Big Ten football Misery Index: Why another 'little brother' flopped vs. Michigan football

If you needed a sign that Big Ten football was back to normal this season – well, mostly normal; Michigan football actually beat Ohio State for once — it was right there Saturday: The return of grudges.

Football grudges, that is — the kind that make you write entire paragraphs without the letter M, or, alternately, make you issue a proclamation with 37 capitalized M’s. The kind that make you cherish an objectively gawd-awfully ugly trophy. The kind that leave you staring with longing at an 8-foot chopping implement — “This is the worst feeling you can have. It just pains you so much,” said Wisconsin linebacker Leo Chenal — from across the field.

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The coronavirus pandemic tamped a lot of that down last season; we were too happy just having a season to worry too much about rivalries. Throw in a late October start and a shortened schedule that grew even shorter when a slew of traditional rivalry games —such as the Old Oaken Bucket (Indiana/Purdue), the Freedom Trophy (Nebraska/Wisconsin) and The Game (Michigan/Ohio State) — were nixed by COVID-19 breakouts on campus.

So many of the rivalries have storied origins.

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The states of Ohio and Michigan have seemingly always hated each other, since they were split apart, and then went to war over Toledo. Which, c’mon … Toledo? At least Bowling Green beat a Big Ten team this year. Of course, now Michigan and Ohio just war over who gets to complain about Jim Harbaugh the most. (He’s all yours, Ohio! Don’t feed him any steak or whole milk after midnight, and we’ll be back to pick him up next November!)

Minnesota and Wisconsin have been playing each other since 1890 — and every year since 1907, for the longest continuous rivalry in FBS — so we’re pretty sure it’s not about what state the movie “Fargo” was set in. Maybe hot dish recipes, who knows?

And then, there’s the newer rivalry, with neighbors Iowa and Nebraska playing for the 11th time as Big Ten members for the “Heroes Trophy,” which certainly seems like an organic trophy and not something that’s trying a bit too hard. Why are they rivals, the Huskers of Corn and the Ethanol-Makers of Corn, er, Hawkeyes? Beats us. But corn is probably involved.

But there they were, all back in a two-day span: six traditional rivalries (five with trophies) on Saturday … and, of course, Maryland/Rutgers, playing for something bigger than a rivalry — a bowl berth.

Still, the annual matchup between the two newest members of the Big Ten needs a trophy. The Sopranos/Wire Trophy? The Home Box Office Trophy? The Prestige TV Trophy? The David Chase/David Simon Trophy? The Bada Bing Trophy? (Actually, we might not be able to show that one to prospective recruits.) Anyway, let’s make this happen. And while we’re waiting on that, let’s run through the Big Ten Misery Index, from least miserable to most.

14. Michigan: W, 42-27, over Ohio State

Record: 11-1, 8-1 Big Ten. Last week’s ranking: 13.

OK, sure, this one was nice, but can Coach Harbs beat Ohio State in back-to-back years?

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13. Minnesota: W, 23-13, over Wisconsin

Record: 8-4, 6-3. Last week: 11.

The Gophers won Paul Bunyan’s Axe for the second time in four years. Can they make it three times in five years in 2022? Minnesota hasn’t done that since 1990-94.

12. Maryland: W, 40-16, over Rutgers

Record: 6-6, 3-6. Last week: T-3.

Terrapins running back Tayon Fleet-Davis rushed 18 times for 152 yards Saturday, then excitedly called his girlfriend to tell her Maryland had locked up a bowl berth. (Likely the Quick Lane Bowl at Ford Field in Detroit.) Which tells us something we kinda already knew: even significant others don’t want to watch Big Ten Network at noon, especially if Rutgers and Maryland are involved.

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11. Michigan State: W, 30-27, over Penn State

Record: 10-2, 7-2. Last week: 1.

With 138 yards rushing Saturday, and 1,636 on the season, Kenneth Walker III has likely locked up a trip to New York for the Heisman Trophy ceremony on Dec. 11. He’s probably hoping it goes better than the last time he and the Spartans were in the Big Apple in December.

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10. Purdue, W, 44-7, over Indiana

Record: 8-4, 6-3. Last week: 10.

You can probably guess who led the Big Ten this season in passer efficiency – some freshman in Columbus, we believe — but No. 2? That would be the Boilermakers’ former walk-on, Aidan O’Connell, at 156.7 (about 26 points behind C.J. Stroud, but six points better than No. 3, MSU’s Payton Thorne). O’Connell also led the conference in completion percentage, at 73.5% — a mark he bettered Saturday by going 26-for-31 against the Hoosiers’ battered defense.

9. Iowa: W, 28-21, over Nebraska

Record: 10-2, 7-2. Last week: 9.

Luckily for the Hawkeyes, they remembered to plug in the ol’ turnover-creating machine in the second half in Lincoln. Better pack an extra-long extension cord for that big boy for Indianapolis, eh, coach Ferentz? Iowa’s season, by takeaways: 20 in their first six games combined (6-0), one combined in back-to-back losses to Purdue and Wisconsin, five combined in the next three games (3-0), zero in the first half vs. the Huskers of Corn (while trailing 14-6), two in the second half (which they “won,” 22-7).

8. Illinois: W, 47-14, over Northwestern

Record: 5-7, 4-5. Last week: 8.

Congrats to the Illini for claiming the Land of Lincoln trophy – which is, appropriately enough, a stovepipe hat – for the first time since 2014. Though, if we’re being honest, it’d be a lot cooler if players could WEAR the hat, rather than carry it around on a mount. Be honest … the stand was Northwestern’s idea, wasn’t it? “You’ll appreciate this when you’re older,” and all that …

7. Penn State: L, 30-27, to Michigan State

Record: 7-5, 4-5. Last week: 6.

Guess coach James Franklin’s staying in (Cash-)Happy Valley for another decade, thanks to a 10-year, $75 million extension. So of course he lost to $95-million man Mel Tucker. Shoulda waited for the Black Friday deals, we guess. Wonder if the deal came with a warranty.

6. Nebraska: L, 28-21, to Iowa

Record: 3-9, 1-8. Last week: 7.

Dissapointed-dad/coach-taking-a-pay-cut-to-stay-in-Lincoln Scott Frost tried to sum up the Huskers of Corn collapse in the second half Friday, in which they went from being up by 15 to losing by seven: “It’s kind of been death by paper cuts this year,” Frost said. “Same thing happened today.” For the record, Nebraska’s five possessions after going up 21-6 with just under 21 minutes to play: punt blocked for a touchdown (by an Iowa walk-on), fumble, safety, punt, interception. What the hell kind of paper are they getting cut by in Lincoln?

5. Northwestern: L, 47-14, to Illinois

Record: 3-9, 1-8. Last week: 5.

The Wildcats’ season is mercifully over after averaging 151.3 yards passing over its final six games (including a weird 270-yard game against Iowa). We won’t have to worry about their quarterback situation until next August, when they open against Nebraska in Dublin, Ireland. Hey, aren’t there laws about transporting toxic waste across international borders?

4. Wisconsin: L, 23-13, to Minnesota

Record: 8-4, 6-3. Last week: 12.

First the Gophers took the Paul Bunyan’s Axe trophy (not mounted on a stand; take some notes, Illinois and Northwestern), and then they played House of Pain’s “Jump Around” — the Badgers’ cherished mid-second-half earworm — during the celebration. After Michigan players rejoiced in dancing to the song during their win at Camp Randall Stadium this year, can we be far from hearing it whenever the Badgers visit a Big Ten foe? (Get ready, Spartan Stadium: Oct. 8, 2022.)

3. Rutgers: L, 40-16, to Maryland

Record: 5-7, 2-7. Last week: T-3.

The Scarlet Knights won’t be going bowling, but they will compete in the postseason! Rutgers has a student — Hanan A., a healthcare administration major — competing in the annual Dr. Pepper halftime tuition giveaway. If they win, they get $100,000. If they lose, they have to play quarterback for the Scarlet Knights for a season.

2. Indiana: L, 44-7, to Purdue

Record: (You really wanna know? OK, don't say we didn't warn you...) 2-10, 0-9. Last week: 2.

The Hoosiers started the year with arguably the conference’s best quarterback in Michael Penix Jr. (Remember him?) They finished it with a walk-on, Grant Gremel, starting at quarterback and taking 61 snaps. (Prized freshman Donaven McCulley got the other, rushing 2 yards for a touchdown in the first quarter. What happened to him after that? Maybe he told coach Tom Allen that Helio Castroneves was a better driver than A.J. Foyt. There are some things that just won’t stand in Indiana.)

1. Ohio State: L, 42-27, to Michigan

Record: 10-2, 8-1. Last week: 14.

The Buckeyes struggled all afternoon to stop the Michigan pass rush on the left side, under the watch of tackle Nicholas Petit-Frere, who was flagged twice for holding. Huh, a “Petit Frere” having problems in Ann Arbor? Somebody ask Mike Hart about that.

BIG TEN INSIDER: Michigan and Jim Harbaugh were reborn with win over Ohio State

BIG TEN MISERY INDEX RECAP

WEEK 0: Look out, Michigan and MSU — there's a new team atop the Big Ten

WEEK 1: Why Michigan football's worst loss ever is a little better

WEEK 2: Why Michigan State is still conference's king of Columbus

WEEK 3: Another team has beef with Notre Dame

WEEK 4: Michigan and Michigan State prove 'stats are for losers'

WEEK 5: Michigan made a jump, but can it dim Nebraska's lights?

WEEK 6: Wolverines, Spartans step onto CFP tightrope

WEEK 7: Boiling up chaos for Michigan, Michigan State

WEEK 8: 9 OTs shift the balance of the East

WEEK 9: Need a costume? Try an MSU Heisman finalist, or just go Bo

WEEK 10: Michigan and Michigan State turn back the clock

WEEK 11: Science shows why Jim Harbaugh, James Franklin share pain

WEEK 12: Jim Harbaugh's new pants bring fire to Michigan football

Contact Ryan Ford at rford@freepress.com. Follow him on Twitter @theford.

This article originally appeared on Detroit Free Press: Big Ten football Misery Index: New 'little brother' downed by Michigan