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Insanitarium: His name is WEINER. LOL. That's friggin' hysterical! Hey, I know some jokes, too... Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? Answers.......... BARACK OBAMA: Let me be clear, the chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change! Real change! Change he could believe in! HILLARY CLINTON: When I was Secretary of State, I travelled that road thousands of times and I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road each time. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure, right from Day One, that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me. DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens. It will be tremendous, this I can tell you. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here. DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun? COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. AL GORE: I invented the chicken. AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens. DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone. JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side.’ That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that. GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it’s lifelong dream of crossing the road. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2013, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2013. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Athletes rarely say goodbye on their own terms. The farewell usually involves mitigating circumstances: A mangled knee for a football player. An arm that has lost velocity for a pitcher. The slow-step separation between a bad NBA player and a great one. Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s kryptonite is his head. It is fuzzy, and certainly not sharp enough to weave through traffic at speeds that approach 200 miles an hour on NASCAR's superspeedways. He's missed six races already with concussion-related symptoms. He will miss one more this weekend at Darlington. His chances of qualifying for the Chase are toast, needing a win at Richmond on Sept. 10 before the cutoff. With no championship to chase, practical
Do you support Kaepernick's right to sit during the anthem? On Sunday afternoon Kaepernick had what observers thought was the longest press briefing with Niners’ media of his five-year career—18-and-a-half minutes—to double-down on the statements he made to Steve Wyche of NFL Media on Friday night. Kaepernick will continue to sit during the national anthem, as his protest of the way blacks are treated in America, even if it costs him dearly as an NFL player.
Fowler led The Barclays after 54 holes and was on the verge of locking up a top-eight automatic qualifying spot for the Ryder Cup on his own, but a disastrous back nine at Bethpage Black keeps him on the outside looking in.
With a little over a month to go in the regular season, the Texas Rangers have put themselves in exceptional shape to compete for a World Series title. At 77-54, the club holds an 8.5 game lead in the American League West, and midseason additions of Jonathan Lucroy and Carlos Beltran have strengthened an already solid lineup. The benefit of bringing in a 19-year veteran like Beltran is that he can find a way to inspire his teammates even when he’s not in the lineup.
What can be said for the Capitals 1993-94 team calendar that hasn’t already been said about a JCPenney’s catalog from the 1990s? Rather than just go with the usual in-game action shot (or more recently snuggling up to dogs), the Caps took a hard-left when it came to the calendar and put the players in forced comfortable setting, like when you’re at a family reunion trying to care about the story of your third cousin’s Lasik surgery. While I don’t doubt the Caps went out and about to places in Baltimore and DC to spend their off-days, I do know for a fact Randy Burridge does hang out on above the right field scoreboard at Camden Yards as that was his assigned section for selling peanuts on game nights.
Shaq’s son, Shareef O’Neal, and Jason Williams’ son, Jaxon Williams, played basketball together, along with other high school ballers Nassir Little and Ronaldo Segu. Home Team Hoops was there at Shaq’s house to put together a video of the session. Shareef got in some monster dunks on Jaxon, and Jaxon pulled some moves as slick as his dad’s on Shareef. All four of the players were smiling throughout the video — four talented ballplayers in one gym is fun!
• Brad Keselowski finished third in Sunday’s race at Michigan. Afterwards, his car failed the laser inspection station during NASCAR’s post-race inspection. If the Chase started this week he’d be tied for the top seed with Kyle Busch.
NBA players have always chafed at either perceived or legitimate inequalities in yearly payroll. Wall is about to enter the third year of a five-year, $80 million (then-“maximum”) contract extension he signed in 2013.
Fiji has ramped up overtures to sevens coach Ben Ryan giving him land and a chiefly title to keep the popular Englishman in the South Pacific island nation. Ryan has become the most venerated person in Fiji since guiding them to their first Olympic medal when they won the sevens gold in Rio earlier this month.
San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick is under a lot of scrutiny and pressure after sitting for the national anthem as part of a political statement. Philadelphia Eagles rookie linebacker Myke Tavarres might share Kaepernick’s feelings on how black people are treated in the United States, and he said he wanted to join in the protest, but his agent talked him out of sitting down like Kaepernick. Tavarres, who was undrafted out of Incarnate Word but most Eagles writers have said has a shot at the 53-man roster, initially said on Monday he’d join the protest and sit during the national anthem.
Phil Jackson predicted the playoffs for the Knicks in 2014-15, and he’s again drumming up postseason buzz for 2016-17. Between, he was much more cautious. The Knicks president didn’t make any bold proclamations entering last season. But, somewhat after
One young Los Angeles Angels fan cried tears of joy after getting an autograph from superstar outfielder Mike Trout. Trout is out before the start of Sunday’s game signing autographs for some young fans. It’s tough to know exactly what the kid says to Trout, but strong lip readers at home can make out the phrase “my favorite player.” After getting his ball signed, the kid triumphantly raises his hands as he runs over and embraces his dad.
The battle of the brands has begun, and only Tiger Woods can stop it. According to Woods's longtime friend Notah Begay, a bevy of golf equipment manufacturers have flooded the 14-time major winner's Jupiter, Florida home with their products, all of them vying to fill the void left by Nike's exit from the golf equipment business.
Ken Rosenthal of FOX Sports reports that the Dodgers placed outfielder Yasiel Puig on trade waivers on Sunday. Wednesday, August 31 is the final day for teams to acquire players via waivers and make their new player(s) eligible for inclusion on the postseason roster. Puig, 25, has had a tumultuous season with the Dodgers. He’s hit a meager .260/.320/.386 with seven home runs and 34 RBI over 303 plate appearances and has spent most of the month with Triple-A Oklahoma City. Shortly after being sent to the minors, Puig celebrated a victory with his teammates which included some lascivious language, and Puig broadcast it on Snapchat, which the Dodgers did not particularly enjoy. Since then, the club
Max Verstappen has blamed Ferrari drivers Kimi Raikkonen and Sebastian Vettel for ending his hopes of a podium finish in Sunday’s Belgian Grand Prix, saying his race was “destroyed” at Turn 1. The race at Spa-Francorchamps acted as Verstappen’s home event as tens of thousands of fans made the trip over from his native Netherlands, resulting in the circuit’s best raceday attendance in over a decade. Verstappen made a slow start from second place on the grid, slipping behind Raikkonen on the run down to the first corner. The Dutchman tried to dive down the inside of Raikkonen at La Source, only for the two to make contact and also tangle with Vettel on the outside. The collision left Verstappen
Any arrests, transfers, flunk-outs or NCAA issues you have read about are blown out of proportion. Alabama has recovered from both to reach the College Football Playoff – and won it all last year – but significant emotional distress was visited upon the Tide faithful by the program’s first back-to-back losses to Ole Miss ever.
Jamal Crawford went crazy at the Seattle Pro-Am again. The 36-year-old NBA vet sent one defender flying to the floor, and he made another angry as he shook him with a fake behind-the-back crossover. Ballislife shared clips of the two slick moves. Here’s the behind-the-back fake. It appears that the guy on defense was convinced Crawford carried the ball over or did something illegal. It looked fine to me — in fact, it looked awesome. They don’t call him J. Crossover for nothing. Here’s the stop and fake that sent a defender sliding. Notice how Crawford looks back at the man on the floor, pulls up for a jumper, then gets the and-one. It’s too easy. If you still want to see more highlights, you’re
Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman, who has found himself in spotlights both favorable and harsh for things he has done and said during his NFL career, said Monday he appreciates the message Colin Kaepernick was trying to send by not standing for the National Anthem Friday but that the 49ers quarterback “could have picked a better platform.” That was hardly all Sherman said on the topic, though, as he was typically thoughtful when he addressed the topic when asked during his regular weekly meeting with the media on Monday. In fact, it’s probably best to just pass along all of what Sherman said so the context and nuance is not lost (you can also view Sherman’s answer in the video above,
Get ready for some bonus Wednesday preseason football. Instead of having all 16 games this week on Thursday, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers announced their preseason finale against the Washington Redskins has been rescheduled for Wednesday. What about the folks who were anticipating … oh, I can’t do it anymore — nobody cares about the fourth preseason game.
Jason Terry has talked about reaching out to multiple teams, including contenders, during free agency before settling on the Milwaukee Bucks. When he talked about why the Bucks, he spoke of believing in what Jason Kidd was building. There may have been another reason: Minutes. From Gery Woelfel of the Racine Journal Times: Some NBA officials contend he signed with Milwaukee and rejected overtures from a handful of teams, including the reigning NBA champion Cleveland Cavaliers, because of potential playing time. “He wants his minutes,’’ said an NBA executive, whose team had shown some interest in signing Terry. “He didn’t go there (Milwaukee) to sit on the bench.’’ Terry’s agent denied this, saying
EA Sports released top player rankings for NHL 17 about a week ago, but it isn’t too late to needlessly argue about them. The top 50 overall ratings is probably the best place to start, but EA also shared top 10 lists for centers, defensemen, goalies, left wings and right wings. Now, it’s important not to take this stuff too seriously. There are plenty of things to cool down any diehards who feel like Their Guy was disrespected, but do note that ratings sometimes get tweaked. Still, there are some fun observations and debates that can come from pouring through these rankings, especially if you’re … well, bored. Shea Weber vs. P.K. Subban Did Michel Therrien and Marc Bergevin chime in on the debate?
Keith Schlosser, SNY.TV Twitter | Archive Though the New York Knicks look to be much improved on paper following a solid offseason, it's worth recognizing that chemistry takes time to develop. With so many new and/or moving pieces coming together, the team will need to put the work in to get to know one another, both on and off the court, to be successful. Carmelo Anthony, Willy Hernangomez and Mindaugas Kuzminskas are all fresh off the Olympics. They all deserve time to recuperate before even thinking about early team meetings and workouts. But a good chunk of the rest of the squad has gotten a head start on building some of that necessary familiarity and camaraderie with one another. Obviously