All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award-winning Dirty Tackle...

Sunderland manager Steve Bruce claims he didn't know Asamoah Gyan (a.k.a. Baby Jet) was the world's next titan of music, but I think that's a big reason why he was worth £13 million to them. [Daily Mail]

The endless infinitude of the MLS regular season. [AMSL]

Uh, Guti might have to be our new...The Continental. [Kickette]

How the Beckhams fake intimacy for the camera. [Jezebel]

Prostitute's career in tatters after shame of sleeping with Rooney. [The Gaffer]

RBS considers Liverpool loans a "toxic asset." [Guardian]

FIFA's fatuous fact-finding trips. [When Saturday Comes]

Australian footballer had to remove sexy pictures of herself from Facebook after a mother complained. Anyone have the pics or know who the puritanical mother is? [Unprofessional Foul]

It's becoming increasingly obvious that Harry Redknapp wants the England job. [Independent]

Atletico Madrid pajamas. F*** YEAH! [AS]

How to act when a club director is reading your message board. [Studs Up]

Neymar and Ganso with President Fonzi.

Pull your hair out of your head and scream, because these are exciting times for Santos. They have some of the best young talent in Brazil, they've already won the Campeonato Paulista and are 10 points behind Fluminense with two games in hand in the Brasileiro. Though they've lost loan superstar Robinho, they managed to retain Neymar from the wealthy advances of Chelsea, added Keirrison on loan from Barcelona and also have recently capped Ganso to form an extremely young nucleus that apparently has fans going crazy.

Santos manager Dorival Junior explains to FIFA.com how it's all become a bit like A Hard Day's Night, but with Pele wandering around in the background:

What is the hardest thing about coaching such a big team?
The day-to-day stuff, without a doubt. The kids have made such a big impact that they’re celebrities now. It’s like Beatlemania wherever we go and it’s all happened so quickly too. It’s natural, then, that they start behaving differently. On top of all that young people in Brazil act differently these days, and you have to understand that and adapt to it. There’s changes going on all the time. I try to teach them but at the same time I’m learning too.

I'm not sure what he means when he says that young people in Brazil act differently now, but I think it probably has something to do with Neymar's haircut. 

This is really just the beginning for this group, though. If Santos can continue to fend off richer European clubs for their budding talents and they begin to dazzle with the national team, this group could soon experience that Beatlemania on a more international scale (imagine that -- Brazilian players gaining international acclaim for a Brazilian club). Brace for the shrieks. 

Photo: Getty Images

Mario Balotelli is in Pavia, Italy, where he underwent knee surgery on Thursday. Already on his trip back home, he's had AC Milan vice president Adriano Galliani sending him message of well wishes and expressing his desire to sign the 20-year-old who played just one match for Man City before getting injured. And now, Balotelli is showing just how much loyalty he has for his new team with his troublesome sense of humor.

From Football Italia:

First the former Inter hitman sang the Milan anthem out of the window, then leaned out and shouted ‘Forza Milan!’

“As a child he was a Milan supporter,” explained Galliani. “This morning I sent him a text message wishing him good luck, seeing as he’s one of our fans.

“Now that’s enough, otherwise we’ll create a diplomatic incident! At the very least I’d like to avoid causing trouble for Manchester City.”

Yes, and publicly stating your interest in him and reminding everyone that he's a fan of your club is sure to avoid that. 

Of course, this isn't the first time Balotelli has shown off his interest in AC Milan. Last season, he angered Inter fans by wearing a Rossoneri shirt on television (and doing/not doing a lot of other things that they didn't like).

So enjoy him while you have him, Man City fans. And don't be surprised if he's pouting and demanding a transfer before the calendar changes. 

Raymond Domenech

This disheveled hobo look is definitely working for me. ... I should have thought of this sooner. ... If I wore shirts I found in the medical waste bin behind the hospital while I was still a manager, the players probably would have respected me more. ... Stupid players. ... I hope Anelka has something bad happen to him. ... Like realizing that he's a distant cousin of mine. ... Sleeping while I eat is a good idea. ... Why didn't I think of all this stuff before? I could have saved so much time if I just dozed off with a mouthful of sandwich. ... The French federation doesn't know what they're missing. ... No one else has ideas like me. ... I think I should put a turtle in my pants...

Read More »

(Skip ahead to about 1:50 into the video for when things go haywire.)

An S.League match between Singapore's Young Lions and China's Beijing Guoan reserve team had to be abandoned with the score at 1-1 in the 80th minute after it degenerated into an all-out kick fight. I mean, there were a few punches thrown, but it looked more like an old Nintendo 64 fighting game where everyone just does the same move over and over (flying kick!).

Young Lions' captain has since apologized for the violent mess vowed that the team will enroll in ultimate fighting classes.

That last part may not be true. 

Video via The Offside

"I put human hair in this."

Legendary prankster Franck Ribery is still on his crusade to make people forget about his underage prostitute business and put smiles on their faces. This time, he used an unwitting Edson Braafheid to try and make their teammates chuckle about something other than underage prostitute jokes.

According to Bild, Braafheid momentarily abandoned his food during a team meal on Tuesday and, from two tables away, Ribery pounced, using a pepper shaker on Braafheid's apple juice. He then shook it up and returned to his seat, leaving the Dutch defender with a decidedly unrefreshing concoction.

Between this and his bunny ears on picture day, I do think he might be getting his pranks from a book written by an 8-year-old, though. 

Photo: Reuters

In the wake of revelations about Wayne Rooney's extra-marital shenanigans, everyone and their hookers have been tripping over themselves to make the many, many easy jokes about the matter. Even Prime Minister David Cameron attempted to prove his cultural relevance with a bad crack of his own at a Gentlemen's Quarterly event. Watch as he delivers this clever, clever, chestnut (20 seconds into the video)...

Read More »

Aston Villa have named Gerard Houllier (and not Bob Bradley) their new manager. At least some fans of the club apparently weren't happy with the possibility of this happening and vented those feelings on the abysses of endless banter that are Internet message boards. Luckily, Villa director General Charles C. Krulak, former Commandant of the United States Marine Corps, was trawlin' the boards and jumped to the former Liverpool manager's defense.

From Soccernet:

"Whatever anyone thinks of him, he deserves respect from the fans of this club," The Times quotes Krulak as writing on a fans' message board. "He has a fine record with multiple clubs and deserves better for the amount of effort he has put into his chosen career than to be ridiculed by AVFC.

"And that is just one person, who has been taken apart on the three sites I post on. We are bigger than that. As I have said many times, we can disagree all we want, but we should do it respectfully.

"It makes little sense to me to pick out one or two candidates and run threads on how much we don't want them or how bad they would be for the club. Any manager worth his salt is going to do some due diligence on the club and that would probably include reading up on the fans and the type of support they might receive."

Well, apparently Houllier either didn't do that due diligence or simply doesn't care what they say about him on Internet fan forums. Either way, this proves once and for all how awesome the Internet is. How else could an average fan get called out for dissing a managerial candidate for their favorite club by a former Commandant of the United States Marine Corps? 

Photo: AP

Mexico played Colombia in a friendly on Tuesday and Elias Hernandez delighted the crowd at the Estadio Universitario with an 89th minute winner. In fact, one fan was so delighted that he joyously tossed his beer in the air, which gravity promptly dumped back down on an unsuspecting person a few seats away. Did the suddenly wet person get angry? Did the beer tosser realize what he did? Is a win in a friendly really worth losing an expensive stadium beer over? I'm afraid we'll never know. But that's also part of the beauty of it. 

A few replays of the incident (plus background giggling) right this way...

Read More »

If you had any fears of Real Madrid not making any money, you may now worry about more important things like how much Cristal Jay-Z can drink or what type of books a literate giraffe would read. According to the AFP, Real has announced revenues of €442.3 million for last season, which they claim are the highest "of any sports institution in the world." Though recent transfer dealings certainly eat up a big chunk of that money, here are some other things they're putting it towards.

-Hiring people to ring the doorbell at Pep Guardiola's house and then run away before he can answer it. 

-Creating a team of employees who follow Jose Mourinho around every day and reassure him that Rafa Benitez is "a big sack of dumb." 

-Financing Iker Casillas tear collectors. 

-Weekly reminders that Gago is still on the team. 

-Paying hobos to scavenge for working body parts for Kaka.

-Funding Cristiano Ronaldo's "impregnation expeditions" so that Real can one day feature an entire starting XI comprised solely of his offspring.

-Daily buffings of Zidane's head to keep it shiny and always ready for a possible comeback as a player. Also, so Ronaldo can use it as a mirror.

-Genetically engineering Paul the octopus to live forever, always predict Real victories and mercilessly kill Lionel Messi with his impossibly strong tentacles of doom. 

-And, of course, providing club president Florentino Perez's favorite breakfast cereal, Eur-O's. It's not at all nutritious, nor is it necessarily the breakfast of champions, but it satisfies the cravings of any ridiculously wealthy person who literally wants to eat money.