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Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Dirty Tackle

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Artur Boruc relaxes with his noodles. (ArturBoruc.com)

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. WHAT'S HAPPENING -- I BLACKED OUT A FEW WEEKS AGO AND NOW I'M IN A POOL SITTING ON FOAM NOODLES AND THERE'S CREME BRULEE IN MY NOSE!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH I CAN TASTE THE BURNT SUGAR IN THE BACK OF MY THROAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. ARGENTINE FANS THREATENING TO SHOOT A PLAYER IN THE KNEE IF TEAM DOESN'T WIN -- SO WHAT?!!?!?!?!?!??! I SHOOT MYSELF IN THE KNEE WHENEVER I RUN OUT OF COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!! MY KNEECAPS LOOK LIKE PINCUSHIONS FILLED WITH BULLETS BUT I'M NOT SELF-CONSCIOUS OR ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH STOP LOOKING AT MY KNEECAPS!!!!!!!!!

3. THE DUTCH NATIONAL TEAM'S WEIRD VIDEO -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- DURING MY MOST RECENT BLACKOUT I HAD A DREAM THAT I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A CORN FIELD AND HAD TO FIGHT MY WAY OUT BEFORE THE DEVIL VEG COULD OVERPOWER ME AND BRAINWASH ME INTO THINKING THAT ITS COBS ARE NOT THE SOURCE OF ALL THE WORLD'S PERVERSIONS!!!!!!!!!!! SO I BURNED DOWN THE FIELD WITH A FIRE I STARTED BY BITING A FLASHLIGHT AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN A SAD FARMER CAME UP TO ME AND SAID I RUINED HIS LIVELIHOOD SO I HELPED HIM PLANT A BUNCH OF TOMATOES!!!!!!!!!!

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5. SHAY GIVEN -- STOP STEALING MY JOKES!!!!!!!!!! I'VE BEEN DOING THE SPRINKLER PEE GAG SINCE I WAS 8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE THE DANE COOK OF GOALKEEPING SHAY GIVEN!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN PRETEND TO POOP OUT WATER BOTTLES BUT IF YOU DO THE SPRINKLER PEE JOKE AGAIN I WILL BEAT YOU WITH A BOARD GAME!!!!!!!!!! PROBABLY CRANIUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. GORDON RAMSAY GETTING SENT TO THE HOSPITAL BY TEDDY SHERINGHAM -- NORMALLY I HATE VIOLENCE OF ANY FORM ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S IN A CHARITY FOOTBALL MATCH BUT GORDON RAMSAY KIND OF DESERVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL HE DOES IS YELL AND SCREAM AT PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT GUY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!??!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY VOCAL CHORDS FEEL LIKE ANGRY MONKEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. EDEN HAZARD FINED A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE FOR BEING LATE -- ONE TIME I MADE A PAINT THINNER BASED CHAMPAGNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT TASTED PRETTY GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THEN I HEADBUTTED A €90 FLOWER ARRANGEMENT!!!!!!!!!! IT FELT LIKE BEAUTY!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. CHELSEA PLAYING AMERICAN SPORTS -- MY FAVORITE AMERICAN SPORT IS EATING UNTIL YOU DEVELOP ADULT ONSET DIABETES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY PERSONAL RECORD IS THREE MINUTES AND 17 SECONDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I'M STILL SITTING HERE IN THIS POOL ON THE NOODLES AND WITH THE CREME BRULEE RUNNING OUT OF MY NOSE AND MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI SHOWED UP OUT OF NOWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ASKED HIM WHAT HE WAS DOING HERE AND HE SAID THAT HE WATCHED ME GRAB HIS GOOBER KIDS' POOL TOYS OUT OF THEIR GARAGE AND THEN RUN ACROSS THE STREET TO OUR OTHER NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE AND JUMP IN THEIR POOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAD NO COMMENT BUT IF I DID I WOULD'VE SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT HE'S A PEEPING TOM WHO NEEDS TO MIND HIS OWN BUSINESS AND FIX THE LEG HOLE IN HIS GARAGE DOOR ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANYWAY HE JUST ASKED THAT I RETURN THE POOL TOYS ONCE I WAS DONE AND WASH OFF ANY CREME BRULEE I GET ON THEM AND I SAID I WOULD DO THAT FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEN HE WALKED AWAY AND NOW I'M STILL FLOATING HERE AND WONDERING WHEN POLAND WILL FINALLY ASK ME TO PERFORM IN THE EURO 12 OPENING CEREMONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T SAY WHAT I'LL DO BUT IT DOES INVOLVE POOL NOODLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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