If it continued… (Bayern Munich v Chelsea)

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Chelsea proved that they had more lives than a video game character this season by beating Bayern Munich in a penalty shootout to win the Champions League final. It was a hard luck loss for Bayern, who had a total of 43 shots and 20 corner kicks to Chelsea's nine shots and one corner kick (which they scored on in the 88th minute) during 120 minutes of play. Bayern's Arjen Robben had a penalty saved early in extra time and yet another chance to win in front of the home crowd was blown when they lost the shootout 4-3.

We've never asked "What if it continued?" after a match that ended with a shootout, buy for this one we must. So...what if it continued?

-Everyone agrees not to give Bastian Schweinsteiger a hard time about hitting the post with his all-important penalty and then getting emotional because he's an awesome guy and not John Terry.

-Fernando Torres shoots, the ball turns into a unicorn.

-Roman Abramovich wonders if its worth spending billions of pounds to win football tournaments. He has his answer when he remembers how meaningless money is to him and that winning football tournaments is really fun.

-Toni Kroos shoots, Petr Cech saves it even though his helmet slipped down over his eyes and he sneezed at the same time.

-Angered by Chelsea's success with a defensive style of play, Xavi declares the Champions League dead to him and starts a new, segregated tournament only for teams with an attacking style of play. He calls it the "Superior Network of Brilliance League" (the SNoB League). Bayern Munich accept his invitation to join before he even sends it.

-Mario Gomez's first-half shot lands safely in a goal in Kuala Lumpur.

-Wearing his kit like the rest of Chelsea's suspended players, John Terry chews through his restraints and attempts to take a penalty kick. The spider carved into Salomon Kalou's hair bites him before he can.

-Arjen Robben regrets falling on top of his lucky hairbrush and smashing it into a thousand pieces.

-Andre Villas-Boas holds his fingers in his ears and shouts "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA." Then he resumes counting all the money Roman Abramovich gave him and giggles.

-The reality of a goalkeeper taking his team's third penalty kick in a Champions League final shootout and casually making it starts to sink in.

-Petr Cech saves Xherdan Shaqiri's shot before he even officially joins Bayern Munich.

-Arsenal fans' enjoyment of Chelsea snatching away Spurs' Champions League spot is completely ruined by Ashley Cole winning the Champions League before they have.

-Michael Ballack explodes in a cloud of bitterness and confusion. His spirit is pleased that most of the Ballack chunks landed on Philipp Lahm, though.

-The shootout is abandoned when Didier Drogba builds everyone a hospital, ends the entire concept of war and adds 10,000 years to the Mayan calendar.

-Despite his successes, Roberto Di Matteo gets sacked while he's on the toilet.

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