Big Ten football Misery Index: Michigan football, Michigan State prove savvy shoppers

The old saying, ”You get what you pay for” doesn’t come up a lot around college football, mostly because more than a few folks in college football would rather not remind you that the most important parts of the whole game — the players — are not paid at all.

(At least by the schools, or least not more than a stipend that still works out to well below minimum wage.)

Of course, there’s now money in NIL deals, which has resulted in a few skill-position millionaires, a lot of offensive linemen getting paid in food, some weird local ads and, somehow  — using Cash App to buy Dr. Pepper for all the fellas at Nissan’s Heisman House — Alabama’s Bryce Young is everywhere.

But that’s a topic for the SEC football Misery Index (continually topped by Nick Saban, win or lose, until January), and this is the Big Ten football Misery Index.

Which is why it’s a good thing that in Week 2 of the 2022 season, some Big Ten teams, did indeed get what they paid for when it came to patsies … er, “Visiting Teams,” as Indiana’s contract with FCS-level Idaho for a pair of games made sure to state.

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Sure, the Hoosiers sent $1.3 million westward to the Idaho half of the Palouse — did they use Cash App, and if so, does Bryce Young get a cut? — for a 35-22 victory over the Vandals late Saturday night. And sure, they were down 10-0 at the half before, um, storming back in Bloomington for 29 straight points. But scoring 35 in a half is something, even if the last time the Hoosiers did it was last year … against the Vandals. (IU paid UI $1.2 million for last year’s game, a 56-14 romp that was basically the Hoosiers’ high point of 2021. Talk about inflation: An extra 100 grand this year doesn’t even buy a first-half field goal!)

And then there’s Nebraska with another one-score loss — we’d say we’ve lost count, but that would be lying … 22 … 22 one-score losses under Scott Frost since 2018 — at home to Georgia Southern. The 45-42 loss to a member of the Sun Belt Conference (Frost’s second in five seasons) that went 3-9 last season cost the Huskers of Corn $1.423 million. But the sounds of students chanting, “Fire Frost! Fire Frost!”? Priceless. (At least the Huskers should hope so; something tells us they might need to save some pennies between now and Oct. 1, when Frost’s buyout drops from $15 million to $7.5 million.)

Some squads didn’t even pay that much: No. 9 Notre Dame once again showed how much it has in common with the Big Ten by getting unranked Marshall on the cheap — just $1.2 million — then losing, 26-21. (They’re still ineligible for the Misery Index, though.)

On the super-cheap end of the spectrum — why, yes, this is the Rutgers portion of the Index! — the Scarlet Knights actually spent less Saturday to play the Seahawks — $425,000 — than they did on DoorDash last year. Then again — and, truly, we are not making this up — they also had to pay for hotel rooms, three buses, sandwiches and beverages for Wagner’s 29-mile trek to and from Staten Island, New York. (We presume they also covered the tolls.) That's a heckuva delivery fee.

Wisconsin kept it cheap, too; the 19th-ranked Badgers got out of paying, ahem, unranked Washington State completely before their, ahem, 17-14 loss on Saturday. (Everybody in the Big Ten wants to be like Ohio State, and losing as a ranked squad at home to an unranked Pac-12 team is certainly one way to do it. ) At least it was a Power Five loss. Of course, Wiscy has to travel to the Washington portion of the Palouse next season for a game against the Cougars instead; we’ve spent enough time in the Pullman-Moscow Regional Airport — they’re not even pretending to be “International” — to suggest the Badgers might have been better off just cutting a check.

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And finally, we have the two Michigan schools: The Spartans and Wolverines broke the bank to the tune of $3.4 million — $1.5 million and $1.9 million, respectively — to thrash Akron and Hawaii by a combined 108-10 score Saturday. Did they pay a little more than some other Big Ten schools? Well, sure. But to borrow that old chestnut about honest politicians, at least they found a couple of schools that, when they’re bought, stay bought. And Bryce Young didn’t see a dime of it.

At least, we think so. But while we check on that, let’s run through the misery index, from least miserable to most in Week 2:

14. Ohio State: W, 45-12, over Arkansas State

Record: 2-0, 0-0. Last week: 13.

The Buckeyes are also following the “get what you pay for” mantra: $1.8 million this week to the Red Wolves and $1.8 million next week to Toledo. At least the money for the Rockets stays in-state. (What, you wanted a football nugget? C.J. Stroud, still good, found a new receiver with an old name, Marvin Harrison, for three touchdowns. Check back with us in November.)

13. Michigan: W, 56-10, over Hawaii

Record: 2-0, 0-0. Last week: 8.

Not only did Jim Harbaugh officially decide on a quarterback — congrats, J.J.! — but the Wolverines’ most embarrassing loss of the past two decades was knocked down another peg after Appalachian State stunned No. 6 Texas A&M, 17-14, in College Station on Saturday (for $1.5 million, since we know you were wondering). Actually, considering U-M was No. 5 to open 2007, and Lil’ App State was still in the FCS at the time, maybe Saturday’s upset isn’t bigger. But we’re sure all our non-Aggie friends from Texas will set us straight on that.

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12. Purdue: W, 56-0, over Indiana State

Record: 1-1, 0-1. Last week: 5.

We figured the Boilermakers would win this one, though they only shelled out $500,000. But Gene Keady’s defense holding Larry Bird scoreless? Now that’s impressive. (Forget joking about this being a basketball score: The Boilermakers have faced the Sycamores in hoops three times in the past decade, all wins with a total winning margin of 50 points.)

11. Rutgers: W, 66-7, over Wagner

Record: 2-0, 0-0. Last week: 6.

A highly touted QB recruit made his first career sta… wait, did we fall asleep and start writing Michigan’s entry again? Don’t worry, coach Greg Schiano still hasn’t made a decision between freshman Gavin Wimsett and third-year sophomore Evan Simon before next Saturday: “They both did some really good things,” Schiano told reporters. “I think there’s some things that we’ve really got to get better, fast, because time is our enemy right now.”

Time, of course, signed a home-and-home with Rutgers back in 2016.

10. Minnesota: W, 62-10, over Western Illinois

Record: 2-0, 0-0. Last week: T-12.

The Golden Gophers’ “Row The Boat”-ing this week was also on the cheap side: Just $450,000 to the FCS-level Leathernecks of Macomb, Illinois. Plus they saved on gym membership for Goldy Gopher, who did 353 pushups in all Saturday, thanks to Minnesota’s highest point total since beating Indiana, 63-9, on Nov. 4, 2006. (That one was free.)

9. Penn State: W, 46-10, over Ohio

Record: 2-0, 1-0. Last week: 9.

The Nittany Lions have now beaten Mid-American Conference foes 11 straight times since their last loss to a MAC squad: Ohio, 24-14, on Sept. 1, 2012. And no, Sean Clifford wasn’t PSU’s starter then, either. (We checked.)

8. Michigan State: W, 52-0, over Akron

Record: 2-0, 0-0. Last week: 7.

The Spartans’ last visit to Seattle came in 1970, when the Huskies were a member of the then-Pac-8. Then again, by the time MSU gets out there again, they could be in the Pac-6.

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7. Maryland: W, 56-21, over Charlotte

Record: 2-0, 0-0. Last week: 4.

The Terps’ first four drives all ended in touchdowns and took five plays or less, while covering 110, 30, 47 and 90 seconds of clock.

Maryland’s offense in action:

6. Illinois: W, 24-3, over Virginia

Record: 2-1, 0-1. Last week: 3.

The “Illini” wore blue and orange uniforms with white highlights, while the “Cavaliers” wore white uniforms with blue and orange highlights; we’re still half-convinced Virginia’s flight was canceled and Illinois coach Bret Bielema just threw together a scrimmage without telling anyone, especially after this quote: “Obviously, they’ve got new coaches and everything, but the majority of a lot of their players were there, some of ours are back and I wanted to see where we are as a program.”

5. Northwestern: L, 31-23, to Duke

Record: 1-1, 1-0. Last week: 10.

The Wildcats have now lost four straight to the Blue Devils, which feels like something we’d normally be saying during the ACC/Big Ten Challenge in November. (Actually, Northwestern is 0-7 all-time in hoops against Duke.)

4. Indiana: W, 35-22, over Idaho

Record: 2-0, 1-0. Last week: 14.

After spending so much to play Idaho the past two seasons, you wouldn’t think the Hoosiers would have any money to buy a vowel, and yet, there were those 2021 jerseys and these proud fans who resurrected the goof last week.

3. Wisconsin: L, 17-14, to Washington State

Record: 1-1, 0-0. Last week: T-12.

Saturday was Wisconsin’s 60th nonconference game at Camp Randall Stadium since the start of the 2000 season. Of those, they’re 2-2 against the Cougars (1-1 each against BYU and Wazzu) and 54-2 against everyone else. Guess Houston shouldn’t wait for an invite.

2. Nebraska: L, 45-42, to Georgia Southern

Record: 1-2, 0-1. Last week: 1.

The Huskers of Corn are running out of directions to turn — literally, with losses to Northwestern and Georgia Southern and a win over North Dakota that felt like anything but. Next up, Oklahoma, which is Southeastern (Conference)-bound, but not for a few years.

1. Iowa: L, 10-7, to Iowa State

Record: 1-1, 0-0. Last week: 2.

No paycheck here, since it’s an in-state rivalry; maybe the two squads could save up for a better Cy-Hawk trophy. Anyway, after getting to seven points the hard way — two safeties and a field goal — last week against South Dakota State, the Hawkeyes broke through Saturday with a touchdown on their opening drive. We’ll let Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz take us home by saying the quiet part loud, as it were: “From there, things didn’t work so well, obviously. … We’re not going to win moving forward scoring points like that.”

2022 BIG TEN MISERY INDEX

WEEK 0:Michigan puts off the pain at least till Week 3

WEEK 1:The gospel of Michigan QB requirements

Contact Ryan Ford at rford@freepress.com. Follow him on Twitter @theford.

This article originally appeared on Detroit Free Press: Big Ten football Misery Index: Michigan football, MSU cut the checks