Ball Don't Lie - NBA

The BDL NBA Power Rankings combine two parts Crystal Pepsi with one part flippant observation to create the most unbalanced ranking possible, and to offer the least accurate look at the state of the NBA on a weekly basis. If you disagree with your team's spot, feel free to go crazy in the comments or spit venom via email.

1. Los Angeles Lakers — With an NBA-best 11-1 record, the Lakers have now equaled their best start since an identical record in '01-02. That team, led by Mark Madsen, went on to win a title. Conclusion: Mitch Kupchak needs to trade for Mark Madsen. [JE]

2. Boston Celtics — They're up to 17th in offense! They're up to 17th in offense! Magic (16th), can you feel it breathing down your neck? A team of basketball players, breathing down (not just "on") your neck for some reason, even though they're on their way to California and you play in Florida tonight? And you're a not a person with a neck, but a team, a team called "Magic"? Can you feel it? [Kelly Dwyer]

3. Cleveland Cavaliers"... It's time, once again, to look into the future." ... "The future, LeBron?" ... "That's right, Danny. Let's look to the future, all the way to the year 2010!" [JE]

4. Houston Rockets — Two wins in a row with no major injuries. Just crippling fatigue. Progress. [KD]

5. Denver NuggetsCan Billups play for the Broncos? [JE]

6. Phoenix Suns — Terry Porter's "defensive mindset" now has the Suns playing worse defense (19th) than any of Mike D'Antoni's Suns teams. [KD]

7. Utah Jazz — Before you hoot and holler, consider this: "With Deron Williams, Carlos Boozer, Kyle Korver and Jarron Collins all missing Saturday’s game, the Jazz now have lost 40 games due to injury or illness this season. What's remarkable is they missed a combined 42 games in the entire 2007-08 season." 9-5? First in the Northwest? Not bad. [JE]

8. Portland Trail Blazers — The biggest "all O, no D" team in the NBA, it's not even close, and nobody knows about it because Nate McMillan has this team barely evading eight second violations every time down court. [KD]

9. Orlando Magic — Many beginners know how to perform simple magic tricks, but few think about putting them together into an entertaining set or show. Here's advice on taking those tricks and organizing them into a set — take your show on the road. [JE]

10. New Orleans Hornets — The defense is way down, the offense is surprisingly stout, but that tends to happen when you play a guy who averages 21 points, 12 assists, and three steals. Three steals have nothing to do with offense, you say? Well, you've got us. Finally. We're totally in the tank for Chris Paul. Deron Williams sucks. [KD]

11. Detroit Pistons — Good news: Antonio McDyess to return to Pistons. Bad news: Foye helps Timberwolves rout Pistons in Detroit. Weird news: Clergyman hospitalized with potato in his rear. [JE]

12. Philadelphia 76ers — It's not so much that they "need shooters," it's that they "don't need Andre Iguodala," apparently, and "can't afford for Lou Williams to play like Lou Barlow." Lou Barlow sucks. That declaration, I meant. [KD]

13. Dallas Mavericks — "Nothing beats winning. If you lose all the time, it's not fun to be around a losing program. We had to get it turned around quick. That New York win was big. We found a way to get that win. And we all know this league is a lot about confidence. If you have confidence down the stretch, you're going to beat some people."  — Dirk Nowitzki, pounding his chest, on flipping a five-game skid into a four-game win streak. [JE]

14. Atlanta Hawks — You drool over a team's defense for two weeks, and how do they repay you? 25th in D by November 24th. Classy, guys. Real classy. Have fun at the next in-store autograph function that nobody shows up to. [KD]

15. San Antonio Spurs — I don't know where to put this team, but I'm not alone, cause right outside my window, there's two people just falling in love. [JE]

16. Miami HeatB.J. Novak has these guys playing better defense, and they run more than most Pat Riley teams, but what's the point when Michael Beasley takes the first shots of both halves and then disappears for the rest of the game? If Pat Riley wanted James Edwards, he would have drafted him. And then he would have been committed. And it would have been strange, and a little sad. And I'm not sure he would have even had to draft James Edwards, because he's technically a free agent, and could have just been signed outright. Though Edwards would have likely declined, because he hasn't played in over 12 years. But, yeah, more plays for Michael Beasley, please. [KD]

17. New York Knicks — Via Free Darko, behold the world's ugliest box score. [JE]

18. Milwaukee BucksMalik Allen jokes aside, the fact that Scott Skiles has this team 9th in defense is pretty flippin' sick. This is a team that gets almost 42 minutes a game from Luke Ridnour and Tyronn Lue, and it's up from 30th to 9th this year. [KD]

19. New Jersey Nets — After an emotional win over the Raptors on Friday — shakes fist angrily at Melas — the Nets returned home and took care of business Saturday, scoring a comfortable win over the Clippers to get back to .500. That may not sound impressive — it was the Clips after all — but that baby had "letdown game" written all over it. In marker. Big win. [JE]

20. Toronto Raptors — Let's give Skeets this one, actually:

"****! *&^$^! *$#in', that $#@& from the old #$%& with the stupid handle?!? And you just let him %$** the whole &^%& instead of [attempting to] #@%& an entire &%$#in' bottle? Do you LIKE the way that feels?!?" [KD]

21. Indiana PacersHollinger's pocket protector tells us Indy is one of the better teams in the league, but I just don't see it. They can't hold onto the ball, they can't win on the road, and they can't finish off games. That, and Dunleavy still has tendinitis. [JE]

22. Chicago Bulls — Let's let KD have this one:

Let's watch him silently weep. Everyone give him some room, but let's watch. Is he going ... yes, he's going for Hot Space! Just throwin' it on there. Classic Dwyer. What's on his knuckles? R ... is that an "R?" R-O-S-E. Whoa, that's messed up. Messed up, dude. I hope that's just Sharpie ink. Totally messed up. Let’s get out of here before he YouTubes Ron Harper again. Yes, he's a he. [KD]

23. Golden State Warriors — The Dubs failed to take advantage of a 17-day stretch in which they never left the state of California, going 4-4. They now hit the road for eight of their next nine. Can't wait to watch Crawford jack up 162 threes over the course of the trip. [JE]

24. Sacramento Kings — Defense (30th) that Yogi Stewart couldn’t even help. Rookie Yogi. Pre-Pitino. Pre-Raptors. Mission accomplished: I got the point across, and kept my cred with the 12 people who were big fans of the non-MJ NBA in 1997-98. See you in the lobby, guys! [KD]

25. Memphis Grizzlies — I'm sad to report, due to real life "things", Matt Moore's Grizzlies Semi-Chub won't appear here this week. Please back away from the ledge. [JE]

26. Minnesota Timberwolves — 3-9, bad coaching, poor offense, poor execution late. At least you guys didn't draft Russell Westbrook. [KD]

27. Charlotte Bobcats — The Bobcats couldn't score in a brothel with a fat wad of fifties. [JE]

28. Los Angeles ClippersZach Randolph, Baron Davis, Ricky Davis … while Marcus Camby and Chris Kaman fight for frontcourt minutes. And we laughed at the Knicks. [KD]

29. Washington Wizards — The mic is yours, Goatman: "The Wizards went 0-4 this past week. They currently rank 24th in offensive efficiency and 28th in defense. Their star player (who hasn't been 100% since 2007) is saying that he's okay with rooting for a high lottery pick. Their lone bright spot is a rookie who has averaged 8 points and 5 rebounds a game. They continue to employ Eddie Jordan. The Wizards are not good." EDIT: The Wizards did employ Eddie Jordan. [JE]

30. Oklahoma City Thunder — The new James Bond is pretty good. Not great, but a fun watch. I was really looking forward to the Aston Martin vs. Alfa Romeo race, but there were way too many shots of the Aston's clutch as Bond changed gears 400 times. Still, it was pretty good. I like the fact that the Russian actress didn’t look all that Russian. I usually like pasty, but wasn't into it that night. Still, a good night out even though I had a cold coming on and haven't really seen a Bond movie since "Never Say Never Again." And that was when I was, like, five. On cable. It's been a while. And Earl Watson's turnover ratio is at 16.1, and that's way too high for anyone, much less a point guard. No wonder this team is at 30th in offense. [KD]

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