The matches to watch after you realize Catania's 3-1 win over Inter on Friday means AC Milan are just four points back with a game in hand. And that Jose Mourinho is not someone you want to be around right now.

Saturday

Chelsea v West Ham at Stamford Bridge -- Gianfranco Zola visits his old club in this lovely London derby. He's out to get 10 more points this season, while Chelsea are dealing with a number of injuries that leave them with their third choice goalkeeper in the starting XI. And since I'm pretty sure we're under the quota this week: JT and Wayne Bridge, JT and Wayne Bridge! Come on, Chels!!

Hull v Arsenal at Kingston Communications Stadium -- Jimmy Bullard does goofy shampoo ads and fights with his teammates in public parks. Oh, and Arsenal are in a title hunt or something. 

Monaco v Bordeaux at Stade Louis II and Montpellier v Auxerre at Stade de la Mosson -- Ligue 1 is incredibly tight right now and these two fixtures could prove massive. Defending champs Brodeaux and Montpellier are both on 52 points and though the challengers have the tougher opponent here in third place Auxerre (who are just one point back), Monaco could prove to be the saboteur in all this. Because they're a principality. And principalities are sneaky like that.

After the jump, Sunday's matches and our expectedly unexpected video...

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Things aren't going so hot for Italian prime minister and AC Milan owner Silvio Berlusconi. When he's not getting smashed in the face with mini duomos, being mocked by Marco Materazzi, or watching his team crash out of the Champions League, he has to deal with Milan fans getting all bent out of shape over his crappy, poorly timed jokes. 

From Goal:

According to Gazzetta, he joked, "The other day a Milan fan told me, 'I am crying for Milan' I replied, ‘Yes, I’m crying too but I’m also the one putting up the money.'"

Yeah, that wasn't such a great quip, Silvo. When fans are already upset and thinking you haven't invested enough in the side, it's probably best not to complain about the money -- especially after selling Kaka for as much as you did. People have gotten hit in the face with a duomo for less.  

Photo: Reuters

Seriously. He wants to eat it. 

There are lots of ways people come to terms with male pattern baldness. Some wear toupees, others go with a combover, and still others shave it all off and pretend they're from the future. Wayne Rooney, meanwhile, is using it to score a buttload of goals. Each of his last seven goals have been scored off headers and he thinks he knows why.

“I’m still working on my heading.

“But probably the goals are all coming off my bald patch! That’s helping me to score."

Uh, OK, Wayne. That's an interesting theory. You're going to have a lot of irate mothers after you when kids everywhere shave bald spots into their heads to improve their goal scoring, though.

Photo: Getty Images

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. LAUGHING IN THE RAIN -- WHATEVER JUST HAPPENED WAS REALLY FUNNY BUT WHY IS IT RAINING?!?!?!?! AHHHHHHH IT SHOULDN'T RAIN WHEN I LAUGH!!!! I EXPECT ONLY SUNSHINE AND DANCING MONKEYS WHEN HAPPY SOUNDS COME OUT OF MY MOUTH HOLE!!!!!! STUPID RAIN!!!! YOU'RE GETTING ME ALL WET AND YOU CAN'T FEEL THE PAIN OF MY DROPKICKS!!!!!!

2. FIFA REJECTING TECHNOLOGY -- I ADMIT THAT TECHNOLOGY FRIGHTENS ME TO THE POINT WHERE I PUT MY IPOD IN THE OVEN BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT BUT THIS IS AWFUL!!!!!!! IF THERE WAS GOAL LINE TECHNOLOGY IN THE GAME I PROBABLY WOULD WANT TO TOILET PAPER THE HOUSES OF  ONE THIRD FEWER LINESMEN!!!!!!!! AHHHHH I'M STARTING TO RUN OUT OF TOILET PAPER!!!!!!

3. ANDREI ARSHAVIN'S Q&A -- OHMYGOD YOU ARE SUCH A FREAKY LITTLE MUNCHKIN THAT I AM ACTUALLY CONSIDERING MOVING TO ANOTHER CONTINENT JUST TO GET AWAY FROM YOU!!!!!!! ALSO WHEN YOU SING IT GIVES ME NIGHTMARES WHILE I'M AWAKE!!!!!! IF YOU EVER COME NEAR ME I WILL THROW SPOONS AT YOU UNTIL YOU GO AWAY!!!!!!

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Argentina's Gustavo Dezotti gets sent off in the 87th minute of the 1990 World Cup final for forgetting that he's not a rugby player and Maradona gets a yellow for arguing the call. West Germany went on to win 1-0 and Argentina earned the first two sendings off in a World Cup final. So they were kind of both winners. Except not. 

On Wednesday, the U.S. women's under-17 team defeated Haiti 9-0 in their first qualifying match for the CONCACAF U-17 Women's Championships in Costa Rica. Once the final whistle blew, Haitian goalkeeper Alexandra Coby was so overwhelmed with emotion that she dropped to the pitch, weeping. It was all just too much for her and understandably so -- losing by such a harsh margin, even to a much better team, is always difficult to take, but given that Haiti is in the midst of trying to recover from the devastating earthquake that ravaged the Caribbean nation's capital two months ago and left hundreds of thousands of people dead, there was much more saddling these girls than just a lost game.

And the U.S. team saw that. As Haiti's coach helped the crying goalkeeper to her feet, U.S. goalie Bryane Heaberlin walked the length of the pitch, gave Coby a hug and didn't let go. The rest of the U.S. team soon joined her, circling around the two goalkeepers for a long group hug that left the entire squad in tears.

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When we last left the blood feud between Blackburn manager Sam Allardyce and Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez, Benitez was piling on the sarcasm like lunch meat on a giant sandwich after beating the Rovers two weeks ago. In case you've filled your brain with things that are actually important in the time since, here's what Rafa said:

"I think he's a model for managers all around the world. I am sure his style of football, his behavior - everything. It's the perfect model for all the kids.

"The style of football - I am sure Barcelona are thinking about copying the style."

Well, it took Sam a while to respond -- probably because he first had to smash every item in his house and then calm down enough to develop a semi-rational comeback -- but he finally did and laid it out about as bluntly as you would expect:

"He's got personal with it for many, many years now. That's why I don't like him and the feeling is probably mutual. I don't get personal with him; I get into him and under his skin, yes, but that's all part of the game. The tit for tat will probably go on until one of us is no longer a Premier League manager."

So we've got that to look forward to. Which is, uh, kind of annoying. But the good news is that at least one of these two men might not be a Premier League manager much longer. With Liverpool continuing to lose games they really shouldn't lose, Rafa appears set for a summer sacking and Real Madrid just might be waiting to pick him up. 

As for Rafa's response to Sam's response, it merciful:

"No comment. No publicity for him."

Right. Because Premier League managers have such a hard time getting publicity on their own. 

Photo: AP

Driver: OK -- the Bernabeu, we're here. That'll be 18.50

Kaka: Great! Hmm. Do you have change for eight million euros?

Driver: Uh...no.

Kaka: Oh poop. Hold on. 

I really don't know what's more shocking about this video -- the fact that Kaka took a taxi to Real Madrid's Champions League loss to Lyon on Wednesday or the fact that he had to borrow money from Mahamadou Diarra to pay the driver. I mean, that's Kaka -- one of the most well paid footballers on the planet -- taking a common taxi cab (not a limousine, a taxi) to a Champions League match and then having to borrow change from a teammate to pay for it. That's just...wow. 

It is kind of awesome, though. 

Video via Kaka online 

Oh dear. We all knew this season wasn't exactly one of Liverpool's best ever, but now they're showing that even the lowly Europa League is struggle for them. Perhaps they underestimated their opponent, the wilty-sounding Lille, who are sixth in Ligue 1 and outplayed Liverpool in the first leg of their round of 16 tie enough to deserve the 1-0 win. Even though they scored on a free kick that didn't look like it was meant to be a shot.

So now Liverpool find themselves with another headache in a never-ending season of interfering beach balls, losses, murky guarantees, more losses, Champions League disappointment, attempts to sell tickets to matches they didn't play, and awful, awful owners it might be time to just call the last few months off and take a nice long nap. 

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle...

Newsreel footage about a proposed ban of women's football that later went into effect and lasted until 1971. [Guardian]

Real Madrid want Jose Mourinho. No way that would go well. [The Spoiler]

Didier Drogba wins African Footballer of the Year. [Sky Sports]

Kaka's advisor calls Pellegrini a coward via Twitter. [Unprofessional Foul]

The Premier League, La Liga, and Serie A to raise awareness for (RED) this weekend with special balls. [Original Winger]

World Cup Moments: The Miracle of Bern. [World Cup Blog]

MLS players are dumb enough to go on strike. [Soccer Insider]

Footballers like blondes. Who aren't their wives. [Kickette]

World Cup mascot dolls made in sweatshops. Of course. [Reuters]

Bendtner better than Thierry Henry? Uh, what? [Caught Offside]

You are the president of a World Cup qualified football association. [MFUSA]

"Infamous pranksters" infiltrated England's team hotel. [Daily Mail]

Speaking of which, don't search "England buggered." Ever. [Studs Up]