Colombia wins penalty shootout to reach Copa America semifinals

Not all soccer games are created equal. Some are glorious, swashbuckling, enthralling and nerve-wracking affairs. Some are operatic in their drama. Some are poems to defensive aptitude in the face of brute attacking force.

And some are Peru vs. Colombia.

Which is to say: wretched and unwatchable.

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Although we were rewarded with a penalty shootout in the end, in which Colombia's stars finally bested the mostly anonymous Peruvians 4-2 after the hour and a half of regulation produced no goals, neutrals will have difficulty getting over the time they invested in Friday's putrid contest.

If this Copa America Centenario quarterfinal is remembered for anything at all, it will be for being such an utterly abrasive and regressive game, a rhythm-free slog of fouls and flops. A lot of running happened and a lot of committed shoves and challenges and tackles flew around. But for the dozens of fouls, there were just two real scoring chances.

If Colombia initially directed most of the traffic towards Peru's goal, there was a fair amount of back and forth. But neither team got closer than James Rodriguez did for the Cafeteros. In the 22nd minute, he found some room and popped a shot off the right post with his lesser right leg. Carlos Bacca couldn't get the rebound on target from an acute angle.

At the other end, goalkeeper David Ospina was called upon just a rare few times. He made a few good aerial interventions after half an hour. And then, in the 92nd minute, he produced a fine save on Christian Ramos's header.

But then, as if to take away any hope that at least the final minute of the game might be fun, Christian Cueva shunted the ensuing corner kick directly into the side netting. What an apt and painful metaphor for the entire night.

In the intervening hour, there was a lot of flopping, a great deal of begging laissez-faire referee Patricio Loustau for calls and a physicality that prevented any real momentum to be built by either team. There was so much diving, in fact, that it was hard to blame the ref for ignoring Bacca's pleas when he was actually bundled down in Peru's box early in the second half.

And so it went to penalties.

On the third round, Ospina got a foot on Miguel Trauco's effort.

And then Cueva – poor Cueva – skied Peru's fourth to seal the win for the favorites.

James cried tears of joy after that final kick, for Colombia's progression to the semifinals.

So did the rest of us, for this game being over.

Leander Schaerlaeckens is a soccer columnist for Yahoo Sports. Follow him on Twitter @LeanderAlphabet.