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Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Artur Boruc shows his Polish spirit. (Getty)

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. WOJCIECH SZCZESNY -- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?! DID YOU REMEMBER NOTHING I TAUGHT YOU!??!!??!?!!? I HAVE ALWAYS SAID THAT IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING THAT CAN GET YOU SENT OFF BE SURE YOU'VE EATEN A HAZARDOUS MIXTURE OF CONFUSION GARLIC AND RACCOON FUR SO WHEN THE REFEREE REACHES FOR HIS CARDS YOU CAN KNOCK HIM OUT WITH YOUR ROBUST BREATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE CAN'T SEND YOU OFF IF HE'S UNCONSCIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!! TRUST ME!!!!!!!!!!! AND DON'T EVER SAY ANYTHING TO ANYBODY UNLESS IT INVOLVES THREATENING BODILY HARM WITH A BATHROOM APPLIANCE AT A VOLUME THAT MAKES YOUR NECK VEINS POP OUT OF YOUR STOMACH!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH IT LOOKS LIKE I'M HAVING AN ALIEN BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I THINK I'LL NAME HIM TIM!!!!!!!!!! WHICH IS ENGLISH FOR "WOJCIECH SZCZESNY IS NOWHERE NEAR AS GOOD AS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!" AND YES I KNOW THAT THAT IS ALSO ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. THE OPENING CEREMONY -- IT WAS HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SUBMITTED A SCRIPT FOR THE SHOW THAT CALLED FOR AN EPIC 18-HOUR EXPERIENCE THAT WOULD'VE BEEN A NON-STOP ADRENALINE RUSH INVOLVING ROMAN GLADIATORS CHILDREN DRESSED AS OLD PEOPLE A BLIND TEDDY BEAR NEWMAN FROM "SEINFELD" A COMPLETE DEMONSTRATION OF HOW TO MAKE DENIM THE LARGEST BUCKET OF YOGURT IN EASTERN EUROPE A LECTURE ON EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS AND 17 DIFFERENT KINDS OF MARTIAL ARTS THAT DO NOT WORK AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SENT IT TO THE ORGANIZING COMMITTEE BUT I NEVER HEARD BACK!!!!!!!!! I NEVER HEARD ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S THE LAST TIME I USE A CHAINSAW TO SEND AN EMAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S RIGHT!!!!!!!!! I SAID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. GREECE -- YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- THE BIGGEST THREAT TO POLAND'S SUCCESS IN EURO 2012 IS AN OVERABUNDANCE OF HIGH THREAD COUNT SHEETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT THE SECOND BIGGEST THREAT IS CORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S ALWAYS LURKING AND WAITING FOR THE PERFECT MOMENT TO DESTROY SOCIETY AS WE KNOW IT BY GETTING STUCK IN PEOPLE'S TEETH AND SLOWLY DRIVING THEM INSANE!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN FLOSS ALL YOU WANT BUT YOU WILL NEVER DISLODGE THE FEAR AND THE MENOPAUSAL CRAMPS!!!!!!!!!!

5. PREDICTIONS -- I WAS GOING TO MAKE A PREDICTION ON WHO WILL WIN THE TOURNAMENT BUT I KEEP SECOND GUESSING MY PICKS AND THEN I SCREAM AT MY FRIEND ANDY'S VOICEMAIL AND THEN I HAVE TO CALL BACK AND APOLOGIZE FOR LEAVING SUCH A DISCONCERTING MESSAGE AND THEN I DO IT AGAIN AND AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IT'S A VICIOUS CYCLE OF DOUBT AND PRE-RECORDED OPERATORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. RACISM -- IF YOU MAKE MONKEY CHANTS AT A FELLOW HUMAN BEING I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AS LONG AS I LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL HOWEVER YELL AT YOU CONTINUOUSLY AND TOUCH EVERYTHING IN YOUR HOUSE AFTER DIPPING MY HANDS IN MAPLE SYRUP!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYTHING WILL BE STICKY AND YOUR LIFE WILL BE RUINED FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH RACISM IS JUST A CORN PLOT TO TURN HUMANS AGAINST EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

7.  TV CHANNELS -- EVERY FOOTBALLER ON THE PLANET WHO ISN'T PLAYING IN EURO 2012 GETS TO BE A TELEVISION ANALYST FOR THE TOURNAMENT EXCEPT FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY?!?!?!??!??!?? JUST BECAUSE I INSTINCTIVELY HEADBUTT TELEPROMPTERS AND HAVE A NATURAL DISTRUST OF INTERNS IS NOT ENOUGH OF AN EXCUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI BROUGHT HIS TWO GOOBER KIDS OVER TO MY HOUSE SO WE COULD ALL WATCH THE POLAND MATCH TOGETHER EXCEPT I WATCHED FROM INSIDE MY SOUNDPROOF VIEWING CHAMBER AND THEY ALL WORE HELMETS AND HAZMAT SUITS DOWN IN THE BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MADE THEM A DELICIOUS SPREAD OF DIPS AND MEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BY THE END OF THE MATCH I HAD BROKEN THROUGH MY SOUNDPROOF CHAMBER AND SPRINTED THROUGH FOUR DIFFERENT YOGA STUDIOS OUT OF SHEER FRUSTRATION AND OUTRAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT WHEN I RETURNED DAN SAID THAT A DRAW IS GOOD ENOUGH AND HE STILL LIKES OUR CHANCES TO ADVANCE TO THE KNOCKOUT ROUNDS TO WHICH I RESPONDED "YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT DAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT IF HE EVER GETS A JOB AS A TV PUNDIT OVER ME I WILL CONGRATULATE HIM IN THE LEAST EXCITED WAY POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE HE PICKS UP ON THE SUBTLETY OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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