Fantasy Football: It's last-place punishment season — which of these is the best?

It may now seem hard to believe, but there was once a time — way back in the early days of fantasy — when we would simply celebrate the league winners and collect money from everyone else. We had not yet realized that fantasy commissioners possessed full legal authority to administer punishments to last-place finishers.

In fact, sometimes we would actually award the first pick in the subsequent draft to the manager who finished at the bottom of the standings. We were so simple, so naive.

As time passed, courts began to recognize the vast and unchecked powers of fantasy commissioners, so it became commonplace to subject last-place managers to various humiliations, both public and private. Today, almost any indignity or deprivation is considered socially acceptable and allowable under the law if it relates to an individual’s failure at fantasy football. We’ve come so far as a society in such a short time.

(Disclaimer: Yahoo’s legal department did not review the introduction above and it may contain inaccuracies ... or embellishments.)

Earlier this week, we asked the Yahoo fantasy community to tell us about the last-place punishments in your leagues and … well, wow. You people are wild. Some of you are creatively cruel, while others are more mischievous and playful. Like these goofs over here ...

First of all, imagine a person who’s so intrinsically motivated that they would simply discard a perfectly useful baby seal poster — long considered the gold standard in motivational tools. Incredible. High achievers are truly built different.

The great thing about this ostensibly mild punishment is that it lives with you for a full year, occupying some corner of your personal, physical space. At various times, you are going to have to awkwardly explain why a framed harp seal poster is hanging in your office or guest room or garage. The shame of losing the league will revisit you constantly, and in the weirdest way.

Just look at this beauty of a poster, which of course would eventually become a waking nightmare for the person in possession of it:

Here’s another league with a seemingly modest penalty that could, in time, infuriate the person being penalized:

We wouldn’t typically promote punishments of a scatological nature, but the poop emoji is so universally beloved and remarkably versatile that it seems fine.

This league should honestly consider requiring its last-place finisher to use the avi above for a full year, not just for a single month. Almost anyone can dial back their social presence for 30 days or so to minimize embarrassment, but not many have the resolve to lie low until the next NFL season has concluded.

Unlike the leagues above, many of you favor punishments of shorter duration, but with maximum embarrassment and discomfort:

So many details here are unaddressed, such as the allowable varieties of underwear, the distance around this particular block and the distribution channel of these videos. In any case, the possibility of taking a lap while minimally clothed in sub-zero conditions should be sufficient motivation for everyone in the league to compete through the end of the season.

Here’s another last-place penalty designed to make everyone else’s Super Bowl experience a bit more enjoyable:

Several of you submitted versions of this concept, in which the league loser must either provide all food and beverages for the Super Bowl party, or spend their evening personally serving refreshments to the full group. It’s clearly a less-than-ideal way to spend the season’s final Sunday, particularly if you have a serious rooting interest in the game.

Presumably, if someone is functioning as a butler at the Super Bowl gala, they are required to dress in traditional butler attire and make use of traditional butler accoutrements. We should accept no half-measures in league punishments.

Another surprisingly popular last-place humiliation is the running of a beer mile, which is a pretty entertaining thing to do if you’ve prepped for it (but a complete gastric disaster if you haven’t):

Per the official rules of beer miling — and for the benefit of any league commissioners considering this punishment in future seasons — competitors are required to consume one full 12-ounce beer (minimum 5% ABV) before running each quarter-mile. If any beer is expelled by the participants before completing a full mile, they are required to run an additional lap.

It’s really a delightful combined event, bringing together two popular American pastimes that are not in any way compatible. At its highest level, the beer mile has actually been embraced by elite track athletes — the world record is an unrelatable and absurd 4:28. When attempted by undertrained fantasy managers, a beer mile will generally end in hilarity and disaster.

Here’s a well-edited video of a fantasy-related beer mile attempt that was too graphic to embed, yet too entertaining to not share. This punishment definitely isn’t for everyone. Which, of course, is kind of the point.

Look at this group of reckless fools, putting their own human children at risk for the amusement of the league:

Yeah, um … we cannot officially condone this punishment, ingenious though it might be. Unless every participant in the league is a childcare professional, this seems like a genuinely terrible idea. Very high likelihood of property damage and/or injury. Either we need to put some guardrails on this one, or each member of this league should maybe have their kids taken into protective custody. We are horrified.

There’s still time to switch this punishment to one or more of the much safer and equally humiliating ideas above, Erick. We are begging you to reconsider.

What punishment will you dish out this season?