Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. PLAYING MY FIRST MATCH FOR POLAND SINCE 2010 -- AHHHHHHHHHHHH I WAS SO NERVOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE FRIENDLY AGAINST IRELAND THIS WEEK WAS MY FIRST INTERNATIONAL CAP SINCE I WAS KICKED OFF THE TEAM IN 2010 FOR TRYING TO FLY THE TEAM PLANE HOME FROM THE USA BY LOCKING THE PILOTS IN THE BATHROOM AND SCREAMING AT THE COCKPIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVEN THOUGH IRELAND WON AND I ONLY PLAYED THE FIRST HALF IT FELT SO GOOD TO BE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BETTER THAN HIGH-FIVING A COMET WHILE GETTING STABBED WITH A NINJA SWORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. DAVID BECKHAM DONATING HIS PSG SALARY TO CHARITY -- LIKE DAVID BECKHAM I'VE BEEN DONATING ALL OF MY WAGES TO THE ORGANIZATION I FOUNDED TO COMBAT THE CORN UPRISING FOR YEARS NOW BUT UNLIKE DAVID BECKHAM I NEVER FELT THE NEED TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT AND REAP THE PRAISE FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST REALIZED THAT THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SCREW YOU CORN!!!!!!!!!! SCREW YOU AND YOUR MIND TRICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. PETER ODEMWINGIE -- EVEN THOUGH I CAME VERY CLOSE TO SIGNING WITH QPR MYSELF I STILL HAVE TO ASK WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? HOW MUCH GLUE DID YOU SNIFF ON DEADLINE DAY BEFORE DRIVING TO ANOTHER CLUB AGAINST THE WISHES OF YOUR OWN SEEMED LIKE AN AWESOME PLAN?!?!?!?!?!??! I DON'T MEAN THAT SARCASTICALLY I JUST REALLY WANT TO KNOW FOR SCIENTIFIC PURPOSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING WHY MY RAGE LISTS HAVE NOT BEEN APPEARING AS CONSISTENTLY AS THEY USED TO!!!!!!!!!!!! WELL THE ANSWER IS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN DOUBLING DOWN ON MY FIGHT AGAINST THE KERNELED MENACE THAT WILL ONE DAY THREATEN OUR FREEDOM AS NON-VEGETABLE LIFE FORMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH BUILDING A GLOBAL LASER DEFENSE SYSTEM OUT OF WATER BOTTLES AND PICTURES OF EXERCISE EQUIPMENT IS MUCH HARDER THAN ANYONE WOULD EVER EXPECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. NIGERIAN PROSTITUTES PROMISING A WEEK OF FREE SEX IF THEIR COUNTRY WINS THE AFCON -- SURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN NIGERIAN PROSTITUTES OFFER FREE SEX EVERYONE THINKS IT'S GREAT BUT WHEN I OFFERED POLAND A WEEK OF FREE FIGHTS TO THE DEATH IF WE WON EURO 2012 EVERYONE ROLLED THEIR EYES AND TOLD ME TO "STOP IT"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WELL I'M SORRY BUT I CAN'T JUST STOP BEING GENEROUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S A PART OF WHO I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. MATCH-FIXING -- EVEN IF ALMIGHTY GODDESS TAYLOR SWIFT HERSELF ASKED ME TO FIX A MATCH IN RETURN FOR A SONG WRITTEN JUST FOR ME THAT REFERENCED BOTH THE DIFFICULTIES OF BEING A TEENAGER AND HOW HARD IT IS TO BUILD A GLOBAL DEFENSE SYSTEM OUT OF WATER BOTTLES AND PICTURES OF EXERCISE EQUIPMENT I STILL WOULDN'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MATCH FIXING IS AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT IF SHE ALSO THREW IN A BOTTLE OF HER PERFUME I WOULD HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT TASTES SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. A PITCH INVADER KISSING LEO MESSI -- THIS COULD HAVE ENDED VERY BADLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS KEEP A WIDE ARRAY OF WEAPONS INSIDE MY BODY AT ALL TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO SAFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. HORSE MEAT -- OF COURSE WHEN I START PLAYING IN ENGLAND THEY DISCOVER THAT HORSE MEAT IS IN ALL THE FOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS WAS A HORRIFYING REVELATION!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY COULDN'T IT BE YETI MEAT!?!?!?!?!?!??! WHY IS IT NEVER YETI MEAT?!??!?!?!?!?

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO EVER SINCE I MOVED MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI AND HIS GOOBER KIDS FROM OUR OLD NEIGHBORHOOD IN FIORENTINA TO OUR NEW ONE IN SOUTHAMPTON I HAVE CURSED MY FONDNESS FOR THEM ON AN HOURLY BASIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE OTHER DAY I ASKED DAN TO CHECK ON THE BOOBY TRAPS HIDDEN THROUGHOUT MY PROPERTY WHILE I WAS IN IRELAND AND HE SAID "I DON'T KNOW ARTUR THAT SOUNDS DANGEROUS"!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THEN I SAID "WELL HAVE ONE OF YOUR KIDS DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!" AND HE SAID "NO"!!!!!!!!!! AND THEN I SAID "BUT YOU HAVE TWO OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" AND HE SAID NO AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO I SAID "FINE!!!!!!!!!! I RESPECT YOUR DECISION!!!!!!!!!!!!!" EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I WAS STILL GOING TO BUY ALL OF THEM VERY EXPENSIVE SOUVENIRS IN DUBLIN ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE THEY ALL LIKE BUTTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!