Ranking Seattle's potential NHL franchise names based on fighting ability

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Picking a team name is all about what’s most intimidating, and whales do all right in that department. (Getty Images)
Picking a team name is all about what’s most intimidating, and whales do all right in that department. (Getty Images)

Seattle hasn’t yet been granted a franchise, but that isn’t stopping those trying to bring professional hockey to the city from getting all their Seals in a row.

Oak View Group, the team of investing partners at the forefront of trying to bring an NHL club to the city, has registered 38 different web domains in anticipation of landing a team, according to a report from Clark Rasmussen at DetroitHockey.com. These recently-acquired domains contain variations for 13 different potential team names, though that doesn’t mean the group couldn’t choose a moniker not on the list if (or when) a franchise is granted.

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The 13 names OVG is currently considering for the Seattle franchise include the Cougars, Eagles, Emeralds, Evergreens, Firebirds, Kraken, Rainiers, Renegades, Sea Lions, Seals, Sockeyes, Totems and Whales.

A lot of diversity and solid potential in the initial group of names. To quiet down some of the noise and help you sort through these options, we took the journalist bull by the horns and ranked them based on who would win in a street fight:

13-11) Emeralds, Evergreens, Totems (three-way tie of ineptitude)

Emeralds (jewels) Evergreens (picturesque landscape accessories) and Totems (stationary wood sculptures) all stand zero chance in a fight because, well, they can’t move.

10)  Sockeyes

Sockeye Salmon, though majestic and delicious, are simply at the bottom of the food chain here.

9) Rainiers

The Rainiers were a baseball team based out of Seattle in the area in the 1900’s which got its name their name from a local brewing company — Rainier. After pounding a few beers, a human can be as useless in a scrap as a totem pole or fish, but is still capable of landing a lucky punch here and there.

8) Seals

This creature packs some serious teeth and a mean bite, but lacks the reach and mobility to be a real threat unless it can get inside and work the body. Too many video clips have surfaced of seals getting casually gobbled up by various sea creatures, so the book is out on this pretender’s suspect defence.

7) Sea Lions

Like a seal but it has ‘lion’ in its name, so.

6) Eagles

The only (real) bird of prey on the list rockets up to No. 6 simply on its ability to fly — allowing it to attack from the air and also bail out real quick if the situation gets hairy. Unfortunately, this airborne endothermic vertebrate doesn’t pack enough bite to crack the top-five.

5) Cougars

The cougar, mountain lion, puma, panther, catamount or whatever other terrifying name you want to use will straight up gobble anything within arms-reach, without hesitation. This quick, strong and graceful forest mammal would be battling for top spot on this list were it not for a couple massive sea creatures and a fire-breathing mythological bird holding down the top-three.

4) Renegades

I Honestly don’t even really know what this is or does, but most of the renegades i’ve seen in movies and read about in books are heavily armed, therefor would be able to bust a cap in an approaching cougar before it got close.

3) Whales

Now we’re getting into the real heavy-hitters. Whether you’re talking about sperm, blue, finback or humpback, whales crack the top three simply based on size and positioning on the food chain. Literally nothing stands a chance in a toe-to-toe tilt with a whale — except for a certain mythical cephalopod.

2) Krakens

This legendary giant squid ‘found’ off the coasts of Norway and Greenland is said to grow up to 50 feet in length, putting it in the same heavyweight class as some of the larger, but less mobile, types of whales. It’s biggest advantage here is the ability to mess your face up or make you tap with one or all of its eight arms (tentacles).

1) Firebirds

I would never bet against giant bird that can soar through the air at rocket-like speed with an ability to literally breathe flames straight out of its mouth on command. Sure, the Kraken can shield itself beneath the ocean’s sweet, sweet watery shelter, but if the two combatants ever met on neutral turf, no way you wouldn’t put your money on the thing that can make things explode simply by taking a breath.

Suffice it to say, Seattle’s group will be referring directly to this list when the time comes to officially lock down a name for its team.

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