Golden: Jake Paul and Mike Tyson will be more fluff than fists

Jake Paul versus the legendary Mike Tyson.

Excuse me while I go find a spit bucket. Make that a hurl bucket.

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On the bright side, we know Cowboys owner Jerry Jones can throw a great party with the best of them and there’s bound to be 50,000-plus at AT&T Stadium but let’s not confuse this July 17 event with a real boxing match.

Netflix doesn’t hitch its wagon to anything that doesn’t make money so the pairing with Paul  — and his 15 million social media followers — represents a great chance to stack some serious greenbacks.

Beyond that, it’s a show. Nothing more.

So why fight Tyson? Eyeballs. Money.

And most important, Tyson poses no threat to him.

This isn’t a real boxing match. The 27-year-old Paul is a pretty-boy celebrity. His brother Logan fought Floyd Mayweather before joining the WWE. Trust me, Jake never would have gotten in the same ring with a 27-year-old Mike Tyson, unless he was there to ref or sing the national anthem but he's more than happy to dance around with an old man for 30 minutes.

This version of Mike is more Geritol than Iron. He’s far from the street-seasoned wrecking machine we witnessed  nearly 40 years ago.

“He’s grown significantly as a boxer over the years, so it will be a lot of fun to see what the will and ambition of a ‘kid’ can do with the experience and aptitude of a GOAT,” Tyson said about Paul in a statement. “It’s a full-circle moment that will be beyond thrilling to watch, as I started him on his boxing journey on the undercard of my fight with Roy Jones, and now I plan to finish him.”

Those words are promotional hype from a man who has no intention of hurting someone who will make him a lot of money for an easy night's work.

Paul once knocked out former NBA player Nate Robinson but don't expect fireworks in this one. Fans are already saying the fight is rigged. Well, it's not really a fight so I wouldn't go that far. Remember, Tyson will be 58 when they enter the ring. He won’t be in there looking to eat an opponent’s children like he vowed after he destroyed Lou Savarese 24 years ago, back when Paul was three years old.

In fact, he’s a father of seven and a cuddly granddad who is more recognizable to this generation for his roles in the Hangover trilogy than for knocking out unbeaten Michael Spinks in 91 seconds in a heavyweight title match or for biting off a chunk of Evander Holyfield’s ear after his invincible facade had long disappeared following the loss to Buster Douglas.

Today’s Tyson sells and smokes plenty of marijuana in his spare time — he blew through over $400 million in career earnings but is reported to be worth a tidy $10 million — and while he has been working out and looks great, Mike hasn’t been a serious fighter since the Clinton administration.

Spoiler alert

Here’s what will happen:

• Paul will promote this exhibition — it won’t be a fight — with the expertise of a younger Bob Arum and make a mint. Tyson will earn a nice paycheck as well.

• Tyson will be in good shape but won’t be in there to destroy. The only knockouts that night will be the models holding up cards between rounds.

• It will go the distance and neither guy will get rocked or knocked down.

• Paul will make millions and continue fighting against other famous people who pose no physical threat to him and many misguided souls will consider him an actual title contender. To his credit, he will be smart enough to avoid real fighters looking to expose him.

No longer the sweet science 

It’s sad what passes for boxing in America. There are actually potential matches out there pitting professionals fighters in the same age group but some promoters rarely match the best fighters one another for fear that a loss would diminish drawing power.

Plus America no longer enjoys a great megafight like it did with the Ali and 1970s heavyweights and Sugar Ray Leonard and the  1980s welters and middles. While the sport still booms in Europe, it's a niche activity on this side of the water.

So we get Paul-Tyson instead.

Seriously, I wouldn’t pay two cents for this thing if it was a Pay Per View but since my Netflix bill comes out on draft...

That’s the thing about a train wreck. It’s hard to turn away when it’s happening.

This article originally appeared on Austin American-Statesman: Jake Paul and Mike Tyson will sell out but won't draw real fight fans