Big Ten football: Ranking the conference's 11 protected rivalries
Look, we’ve known for a while that some Big Ten football rivalries are more important than others.
It’s part of the conference’s charm for us here at the Big Ten Misery Index. Why else would we pull up the Big Ten Network on a fall Saturday afternoon if not to watch Kirk Ferentz and P.J. Fleck battle over a 98-pound brass pig? And we’re not often disappointed: The fury engendered by those annual grudge matches can lead grown men to do incredibly petty things. Like, say, calling three straight timeouts in the final minute of a 35-7 blowout in freezing weather, just so the losing coach could reflect upon the surrendered glory that is “Floyd of Rosedale.”
“No sense taking (the timeouts) on the bus, right?” Ferentz told reporters after the Hawkeyes’ victory over the Golden Gophers in 2020. “You guys have reminded me of that a couple times over the last 22 years.
“Figured we’d take Floyd with us and leave the timeouts here,” Ferentz finished, coming as close as any Iowa coach ever has to delivering a line from “The Godfather.”
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Of course, not every rivalry has quite as stellar a prize. Minnesota/Nebraska, which features the “$5 Bits of Broken Chair Trophy,” doesn’t quite stir up those emotions, y’know?
Thus that was one of nine rivalries that failed to make the cut when the Big Ten released its plan for the 2024 and 2025 schedules, featuring a “Flex Protect Plus” plan that ensures every team (except Penn State, for some reason) will have at least one protected rivalry as the conference expands to 16 teams.
(While we’re on it, we’re pretty sure “Flex Protect Plus” is one of the four things advertised on the Big Ten Network, along with Auto-Owners Insurance, State Farm Insurance and, well, the Big Ten itself.)
The Broken Chair Trophy stays on the schedule for 2024 and 2025, but it’ll likely be done for a couple years after that, as the conference’s 11 protected rivalries take center stage.
Let’s pour one out for some of the other grudge matches that’ll be taking a leave of absence, eventually:
Michigan State vs. Penn State — Maybe the Land Grant Trophy can just stay at Ford Field after this year, if only to save on shipping costs?
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Michigan vs. Minnesota — The Little Brown Jug gets one last toot in 2024 before going into storage (mostly likely in Ann Arbor) for 2025.
Illinois vs. Ohio State — Maybe they can lend “Illibuck,” a carved wooden turtle, to the Maryland/Rutgers rivalry?
But while we mourn the end of USC’s perennial rivalry with traveling to Pullman, Washington — and look forward to USC’s first trip to West Lafayette, Indiana, coming in 2024! — let’s run though the Big Ten Misery Index, from most miserable rivalry to least:
11. Maryland–Rutgers
The trophy: Hahahahahahahah.
The series: 13 games, dating back to 1920; Maryland leads, 8-5.
The buzz: “Dating back to” is doing a lot of work here, as the Scarlet Knights and Terps played each other in 1920-21, then not again until 2007. They’ve played every year since joining the Big Ten in 2014, with Maryland holding a 6-3 edge in conference games. But seriously, this isn’t even the biggest rivalry between the two states — we’d rather watch six hours of “The Sopranos” and “The Wire” to determine which state has the better HBO drama.
10. Illinois-Purdue
The trophy: Purdue Cannon.
The series: 98 games, dating back to 1890; Purdue leads, 47-45-6.
The buzz: The Boilermakers have a giant drum and a tiny cannon, and no, those aren’t metaphors for anything. If the Big Ten’s expansion to California doesn’t work out, Purdue is presumably prepared to invade Missouri.
9. Wisconsin-Iowa
The trophy: Heartland Trophy.
The series: 96 games, dating back to 1894; Wisconsin leads, 49-45-2.
The buzz: They should replace the bronze bull trophy for this one with a bust of Iowa OC Brian Ferentz — the Hawkeyes averaged 3.2 points over the first six games of the rivalry (all played before World War I) and have been shut out by the Badgers nearly as often (nine times) as they have reached 31 points (11 times).
8. Nebraska-Iowa
The trophy: Heroes Trophy.
The series: 43 games, dating back to 1903; Nebraska leads, 26-16-1.
The buzz: Their Black Friday tradition — featuring a football-shaped trophy — only goes back to Nebraska’s entrance into the Big Ten in 2011. Before then, the schools had played just six times since the end of World War II. We’ll at least give the Big Ten credit for sticking with it, kinda like we give credit to Nebraska for sticking with basketball.
7. Illinois–Northwestern
The trophy: Land of Lincoln Trophy.
The series: 116 games, dating back to 1892; Illinois leads, 57-54-5.
The buzz: The Illini have just five wins in the 14 games since the previous trophy, the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk, was replaced in 2009 with an Abraham Lincoln-style stovepipe hat in bronze. We’re also docking some points here for mounting the trophy on a base — you trade a stovepipe hat every year, players oughta be able to wear it.
6. Indiana–Purdue
The trophy: Old Oaken Bucket.
The series: 124 games, dating back to 1891; Purdue leads, 76-42-6.
The buzz: We can certainly view the reward for this rivalry as its 1925 founders did — “the most typically Hoosier form of trophy” — but it’s kinda fitting that these two programs are symbolized by something that spends most of its time in the dark with only the occasional rise to (water-delivering) glory. Or whatever.
5. UCLA-USC
The trophy: Victory Bell.
The series: 92 games, dating back to 1929; USC leads, 52-33-7.
The buzz: A highly anticipated annual blockbuster that all too often turns into a disappointing snoozer — 12 of the past 16 matchups have been decided by double digits. That’s Hollywood, baby!
4. Minnesota-Iowa
The trophy: Floyd of Rosedale.
The series: 115 games, dating back to 1891; Minnesota leads, 62-52-2.
The buzz: “Floyd” is more than a trophy — he’s a cautionary tale for our times, as the brass pig memorializes the stakes of the 1935 bet between the states’ governors, a pig that died eight months later because it wasn’t vaccinated (against cholera, but still).
3. Michigan-Michigan State
The trophy: Paul Bunyan — Governor of Michigan Trophy.
The series: 115 games, dating back to 1918; Michigan leads, 72-38-5.
The buzz: This is one of the most historically lopsided rivalries on the protected list, and we do mean historically — 33 of the Wolverines’ victories in the series came before Paul was first given to the winner in 1953. Since then, U-M still leads, but only by a 39-29-2 margin.
2. Minnesota–Wisconsin
The trophy: Paul Bunyan’s Axe.
The series: 130 games, dating back to 1892; Wisconsin leads, 62-60-8.
The buzz: Did this rivalry get a push past U-M and MSU’s Small Paul solely for the size of the humongous axe the winning team gets to wield? Maybe. In fact, let’s expand this trophy series; we need the Badgers and Gophers playing in hockey for Paul Bunyan’s Skates, the hoops teams playing for Paul Bunyan’s Shorts. Heck, even the academic decathlon teams playing for Paul Bunyan’s Pencil. You get the idea.
1. Michigan–Ohio State
The trophy: None.
The series: 118 games, dating back to 1897; Michigan leads, 60-52-6.
The buzz: There’s no trophy. There hasn’t even been much competitive balance, with the Buckeyes winning 17 of 22 this century (though not, of course, the past two, sending Michigan to the Big Ten title game and the College Football Playoff in back-to-back seasons). There isn’t even, technically, a name for the rivalry ... but does there need to be?
It’s “The Game,” featuring That Team Up North vs. That Team Down South. Bo. Woody. Jim. Urban. The Big House. The Horseshoe. The only way it could get bigger is if the U.P and Toledo were at stake again in the neverending war between Michigan and Ohio.
This article originally appeared on Detroit Free Press: Big Ten football: Ranking the conference's 11 protected rivalries
