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Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc introduces himself to Maxi Lopez. (AP)

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. PIGGYBACK RIDES -- YOU WILL GIVE ME A PIGGYBACK RIDE TO THE FARMER'S MARKET!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH I NEED RED BELL PEPPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. RAFA MARQUEZ BREAKING CLAVICLES -- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?!? NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT GOING AROUND RUGBY TACKLING PEOPLE AND BREAKING CLAVICLES!!!!!!!!!!! I DO THAT TO MYSELF BUT THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS MY BODY AND MY CHOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IF YOU EVER COME NEAR ME I WILL STAB YOU WITH MY CLAVICLE AND THEN DROPKICK YOU WITH MY RIBCAGE!!!!!!!!!!!

3. BOCA JUNIORS PLAYERS FIGHTING TIGRE FANS -- THIS IS NOT HOW PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALLERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BEHAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE BOCA PLAYERS SHOULD HAVE JUST STAYED ON THE BUS AND BLASTED THE TIGRE FANS WITH A HOSE FILLED WITH LIGHTER FLUID!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IF THEY DIDN'T HAVE THAT THEY COULD HAVE USED A PIRATE CANNON FILLED WITH TUBERCULOSIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH MY PIRATE CANNON JUST WENT OFF AND NOW THERE'S TUBERCULOSIS EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- MALE PATTERN BALDNESS IS PERPETRATED BY THE CORN SO IT CAN ONE DAY SELL A LINE OF HUSK HATS TO FUND ITS PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. ASHLEY YOUNG DIVING -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO PUNCHED SLABS OF MEAT WHILE SITTING NAKED IN FRONT OF A WEBCAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. COMBINING GOLF WITH FOOTBALL -- I ATE A BUNCH OF FIRE ANTS ONE DAY AND COMBINED FOOTBALL WITH THAT THING I INVENTED WHERE YOU PUT A PLAYSTATION INSIDE A MICROWAVE AND THEN TURN THEM BOTH ON BUT RICCARDO MONTOLIVO REFUSES TO PLAY IT WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE NOT TOO GOOD FOR THIS RICCARDO!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T BE LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. SILVIO BERLUSCONI HAVING A BRAZILIAN MODEL STRIP WHILE WEARING A RONALDINHO MASK -- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. FUTSAL PLAYER CASUALLY KICKING OPPONENT IN THE FACE -- VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UNLESS YOU CAN DO THAT!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO DAN AND I WENT OUT FOR A BEER BECAUSE HE WANTED TO TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH HE MISSES GLASGOW AND A BUNCH OF OTHER STUPID THINGS THAT I WILL NOT BORE YOU WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AT ONE POINT WE BOTH WENT TO THE BATHROOM BECAUSE HE HAD TO USE IT AND I JUST WANTED TO ROUNDHOUSE KICK THE TOILET FOR A WHILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN WE WENT TO LEAVE I NOTICED THAT DAN DIDN'T USE SOAP WHEN HE WASHED HIS HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE JUST RINSED THEM UNDER THE WATER AND DRIED THEM OFF LIKE THAT IS ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR FROM A HUMAN BEING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE DECIDED TO LEAVE SHORTLY AFTER THAT AND WHEN WE SAID GOODBYE TO EACH OTHER HE TRIED TO SHAKE MY HAND WITH HIS FILTHY URINE MITTS!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD HIM THAT I COULDN'T SHAKE BECAUSE I WAS GETTING A COLD AND I DIDN'T WANT TO GET HIM SICK EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT HE IS NO BETTER THAN AN UNHYGIENIC SEA TURTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE HE GOT ATTACKED BY A RHINOCEROS MADE OF DISINFECTANT ON HIS WAY HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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