After months of back and forth, Carlos Tevez has announced his desire to leave Manchester City. The following is a transcript of how he and his controversial advisor, Kia Joorabchian, informed manager Roberto Mancini of his wish.
Joorabchian: Hello, Roberto. I'm afraid Carlos has something he would like to tell you.
Mancini: Really? I don't think he's spoken a word of English since he arrived here. Now I'm excited! What do you want to say, Carlos?
Tevez: Ungggrrhhh Ungghh!
Joorabchain: Carlos says, "It is with great regret that I have to inform Manchester City of my wish to leave the club. I would like to state that I have great respect for the club, its supporters and the owner, Sheik Mansoor, who has been nothing other than respectful to me.
"I hope that the people understand the difficult circumstances I have been living under the past 12 months, in regards to my family. Living without my children in Manchester has been incredibly challenging for me. Everything I do, I do for my daughters, Katie and Florencia. I need to be closer to them and to spend more time with them. I need them to be happy because my life is about them now. I need to be in a place where they can adapt.
"Being captain of Manchester City, qualifying for the Champions League, winning the FA Cup and finishing as top-scorer last season has made me very proud. I hope that most of the City fans will understand that I have given them my all on the pitch and that my dedication to the city cause has been 100 per cent on the pitch. I hope I have done my bit to help City continue their progress towards their ambition to be champions of England and to advance in the Champions League. I have no doubt that the players and management of City will achieve great success in the future."
Mancini: No, I don't think he said any of that. He just grunted the way he does when he has to go to the bathroom during training.
Tevez: Unggghhh! Ungggrrrrrrrr Unggghhh!
Joorabchian: He says he means it.
Mancini: Why is he grunting, anyway? He can at least speak Spanish.
Joorabchian: Carlos says he doesn't feel like it.
Mancini: Carlos, I've told you before, if you want to see your family more, just bring them to Manchester to live with you.
Joorabchian: Carlos says that Manchester is a vile wasteland where there is literally nothing to do. He also says that he can't believe there isn't a single restaurant or roller disco in the entire city.
Mancini: Well, I don't know about roller discos, but I do know there are a great many restaurants. Have you even tried looking for one, Carlos?
Tevez: Unngggghh! Ungrrrrrrrragggh! Unnngghhhhh!
Joorabchian: He says "no."
Mancini: I'm sorry to hear this, Carlos. We would love to have you stay. I must warn you that it could be difficult to find another team that will want to take on your massive wages, though.
Joorabchain: Carlos says he might be willing to reconsider.