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Dirty Tackle

Everything you need to know about Eden Hazard, budding egomaniac

Dirty Tackle

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Eden Hazard spots himself in a mirror. (Getty)

The most hyped player available in the summer transfer window will be 21-year-old Belgian international Eden Hazard. His impending move away from Lille has already been scrutinized to the point where ESPN was fooled by a fake Manchester United site claiming he has already signed for the Red Devils. But who is this manchild who seems to be deriving great pleasure from the international guessing game he's created? Here is all the information we assume to be true about him.

-Born in La Louviere, Belgium on January 7, 1991 after his mother spent nine months telling hospitals all over the country that she might have her baby at their institution. His birth in La Louviere was unplanned, as she ran out of time to expand her campaign into France and Germany.

-Since Eden was old enough to read the Bible, he has never doubted that the Garden of Eden was named after him and that Adam and Eve are his sworn enemies for eating his fruit without asking his permission first.

-As a child, he was only told "no" once. He thought it was a synonym for "candy."

-His mother, father and younger brother have all played professional football (his two youngest siblings are in AFC Tubize's academy). Eden decided to play himself just to overshadow all of them.

-He became the first foreign-born player to win the Ligue 1 Young Player of the Year award for the 2008/09 season -- an honor he took the following season, as well. He then won the Ligue 1 Player of the Year award for the 2010/11 and 2011/12 seasons. This season was his best as a professional, scoring 20 goals (including a hat trick in his final match) with 16 assists. He requested a "Ligue 1 Batman of Infinity" award to more accurately recognize his achievements, but his request was denied.

-Hazard's skill and speed have drawn comparisons to Cristiano Ronaldo, Zidane and Thierry Henry, though Hazard is unaware of this praise since he usually loses interest in a sentence after he finishes reading his own name.

-Eden already has 26 caps for Belgium, or as he puts it, "Belgium has 26 caps for Eden Hazard."

-He helped Lille to the Ligue 1 title and Coupe de France double in 2010/11 -- the first time they have won either trophy in over 50 years. This is a measure of time that is nonsensical to Hazard because he is not yet 50 years old.

-He was so sure he would move on at the end of the season that Nike put together a teaser video in January that featured a smirking Eden Hazard sitting in a chair and holding cards that read "What's Eden Hazard's next move?" even though he still had four months left to play with Lille. He spoke of the possibilities like a John looking over his choices in a brothel.

-He's been linked to everyone from Spurs to Real Madrid, but he seems to have narrowed his choices down to the Premier League trio of Manchester United, Man City and now that they've won the Champions League: Chelsea, reportedly with a wage demand of a massive £200,000 per week and the stipulation that whichever club he selects changes their name to Eden Hazard Wolf Gang Kill Them All FC. Which, admittedly, sounds pretty awesome.

-Nicklas Bendtner thinks he's full of himself.

-He often mistakes mirrors for televisions showing a documentary of his life.

-He nearly starved to death when he kept a waiter guessing for days as to whether he would choose the spaghetti bolognese or the fish special.

-His favorite color is Eden Hazard.

-Instead of choosing just one club, he will sign with Man United, Man City and Chelsea in an unprecedented timeshare type arrangement. The clubs will agree to this because they are incapable of refusing the demands of footballers and if they don't do it, three other clubs will. Right?

Previously: Everything you need to know about Papiss Cisse, goal machine

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