Big Ten might dethrone SEC as King of Intraconference Hostility | Whitley
The SEC’s motto is “It Just Means More,” and it has the dead trees to prove it.
Who could forget the deranged Alabama fan Harvey Updyke? He poisoned the hallowed oaks at Auburn’s Toomer’s Corner after the Tigers beat the Crimson Tide.
We Southern bumpkins take pride in being the champion of football passion. But here comes the Big Ten, eyeing that title belt.
Michigan’s sign-stealing scandal has the entire league on the verge of going full Updyke. In the latest twists, Wolverines fans said Ryan Day’s family was feeding dirt to NCAA investigators. Big Ten coaches have demanded the league punish Michigan before Jim Harbaugh skates to the NFL at season’s end.
Michigan officials claim Ohio State and Rutgers gave information on Michigan’s signs to Purdue. Both sides are lawyering up for whatever comes next. Big Ten Commissioner Tony Petitti has a full-fledged Civil War on his hands.
“I wouldn’t wish that on anyone,” SEC Commissioner Greg Sankey said.
I would, just for the entertainment value. This is getting so juiced up, Vince McMahon must secretly be running the Big Ten.
Harbaugh even brought in wrestling legend Ric Flair this week to fire up his team. Penn State fans immediately scoured all available video to see if Flair had disguised himself as a UMass waterboy and covertly scouted their game last month.
Maryland should bring in Triple H as an honorary captain for next week’s game against the Wolverines. The way things are going, I fully expect a steel cage to be constructed around Michigan Stadium for the showdown with Ohio State in two weeks.
Coaches from the 12 other Big Ten teams will be on Ohio State’s sideline, ready to decipher Michigan’s signals and scream “pass” or “run” to Day. Jim “Single H” Harbaugh will strut in wearing a fur-lined sequined robe and waving a restraining order that allows him to coach. The well-coiffed Fox sideline reporter will ask him for his thoughts:
“I’m Jim Harbaugh! The stylin', profilin', limousine riding, jet flying, sign-stealing, wheelin' and dealin' son of a gun... Wooo!”
Harvey Updyke couldn’t have said it better.
Speaking of scandalous, we will not bring up Florida’s special teams. We must, however, analyze the Gators’ chances against LSU.
Lingering doubts: Will LSU QB Jayden Daniels play Saturday vs. Florida football? Here's the latest
Ink 'em up: Florida basketball signs 4-star guard to 2024 class
Florida at LSU: UF's chances are not good, though there is slight hope LSU will have to go with backup QB Garrett Nussmeier. That means the Tigers might only have five plays go for 40-plus yards. The Tigers’ defense isn’t much better than UF’s, but it’ll be hard for Florida’s offense to keep pace. LSU 42-30
Alabama at Kentucky: Also known as The Bear Bryant Bowl, since he coached there until realizing UK was hopelessly a basketball school. Mark Stoops has sort of changed that, but not enough against a Bama team that seems to be figuring things out. Alabama 27-17
Miami at FSU: Tyler Van Dyke has zero touchdowns and five interceptions in the past two games. Everybody in Dade County is questioning whether Mario Cristobal is an $8 million version of Al Golden. But in keeping with this week’s theme, it must be noted that The Rock played for UM. Maybe he’ll be the ‘Canes next coach. FSU 28-14
Tennessee at Missouri: The battle for No. 2 in SEC East, baring a miraculous turnaround from UF. The Tigers proved they weren’t a fluke last week against Georgia. I’ll be a true believer if they handle the Vols. Tennessee 31-24
Vanderbilt at South Carolina: The battle for No. 6 in the SEC East, barring a complete collapse from UF. If the Commodores win, Carolina fans will be ready to throw Shane Beamer off the nearest top rope. South Carolina 33-17
Update: The ACC Football Subcommittee is considering changing the league’s motto to “It Just Means Less.”
North Carolina at Duke: Speaking of the ACC, this looked interesting a month ago, then both turned back into basketball schools. Go with the Fighting Kzryzewskis. Duke 25-24
Mississippi State at Texas A&M: Bear Bryant also coached at Texas A&M, but he knew Jimbo Fisher would someday turn it into a basketball school. Call this one the Maroon Gloom Bowl, with the losing coach moving one step closer to getting a bionic elbow out the door. Texas A&M 17-11
Ole Miss at Georgia: Lane Kiffin is the SEC’s greatest heel since Steve Spurrier. The difference is Spurrier won big matches and hung half-a-hundred on the Bulldogs in Athens. Ole Miss would gladly take a 6-3 win Saturday, but it’s just not in the script. Georgia 27-13
Trivia: Andre the Giant weighed more than Vanderbilt's entire offensive line in 1977.
Oklahoma State at UCF: The Knights finally won a Big 12 game last week, but it was over Cincinnati, so it barely counts. Meanwhile, Okie State was beating Oklahoma. UCF’s only hope is that the Cowboys have a severe Bedlam hangover and Ollie Gordon doesn’t run for 400 yards against the 127th-best rushing defense in the FBS. Oklahoma State 28-17
Auburn at Arkansas: The only thing I feel certain about here is that if Auburn is setting up for a winning field goal, it will not freak out and be penalized for having 18 men on the field. That might be enough to upset the Hogs. Auburn 20-17
Last Week: 7-3. Season 62-26
Bonus Prediction: If Jim Harbaugh and Ryan Day meet in Wrestlemania 40, Michigan fans will distract the referee while Harbaugh hits Day over the head with a folding chair.
David Whitley is The Gainesville Sun's sports columnist. Contact him at dwhitley@gannett.com. Follow him on Twitter @DavidEWhitley
This article originally appeared on The Gainesville Sun: Michigan mess has Big Ten turning into the WWE
