No joke: Phoenix Suns look like a mess, but they're the best show in the NBA

Imagine you’re a bartender in downtown Phoenix, just minding your business, drying a glass, when a guy walks in wearing purple and orange from head to toe.

The guy introduces himself as Mat, pats his briefcase and says he’s got something to show you, something amazing, that you’ve never seen before, and he asks you for a drink before he shows it to you.

It’s a slow night, and you like the guy’s energy, so you pour him something from the top shelf and tell him it’s on the house.

“Now, what’s in that briefcase?” you ask.

He knocks back his drink, smiles and takes out a tiny basketball hoop, a little trampoline and an itty, bitty gorilla, wearing a Devin Booker jersey and bright orange Nikes. The man reaches into his jacket pocket and produces a basketball about the size of a big marble.

“Now, watch this,” the man says, punching up an app on his phone that plays Jock Jams. It’s that one song you’ve heard a million times, but without knowing the name. “Y’all ready for this? Dun-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-NA-dun-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-NA! Y’all ready for this?”

You’re impressed already. This guy has thought of everything. There’s even a strobe light blinking from his phone, and he’s waving a purple towel over his head like a helicopter.

The man gives the ball to the lil’ gorilla and folds his arms, expectantly.

The gorilla looks at the ball, the trampoline and the hoop, then takes a couple of steps back, like Connie Hawkins in a dunk contest. He’s measuring his steps to pull off one of those dunks that are only possible on a video game like NBA Jam. You can almost hear Tim Kitzrow screaming, “Boom-shaka-laka!”

The little ape bounces the ball once, twice, three times to the beat of the music. By now, there’s a crowd around the bar.

The gorilla starts to run toward the hoop, and WHAM!

Steph Curry, Lauri Markkanen, Victor Wembanyama (twice!) and Joel Embiid, snatch the helpless ape off the bar and start passing him around like they’re the Globetrotters.

The man in purple and orange looks for help from the guys he came in with, but his guy Devin has his foot in a bucket of ice, Brad is talking to a doctor pointing at his back and Kevin is just sitting at the end of the bar, shell shocked. “I coulda stayed in Brooklyn for this,” he mumbles into his glass.

The man’s phone rings. The caller ID flashes “Domin-Ayton” and when Mat answers, Deandre Ayton is laughing like he saw Chris Rock’s latest standup routine. “You had to go to overtime to beat Chicago after you were up 18 in the first quarter?! … I’ll see you Nov. 21!”

The man hangs up and pulls out a few billion dollars to pay for his drink, but there’s no way you’re taking it.

This is the most remarkable thing you’ve ever seen.

“Sir,” you say. “Your money’s no good here. You’ve made my night. I can tell you really care about putting on a good show. And so far, you have.

“As far as I can tell, your guys are letting that little gorilla and you down, but the dude with his foot in the ice bucket and the one with the bad back are tossing olives into shot glasses from 24 feet, and the skinny guy at the end of the bar looks like he’s gonna drop 50 on somebody. He’s so mad, he’s practically smoking!

“Now, don’t go getting all crazy. The last guy who came in here dressed like you brought with him about 20 general managers and a goat. We’re all glad he’s gone.

“Tell you what,” you say. “Here’s another drink, on the house. You’ve made my night, even if those big guys are playing keep-away with the little ball and your gorilla.

“But have everybody work on their stuff between now and Christmas. If things are still just so-so, that’ll be an issue. But who knows? By then, you might have the best team around.

“There’s a guy in the corner now, spinning a basketball on a toothbrush teaching a bunch of guys how to move around without looking at their feet. I think his name is Frank. I saw him in LA a couple years ago, and he looked like he knew what he was doing.

“If this thing clicks, you’ll have the greatest show around!

“But you’ve done enough that I’m willing to give you some time and just watch it all play out.”

You pour him the drink and slide it over when you hear a loud crash.

A bald guy has just thrown one of your patrons out of a window.

“My only regret,” the bald man shouts, “is that we weren’t on the second floor!”

You look back at the man in purple and orange.

“You’ll excuse me,” you say, apologizing. “We’re used to seeing some wild stuff around here. Matter of fact, the only thing we haven’t seen is a championship.

“If you can pull one of those out of your briefcase, you’ll never buy a drink in this town again. Just don’t rush. This is a show I can’t take my eyes off.

“If you guys can get this thing together by Christmas, we’ll all be excited for a happy new year.”

And with that, you turn the TVs to TNT, ESPN and you tell your barback to bring the antennas out of that box in the storage room.

You’ll be just minding your business for now, but you’ll definitely be watching.

Reach Moore at gmoore@azcentral.com or 602-444-2236. Follow him on X, formerly Twitter, @SayingMoore.

This article originally appeared on Arizona Republic: Devin Booker is hurt, Kevin Durant is ready, and the Suns are a mess