After SCOTUS abortion ruling, Democrats must meet Republicans in the Middle ... Ages

As a modern-day Trump-era Republican who zealously toes the party line, I understand many in this country are upset about the U.S. Supreme Court overturning Roe v. Wade while, in the same week, making it easier for people to openly carry guns without a license.

I get that people are concerned my party, in conjunction with the conservative-dominated high court, will aggressively and relentlessly go after other rights, like same-sex marriage and access to contraception, while also making sure guns and gun owners are showered with the liberties they so richly deserve.

But I want my Democratic and independent friends to know I will do absolutely nothing in my power to meet you halfway and listen to your concerns, while simultaneously saying it’s incumbent on you to meet me halfway and listen to my concerns.

So please, try to moderate your radical view that the country shouldn't look exactly the way I want it to look. Is that too much to ask?

Don't go scorched earth, that's our thing

I’ve heard a lot of you saying it’s hypocritical to the point of being perverse that three conservative justices on the Supreme Court were nominated by a one-term, twice-impeached president who lost the popular vote and whose transparently criminal plot to overturn the 2020 election is now being revealed to a national audience through the Jan. 6 committee hearings. And I’ve heard much about how it seems “weird and unfair” that those three justices helped the court decide that states can’t regulate guns but can regulate a woman’s right to an abortion.

I and my fellow MAGA Republicans have a simple, common-ground-seeking response to those concerns: You should not be allowed to voice those concerns, so we will soon pass legislation in red states across the country that forbids such concerns from being raised as they distract from important things like white men being in charge.

More from Columnist Rex Huppke:

Either believe Jan. 6 committee testimony or welcome President Oprah and Vice President AOC

Can't blame Trump for Jan. 6 riots and election lies. He was just 'following the internet.'

Look, if I’m honest, you’re being a bit hysterical. All this talk of Democrats adopting the same scorched-earth tactics some in my party have used to command power despite representing a shrinking minority of  Americans and touting ideas aimed at returning America to a fetishized “Leave It To Beaver” ideal that never existed in the first place … I’m sorry, I forgot where I was going with that because I got distracted by how much I want America to look like “Leave It To Beaver.”

Longing for a return to ‘simpler times’? Here’s what the 1950s were like.

Stop calling us backward-looking

Anyway, the last thing Democrats should do now is pull every lever of power they have, abolish the filibuster so they can stop this runaway train and do something – anything – that demonstrates they have the will to fight the way my party has fought to bring America to this point. Definitely don’t do that. You all have nothing to worry about.

We Republicans promise this is as far as we go.

What matters now is that you stop calling us backward-looking and start meeting us in the Middle … Ages.

After all, we aren’t the ones who elected a Black president and scared us into realizing there was a possibility we might not always have all the power. That forced us to effectively steal a Supreme Court seat and then pledge allegiance to a dithering former reality TV star who hates morals because there’s no “me” in it and tried to stay in power via a violent uprising and other skullduggery that makes Watergate look like a minor parking violation. Do you know how hard that was on us?

Trump's divisiveness: It was worth the price to secure the end of Roe v. Wade

Not just abortion: Overturning Roe puts your right to conceive babies at risk, too

I’m kidding, it wasn’t hard at all. We got exactly what we wanted, so who cares?

Besides, if you liberals would spend more time trying to understand us, we would continue to spend zero time trying to understand you while also taking away your rights and making some of you feel like you shouldn’t technically exist.

It’s not like we’re trying to hide any of this.

'A historic victory for white life'

Republican Rep. Mary Miller of Illinois spoke about Roe v. Wade getting overturned at a campaign rally with Donald Trump on Saturday: “President Trump, on behalf of all the MAGA patriots in America, I want to thank you for the historic victory for white life in the Supreme Court yesterday.” A spokesperson later claimed she misspoke, but Trump nodded and the crowd applauded, which makes sense because last year Miller said, out loud: “Hitler was right on one thing. He said, ‘Whoever has the youth has the future.’ ”

See? We’re nothing if not consistent.

States will now decide abortion laws. Here's why that could be a good thing.

My mom had an abortion in 1975. My family is finally talking about her decision.

On Sunday, J.D. Vance, the Republican candidate for U.S. Senate in Ohio, tweeted: “If your worldview tells you that it’s bad for women to become mothers but liberating for them to work 90 hours a week in a cubicle at the New York Times or Goldman Sachs, you’ve been had.”

Again, we’re telling you exactly what we want, but there’s no reason at all for you to think we’re going to go “too far” just because at every opportunity we have gone too far and, ideally, a bit further.

A national abortion ban? Sure!

Right after the Supreme Court’s decision to return control of abortion rights to the states – which we promised is all we wanted – former Vice President Mike Pence stood up and called for a national ban on abortion.

As a Trump-inspired Republican in good standing, I swear we will tell you that’s not going to happen right up until it happens, so there's no need to worry. We promise not to push the country's policies even an inch more to the right, except perhaps for a little invalidating all gay marriages and burning every condom.

See? We aren’t unreasonable.

Hail Trump!

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Abortion ruling will embolden Republican extremism, Trump followers