Roberto Carlos scored his first goal -- which proved to be the winner -- for Corinthians in their 2-1 win over Santo Andre on Sunday. The man is 36 years old, but apparently he can still fire bullets into the top corner when he wants to. It's a good thing the keeper didn't get a hand on that one because it would have disintegrated on contact. 

It's been a while since we've been able to have a laugh at Newcastle's expense. They're top of the table in the Championship, look set to gain promotion, and even Joey Barton seems to be on his best behavior. But none of that can stop us from enjoying a comical tale about the Geordies' failure in assessing the talent of a young Zinedine Zidane as told by agent Barry Silkman to Sport.co.uk:

“I have missed out on players. I suppose the biggest player I missed out on was Zinedine Zidane.

“I offered him to Newcastle at the beginning of the 1996 season for £1.2million. And they watched him and said that he wasn’t good enough to play in the First Division which is the Championship now.

“Three months later he went to Juventus for £1.2million and two years later he went for £48million. So I think the people at Newcastle got it slightly wrong.”

Oh, Newcastle!

(Side note: Silkman is actually wrong about Zidane's then record transfer being just two years later. He actually went to Real Madrid in 2001. He did win the Ballon D'or in 1998, though, which is an equally hilarious point of reference.)

Arsenal's Theo Walcott had his 21st birthday party over the weekend. This is worth a post because that monstrosity to the left was his cake. Look at that thing.

It's a fairly unstable-looking cake castle with a moat and a fire-breathing dragon and a li'l Theo, dressed in a suit of armor, standing on it like Captain Morgan. In other words, it might be the greatest birthday cake ever. 

Even more fantastic than the cake, though, was the fact that he had teammate Andrei Arshavin in attendance. Forget being fabulously wealthy while barely into his 20s and having endless potential as a footballer, Theo Walcott wins at life simply for getting that cake and not one, but two Arshavins at his party.

For more pictures, including those of the very questionable three-button collared shirt and overly ripped jean choices, check here.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me all sweaty and rubbing my crotch into the ground. ... Yes, I do this quite a lot, even when you're not around. But this time I'm doing it to celebrate my essentially meaningless goal for Manchester United. I play for them, you know ...

I scored in the 89th minute -- which I like to call "sexy time" -- when we were already beating Fulham 2-0. Which means my goal made it 3-0 and wasn't very important. Ha-HA! I say we go out to celebrate my wonderful contribution to the team. Do you have any preferences on where go? ... No, no. We can't go "nowhere." That's not an actual place where we can gaze into each other's eyes and fondle each other's toenails. Trust me, I've check Google Maps. Although, if you mean we should just go back to my place in the woods, then ... OK, please stop gagging.

Well, if you're just not interested, then I suppose my cousin Timitar Berbatov and I will just have to celebrate alone. With jars of butter. And miniature robot toys. And a shower massager. So try not to be too jealous. Ha-HA!

Oh-OHHH! I've got a grass stain on my shorts! Get it out before it sets! Get it out before it sets!

Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of ... The Continental ...

Photo: Getty Images

Aaron Ramsey might want to cover his eyes for this one.

With his side up 2-0 in the 89th minute on Saturday, Roda JC Kerkrade's Anouar Hadouir went in with an atrocious challenge on NEC Nigmegen's Niels Wellenberg, which snapped his victim's ankle and earned him a red card. 

With any luck, Hadouir will be smacked with the Eredivisie's banhammer for that one.

When Lazio striker Mauro Zarate was handed a two-match ban for swearing at the referee during a match against Genoa two weeks ago, the club's Curva Nord Ultras group invited him to join them in the stands at the Stadio Olimpico and cheer on his teammates from there. Well, as Lazio hosted Bari on Sunday, Zarate passed up on sitting in a cushy executive suite like most footballers would opt for and instead accepted the invitation of the fans. 

Lazio ended up losing 2-0, but Zarate got vocal with his support, even climbing up and straddling the barrier between the stands and the pitch just like the real ultras do. Another picture right this way...

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The one thing more important than all else for David Beckham -- playing in this summer's World Cup -- looks like it won't be happening after he tore his Achilles' tendon all on his own during AC Milan's 1-0 win over Chievo Verona on Sunday. The early reports are that Beckham will be out for at least six months, which ends any chance of him going to South Africa.

It's hard not to feel bad for the guy. He did everything he possibly could to get himself on England's World Cup squad, with the loan spells at Milan and traveling wherever necessary to get every England cap he could, and just when it seemed that Fabio Capello had warmed to the idea of including him, this happens. 

And as if the injury wasn't bad enough, he also took a boot to the face earlier in the same match. I think March 14 now has the inside track on being David Beckham's least favorite day of 2010. 

It's been an awful season for Hertha Berlin. A year after finishing fourth in the Bundesliga and missing out on the Champions League by a couple of points, Hertha now find themselves in last place with just three wins all season. So with their fans already on edge as the club looks set for relegation, Saturday's injury time loss to Nurnberg proved to be the breaking point for 100 supporters who decided to invade the pitch and destroy whatever they could in Berlin's Olympiastadion (which hosted the 2006 World Cup final).

Four police officers were injured as 30 arrests were made and both teams had to retreat into their dressing rooms to avoid the irate mob charging their way. And if wrecking their own stadium wasn't dumb enough as it is, those smashy Hertha fans might end up doing even more damage to their club if the DFB's investigation into the matter results in costly sanctions. So congrats to those guys on carrying out a great idea. 

The matches to watch after you realize Catania's 3-1 win over Inter on Friday means AC Milan are just four points back with a game in hand. And that Jose Mourinho is not someone you want to be around right now.

Saturday

Chelsea v West Ham at Stamford Bridge -- Gianfranco Zola visits his old club in this lovely London derby. He's out to get 10 more points this season, while Chelsea are dealing with a number of injuries that leave them with their third choice goalkeeper in the starting XI. And since I'm pretty sure we're under the quota this week: JT and Wayne Bridge, JT and Wayne Bridge! Come on, Chels!!

Hull v Arsenal at Kingston Communications Stadium -- Jimmy Bullard does goofy shampoo ads and fights with his teammates in public parks. Oh, and Arsenal are in a title hunt or something. 

Monaco v Bordeaux at Stade Louis II and Montpellier v Auxerre at Stade de la Mosson -- Ligue 1 is incredibly tight right now and these two fixtures could prove massive. Defending champs Brodeaux and Montpellier are both on 52 points and though the challengers have the tougher opponent here in third place Auxerre (who are just one point back), Monaco could prove to be the saboteur in all this. Because they're a principality. And principalities are sneaky like that.

After the jump, Sunday's matches and our expectedly unexpected video...

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Things aren't going so hot for Italian prime minister and AC Milan owner Silvio Berlusconi. When he's not getting smashed in the face with mini duomos, being mocked by Marco Materazzi, or watching his team crash out of the Champions League, he has to deal with Milan fans getting all bent out of shape over his crappy, poorly timed jokes. 

From Goal:

According to Gazzetta, he joked, "The other day a Milan fan told me, 'I am crying for Milan' I replied, ‘Yes, I’m crying too but I’m also the one putting up the money.'"

Yeah, that wasn't such a great quip, Silvo. When fans are already upset and thinking you haven't invested enough in the side, it's probably best not to complain about the money -- especially after selling Kaka for as much as you did. People have gotten hit in the face with a duomo for less.  

Photo: Reuters