In honor of Philip Humber, we decided to be perfect ourselves.
The rankings (records through Wednesday's games):
1. Tampa Bay Rays (17-8; Previous: 10) – Tough night for the Trop, where fewer than 10,000 attend game against Mariners in stadium with 40,000 seats. Interestingly, Seattle's Kyle Seager also went one for four.
2. Texas Rangers (17-8; Previous: 1) – Rangers finish month leading Angels by nine games, seriously consider summering in the Hamptons.
3. St. Louis Cardinals (16-8; Previous: 4) – Cards' first basemen have one home run between them. Consider themselves way ahead of the alternative.
4. Los Angeles Dodgers (17-8; Previous: 5) – In first executive decision, Magic chooses office with expansive view of Frank McCourt's future leverage.
5. Baltimore Orioles (16-9; Previous: 16) – Buck Showalter's boys surprising people with their good pitching, solid offensive production and exemplary table manners.
6. Washington Nationals (15-9; Previous: 3) – List of people who wear more eye black than Bryce Harper: Alice Cooper, any Kardashian, that weird kid in the cafeteria, Icarus.
7. Atlanta Braves (15-11; Previous: 8) – Chipper Jones says he'd like a front-row seat when they blow up Wrigley Field. Cubs fans say they'll save him one down by the dugout.
8. Toronto Blue Jays (14-11; Previous: 6) – Edwin Encarnacion gets any hotter, people will stop calling him "Juan."
9. New York Yankees (13-11; Previous: 9) – Andy Pettitte, during cross-examination in Roger Clemens trial, changes speeds, keeps his voice down and his answers on the corners. Afterward, just glad to keep his team in game.
10. Arizona Diamondbacks (13-12; Previous: 7) – Rookie Patrick Corbin spent first day in bigs watching from stands in Miami. Was fine, except when he kept trying to start the wave.
11. Cleveland Indians (12-10; Previous: 12) – Fans see near-8.00 ERA from Tony Sipp, gulp.
12. Detroit Tigers (12-12; Previous: 2) – See, Delmon Young didn't mean to throw that hate at those people, but there was pine tar, and the hate sort of stuck to his words and, well, the hate just landed over there and then tackled them.
13. San Francisco Giants (12-12; Previous: 11) – Tim Lincecum cuts hair, loses velocity, slays Padres with jawbone of a donkey.
14. New York Mets (13-12; Previous: 13) – The good news: The Mets field nine homegrown players in same starting lineup. The better news: The Marlins fielded Jose Reyes.
15. Philadelphia Phillies (13-13; Previous: 15) – Ryan Howard sees wound specialist. Wishes the guy would just calm down.
16. Boston Red Sox (11-13; Previous: 19) – Bobby V wins a few. In other news, looms at Ye Olde Effigy Shoppe stand down.
17. Los Angeles Angels (10-15; Previous: 14) – Mike Scioscia wonders if that Mayan calendar everyone's talking about has an April in it. Because if not, he's in.
18. Cincinnati Reds (11-12; Previous: 24) – A bit of irony: Reds pitcher Homer Bailey is actually better on the road.
19. Colorado Rockies (12-12; Previous: 20) – Peyton Manning attends game at Coors Field, annoys others in concession line by needing three minutes to audible from hot dog to chili nachos.
20. Chicago White Sox (12-12; Previous: 21) – Does it seem strange that Justin Verlander can't hang with Kate Upton but now Philip Humber can?
21. Oakland Athletics (13-13; Previous: 23) – Moneyball A's lead league in steals, last in on-base percentage. It's like we don't even know them anymore.
22. Milwaukee Brewers (11-14; Previous: 17) – Ryan Braun has three-homer game in San Diego, and now the Padres have no idea where to put the fences.
23. Houston Astros (11-14; Previous: 25) – One more bummer about moving to AL – Astros pitchers lead NL in RBI.
24. Miami Marlins (10-14; Previous: 18) – Fans aren't happy with Marlins, which is fine by Ozzie: “I was booing too, they just couldn't hear me though.”
25. Seattle Mariners (11-15; Previous: 22) – In visit to The Trop, several intrepid Mariners tour catwalk. Reported that, from 420 feet up, Chone Figgins' batting average still looks very small.
26. Pittsburgh Pirates (10-14; Previous: 28) – A.J. Burnett gives up 12 in St. Louis. Fortunate Cardinals tried – and failed – twice to go for two.
27. Kansas City Royals (7-16; Previous: 26) – Royals return to KC relating to all henpecked husbands; just can't win at home.
28. Chicago Cubs (9-15; Previous: 29) – Theo scans Cubs roster, plots next move. Thinking Pittsburgh might be nice.
29. San Diego Padres (9-17; Previous: 30) – Padres will move in fences. Plan B: Move in bases.
30. Minnesota Twins (6-18; Previous: 27) – Painting “The Scream” sells for $120 million. Or, for the price of a ticket, you could go see Ron Gardenhire watch Twins play.
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