRISTMAS TREE ON TUESDAY AND THEY CAME BY MY HOUSE TO ASK IF WANTED TO COME WITH THEM!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS BUSY CARVING A SNOOD STABBER OUT OF FLAT SCREEN TV AT THE TIME!!!!!!! STILL I SAID "SURE!!!!!!!" BUT I SAID IT SO THEY WOULD KNOW THAT I HOPE SANTA STEALS THEIR MEDICATIONS THIS YEAR!!!!!!!!!!! AFTER WE PICKED OUT THEIR TREE ONE OF THE GOOBER KIDS ASKED ME WHY I DIDN'T GET ONE TOO!!!!!!! I TOLD HIM THAT ONLY STUPID PEOPLE BUY CHRISTMAS TREES!!!!!!!!! SMART PEOPLE SCREAM AT A TREE THEY LIKE UNTIL IT FALLS OVER AND LETS YOU DRAG IT BACK TO YOUR HOUSE!!!!!!!!! THEN THE GOOBER KID ASKED ME IF THAT'S WHAT I DO AND I SAID "OF COURSE IT IS!!!!!!! I WOULDN'T HAVE TOLD YOU THAT STORY IF IT WASN'T WHAT I DO!!!!!!!!!!" AHHHHHHHHHHHH I WONDER WHERE TAYLOR SWIFT GETS HER CHRISTMAS TREES?!??!?!?!?!??!!?

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Photo: ArturBoruc.com

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