Jose Mourinho attempts to keep El Clasico feisty despite his absence

Even though I have returned to Chelsea, for some reason Spain will still have El Clasico without me. This does not make sense to anyone. For three years Real Madrid v Barcelona was the best fixture in the world because of me. How can you have Barcelona v Real Madrid match without the best part of Barcelona v Real Madrid match? It is like having bread without gluten. Pointless.

When I was manager of Real Madrid, I took El Clasico to a new level that everyone had to watch. It is obvious that it will not be the same without the man special enough to make both teams hate him, so I will now say some things to give the match some of my magic. Help make it feel as if I am still there. Think of it like giving alcohol to someone right out of a rehab facility. So here is some absinthe to lubricate an entertaining football meltdown.

Sergio Ramos is the one who reported Lionel Messi to the tax authorities.

Cesc Fabregas should be playing for a team that truly plays beautiful football like Arsenal or West Ham.

Cristiano Ronaldo is not as good as Lionel Messi and Lionel Messi is not as good as Cristiano Ronaldo.

Neymar and Sergio Busquets are most dangerous this time of year. It is their favorite season. Fall.

Harry Redknapp was able to get more out of Gareth Bale than Carlo Ancelotti.

Xavi only enjoys the smell of his own underpants.

Pepe told me that he will headbutt Dani Alves when he least expects it and Dani Alves said he will do the same to Pepe.

"Tata Martino" sounds like a cocktail you can order at a third-rate beach club.

Andres Iniesta is a good person.

Gerard Pique is only useful as a blood donor.

Sami Khedira is the best player on either team (now that Ozil's gone) and I can't wait until he joins me at Chelsea. He says the only people more unlikable than those at Barcelona are those at Real Madrid.

And finally, Iker Casillas is nothing more than a rich man's Victor Valdes.

That should do for now. Happy eye poking, everyone. Your anger is all the appreciation I need.

Trollfully yours,

Jose Mourinho