From the Marbles

[Closing off Pit Chatter Rewind with one of my personal faves. If this is your first time checking out the Pit Chatters, click here to catch up with some of the more recent offerings. We'll see you back here tomorrow night for the Coke Zero open comment thread. For our American readers, Happy Fourth of July; for everybody else, drink beer, blow stuff up, and thank us for everything that's cool in the world. Seeya!]

Listening in on the secret driver's channel from last Saturday night's CarQuest Nationwide race. With only a few laps to go and the race under caution, Denny Hamlin swerves into Brad Keselowski.

Brad Keselowski: Hey! Ow! That hurt!

Denny Hamlin: Dine on my Goodyears, churl! That is how we roll in Sprint Cup!

Brad Keselowski: But - but I'm not in Sprint Cup! This is so majorly not fair! Dale! Dale!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: ...yes, Brad. What can I do for you?

Brad Keselowski: Dale, did you see what Denny just did?

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Nope. Was doing sudoku.

Brad Keselowski: Sudoku? But we're in the middle of a race!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: A Nationwide race. It's not, like, real racing or anything. Hell, I caught a nap from laps 25 to 38 back there.

Brad Keselowski: It's a real race to me, Dale! And now I ... and now I ...

[Sniffling sounds come from Keselowski's mike.]

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Brad, are you crying?

Brad Keselowski: NO! I've just got some dust in my eye.

Denny Hamlin: That would be MY dust! And verily, there is an abundance more from whence it came!

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[For your holiday pleasure, re-presenting Pit Chatters from days past. Enjoy!]

Listening in on our favorite drivers. With a week to kill in the Charlotte area, they go to -- where else? -- Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s Whisky River bar.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Welcome, boys! Come in, come in. [Spots Jimmie Johnson.] Hey there, Jimmie! Up for a beer?

Jimmie Johnson: You ... you actually called me Jimmie.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. [laughing]: Ha! Just kiddin' with ya, Johnny. Grab yourself a brew.

Jimmie Johnson: ... why do I even try?

[The drivers all sit down around the table.]

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Okay, then, Marvin, bring us some chicken fingers.

Marvin Earnhardt: I, uh, I wouldn't do that, boss.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Why not?

Marvin Earnhardt: Well, Skeeter in the kitchen lost a finger. We don't know where it is, but we know what he was working on when he lost it.*

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Hmm ... All right, toss some riblets on the grill, then.

Marvin Earnhardt: Will do, cuz!

[Marvin leaves, and Tony Stewart stands up.]

Good Tony: Boys, I got an announcement. I love all y'all so much, dinner tonight's on me!

Jimmie Johnson: Tony, that's awfully kind of you.

Good Tony: It's a season of giving for me. Giving away food, giving away wins ...

Ryan Newman: Damn straight!

Good Tony: Okay, hang on, I gotta take a pee. [Stands up.] Jimmie? Something wrong?

Jimmie Johnson: Probably nothing, but I just saw Pulp Fiction last night. Nothing good ever happened when somebody went to take a leak.

Good Tony: Yeah, but that was a movie. This is real life.

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[For your holiday pleasure, re-presenting Pit Chatters from days past. Enjoy!]

It's the return of Pit Chatter, where we listen in on the "secret driver's channel" and get you the stories you'll never hear anywhere else. In previous installments, we've heard the tale of the two Tonys, the story of Goodyear's revenge, and the secret behind Junior's success. Today, we find out the true story behind the biggest wreck of the season!

The scene: Twenty laps to go in last weekend's Dan Lowry 400. Denny Hamlin is blowing away the competition, with Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Kyle Busch well behind.

Denny Hamlin: It's happening! It's really happening! I'm gonna win right here at home! [Points up at some angry tough-looking dudes in the crowd.] Eat it, ya schoolyard bullies! Who's the man now, huh? Bet you're wishing you hadn't flushed my head back in third grade! [Points at a ridden-hard, hung-up-wet looking woman] Bet you're wishing you hadn't dumped me after that prom, huh, baby? WHOOOO-

BOOM!

[Hamlin's tire goes soft.]

Denny Hamlin: No! No!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!

[He slumps over his steering wheel and weeps uncontrollably as his car slows to a stop.]

Dale Earnhardt Jr: Buck up, buttercup. I'll send some Amp energy drink over to your trailer ... once I get done with all the celebrating, of course!

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[For your holiday pleasure, re-presenting Pit Chatters from days past. Enjoy!]

Listening in on the "secret driver's channel" from last week's race ...

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Hey, Johnny.

Jimmie Johnson: For the last time, Dale, it's JIMMIE.

Dale Earnhardt Jr:  Yeah, whatever. Time for you to take your dive.

Jimmie Johnson: What? Dive?

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Yep, dive. Mr. Hendrick says so. Fifteen races a year, you and Rainbow Boy gotta take one for the team and let me win.

Jimmie Johnson: You gotta be kidding me!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Johnny, there's two things I don't joke about: my racing, and the sweet, sweet kick of Amp Energy Drink. It gets you going, so...get going!

Jimmie Johnson: Oh, for heaven's ... Somebody's gonna pay for this.

[Johnson fades into the pack, not to be seen again all afternoon.]

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Okay, Mr. Hendrick, Johnny's out of the way.

Rick Hendrick (speaking via cell from his secret underground lair, stroking a white kittycat): Excellent, my boy. We've loaded Tony Stewart's car with a cooler full of beer and sanded down the tires on Kurt Busch's car. It's all coming together now.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: And we owe it all to the fine folks at-

Rick Hendrick: That's enough, son.

[Cut to late in the race, one of the final restarts. Dale Jr. is in second, with Jeff Gordon and Matt Kenseth right on his heels. And on the restart, Earnhardt spins his wheels, and Gordon and Kenseth whip around him only to collide with one another.]

Jeff Gordon: Jeepers! I'm in more trouble than that time I took an extra cookie for dessert!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Whoop whoop whoop! Nyock, nyock! Learned that move from the Three Stooges, y'all!

Matt Kenseth: This ain't over, Gordon! I shall have my revenge!

[Alas, Earnhardt loses the race, unable to catch up to Carl Edwards.]

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Mr. Hendrick! You said I was gonna win! You PROMISED!

Rick Hendrick: It's okay, my boy, it's okay. [switches over to second line] Implement Plan B.

NASCAR official beside Carl Edwards' car: Yes, sir. (Yelling to someone else) Guys! Come over here! Something doesn't look right ...

Rick Hendrick: Excellent.

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[For your holiday pleasure, re-presenting Pit Chatters of days past. Enjoy!]

Listening in on the talk on the drivers' ultrasecret channel. With 28 laps to go in the Daytona 500, Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Tony Stewart are trading the lead back and forth:

Tony Stewart: Whoa! Nice racing there, Little E!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: You said it! This is almost as much fun as serving your country while you serve yourself in the National Guard!

Tony Stewart: You don't really believe that, do you?

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Um ... (whispering) No, but I just made five grand for saying it. I'll split it with you.

Tony Stewat: Why, that's really kind of you, Dale. Everybody's been so sweet to me this weekend, treating me so well ... you know, maybe it's time for me to make a change. Maybe it's time for Good Tony to take his turn on the track!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: You go, buddy. Hang on, I smell something coming from my tires. Boys? Should I be pitting any time soon? Boys?

Tony Eury Jr: Hey boss, did you know that Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus are the same person? I just figured that out!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Shouldn't you be, like, paying attention to the race?

[Fast-forward now to the race's final laps]

Tony Stewart: Okay, I hang back here and wait for Kyle, and he'll push me right through to Victory Lane! Man, being good is finally gonna pay off!

Kyle Busch: D00D UR GONNA WIN DATYONA LOL ROFLMAO

Tony Stewart: Kyle! Are you text-messaging again? Look out, man, you gotta stay on the track-

[Kyle Busch's car dips below the yellow line]

Kyle Busch: SUXXXORZ

Tony Stewart: Aw, no! Kyle's gone, and now I'm out here on my own! And here comes Kurt and Newman. Hello, Newman!

Ryan Newman: Yeah, haven't heard that one before. Cute. One side, hippie.

Tony Stewart: No! No! NOOOOOO!!!!

Kurt Busch: Look at it this way, Tony ... it's one more year you don't have to worry about climbing the fence. So long, sucka!

[Newman goes on to win the race. A dejected Stewart faces the media.]

Tony Stewart: I just made the wrong decision on the backstretch. Tried to get down in front of Kyle. Thought I would get a push down there ...

[Stewart pauses, as if hearing something in his headset.]

Evil Tony: Hello, Tony.

Good Tony: Who's that? Who's there?

Evil Tony: You know perfectly well who it is, Tony.

Good Tony: Evil Tony? No! I can't let you back into my life! I almost won this race being good!

Evil Tony: And I almost went three days without beating somebody to a bloody pulp. "Almost" doesn't cut it, Tony. You know it's true.

Good Tony: No! No, Evil Tony! Stay away from me! Stay away!

Evil Tony: Just you wait, Good Tony. Soon enough, you'll be calling out my name ...

Need we say it? To be continued!

(Hat tip to Velcro Vernacular. If you like the Atlanta Braves, read VV.)
(Photo credit: Getty Images)

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[For your holiday pleasure, re-presenting Pit Chatters from days gone by. Enjoy!]

More from the secret driver's channel. This week, we tune in to the final laps of Darlington. Kyle Busch is leading, text-messaging his gloating ...

Kyle Busch: WINNIN AGAIN, YO!!! W00T W00T!!!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: I can't stand this. I'm gonna dust this clown.

Jimmie Johnson: Easy, Dale. We got it covered.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Covered? What do you mean ‘covered,' Johnny?

Jimmie Johnson: It's Ji--forget it. Look, you don't need to wreck Rowdy.

[Kyle comes flying past.]

Kyle Busch: WHOZ IN FRUNT? DIS GUY! DIS GUY!!!1!!!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Come on! I can wreck him! I beat up a gorilla, remember?

Jimmie Johnson: That ain't the point. Rowdy--

Jeff Gordon: Say, fellows? Can I point something out?

Jimmie Johnson: ... sure. Go ahead.

Jeff Gordon: Well, I was noticing that young master Busch -

Reed Sorenson: Huh huh ... you said "Master Bush." I'd like to master her --

Jeff Gordon:  -- young master Busch has a lot of nicknames, but none of them are his. "Rowdy," "Wild Thing," "Shrub" ... they all belonged to someone else first.

Kyle Busch: THEY ALL MINE NOW, RAINBOW!!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!

[Kyle blows past Gordon.]

Jeff Gordon: Eeeeek!!

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[For your holiday pleasure, re-presenting Pit Chatters of days past. Enjoy!]

Listening in on the "secret driver's channel" this past weekend at Bristol...

Sam Hornish Jr.: Hey, D.

Dario Franchitti: Hey, Sam. What's up?

Sam Hornish Jr.: You, uh ... you getting nervous?

Dario Franchitti: About what?

Sam Hornish Jr.: You know ... about not making the Top 35.

Dario Franchitti: Pfffft. Not a care in the world.

Sam Hornish Jr.: Yeah, but, I mean ... all the stories are about how us open-wheel dudes are having so much trouble --

Dario Franchitti: Relax, Sam.

Sam Hornish Jr.: --everybody's laughing at me ... my wife can't look me in the eye --

Dario Franchitti: RELAX, Sam.

Sam Hornish Jr.: --and darn it, I've been sanding the corns off Mark Martin's feet for the last month! When is Rookie Corn Duty gonna be over, huh?

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[For your holiday pleasure, re-presenting Pit Chatters of days past. Enjoy!]

Listening in on the "secret driver's channel" during testing this week:

Tony Stewart: ... yeah, so when I got home, there were like a thousand angry messages from Goodyear crying that I was too mean to them and promising they were gonna get me. You believe that?

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Well, you didn't exactly pull any punches.

Tony Stewart: Hell no, I didn't. And then when I was making a beer run, I saw this big white chubby guy standing at the end of my driveway. The Goodyear Man.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Dude, there's no Goodyear Man.

Tony Stewart: There's not?

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Nope. Michelin Man, but no Goodyear Man.

Tony Stewart: Oh.

[Pause.]

Tony Stewart: I probably shouldn't have run over him, then.

THUMP-THUMP

Tony Stewart: What the ... ? Dale, you hear something?

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: The cheers of my fans. The sweet, sweet love of my sponsors. The adoration of NASCAR. That what you meant?

Tony Stewart: Nah, man, it's more like -

THUMP-THUMP

Tony Stewart: There! There, did you hear that?

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Nope. Sorry, bro.

Tony Stewart: That thumping! You can't hear that?

THUMP-THUMP

Tony Stewart: It's coming from those damn Goodyears! Bad enough that I was skating in Atlanta like a frog on a greasy skillet. Now I gotta listen to this noise all weekend? Hey, Kyle!

Kyle Busch: SUP D00D

Tony Stewart: You still texting while you're driving, Kyle?

Kyle Busch: PWNED ATLANTA DOIN IT.

Tony Stewart: Fair enough. So do you hear any-

THUMP-THUMP

Tony Stewart: Right there! Didn't anybody hear that? Anybody?

Kyle Busch: YR CR8ZY. L8RZ.

THUMP-THUMP

THUMP-THUMP

THUMP-THUMP

Tony Stewart: The tires! It's coming from those hideous tires! I can't stand it anymore--oh my lord, what's that?

[A shadow falls over Stewart's car. He looks up and sees the Goodyear Blimp looming over the track.]

Tony Stewart: AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

[Stewart whips off the track and down the nearby roads, screaming all the way.]

Kyle Busch: D00D. U GONNA TELL HIM WE PUT THE NAILZ IN HIS TIREZ?

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: You kidding me? We've got a lot more mileage left in this one.

Kyle Busch: MOR THN THOZ TIREZ, FO SHO.

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[For your holiday pleasure, re-presenting Pit Chatters of days past. Enjoy.]

Overheard yesterday on the private driver's channel during the Daytona practice sessions, just before all that engine trouble ...

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: ... so, yeah, I wanna thank you boys for keeping the field in check Saturday night. Real nice of y'all to agree to Mr. Hendrick's orders to let me win.

Jimmie Johnson: What? We didn't let you win!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Sure you did. You and Rainbow got loaded down with another 500 pounds.

Jimmie Johnson: Loaded down? I didn't agree to that! Jeff, you know about this?

Jeff Gordon: Yes indeedy doo. He threatened to skin my cat.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Like I said, mighty nice of you, Johnny.

Jimmie Johnson: It's Jimmie!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Whatever. Don't fret, I'll let you win the Boudreaux's Butt Paste 400 in June.

Jimmie Johnson: The wha-? Dude, I'm the defending champi-

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Uh huh. Look, just don't go getting in my way, Johnny.

WHOOM!

Jeff Gordon: EEEEK!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: What in the name of Amp Energy Drink, the drink for when your git-up-and-go has got up and gone, was that?

Jeff Gordon: My engine! It's all smoky! And it's ruining my outfit!

Jimmie Johnson: It's all of our engines. I've got to assume that it's the valve lifter-

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Yeah, yeah. Thanks, Pep Boy. Now move over. Your smoke's obscuring my logos.

Jimmie Johnson: Are you kidding me? We're a team, Dale! All for one and one for all!

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Don't be like that, Johnny. There's no "I" in Hendrick. Oh, wait, there is -- and it's me.

Jeff Gordon: Stop fighting stop fighting stop fighting!

Jimmie Johnson: You're right, Jeff. We're all friends here. What say we shut it down and get a beer?

Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Anything but a Budweiser. Bring it to my trailer. And grab me some chips, too, Johnny.

Jimmie Johnson: It's JIMMIE!

[And, on another channel ... ]

Martin Truex: It's done, mistress! Their engines are toast!

Teresa Earnhardt: Excellent! Today their engines, tomorrow their tires, and Sunday their hearts! Dale Junior and his little buddies can drive, but they can't hide! Mwhahahahah!

Martin Truex: Please don't hit me again, ma'am.

Teresa Earnhardt: Quiet, you.

To be continued, of course.

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