Liverpool shelled out £20 million to make midfielder Jordan Henderson their first big signing of the summer. As the club's captain, Steven Gerrard decided to give him a ring and welcome him to the club. The following is a transcript of how we imagine that conversation went.
Gerrard: Can I have a pizza with normal pizza toppings on it and nothing weird like goat's cheese or more goat's cheese?
Henderson: Uh, I think you have the wrong number.
Gerrard: No I don't, I'm just really good at playing jokes on you. This is Steven Gerrard. I'm your new teammate and captain and role model. Welcome to Liverpool, even though you're in Denmark and I'm pretending to be on a rocketship right now.
Henderson: Thanks, Steven. I'm really looking forward to playing together. How's your recovery going?
Gerrard: It's going the best. I was just talking to my doctor, who isn't Doctor Who but he probably could be if he wanted to and he was like, "Oh Steven Gerrard, your groin is healing so well that it's almost like you're some kind of Scouse superhuman with an amazing ability to heal his body and win at board games." And I was like, "But I'm not a Scouse superhuman, I'm just a normal Steven Gerrard who happens to be good at board games." And he was like, "Yeah, that's why I said 'almost'." And I was like, "..." and he was like "..."
Henderson: OK, yeah, that's, uh, good to hear.
Gerrard: I know it is, that's why I said it. Anyway, I was talking to Kenny Dalglish a few weeks ago because he always asks me for advice about which players he should sign and what time he should eat dinner every night. And he was like, "Oh Steven Gerrard, who should I sign and what time should I eat dinner tonight?" And I was like, "You should buy Jordan Henderson for £20 million even though that's a stupid amount of money because he's going to be the next Steven Gerrard and you should eat dinner at 8 p.m." And he was like, "But my wife wants to go see a film at 8:15." And I was like, "..." and he was like "..."
Henderson: Um, wow, that was kind of you to say, Steven. I don't know if I would say I'm the next you, though.
Gerrard: Well, I did, so you are. You listen to Phil Collins every day while your wife and daughters clap for you, right? Because that's required to be a Steven Gerrard.
Henderson: Uh, no, I don't. I don't have any kids.
Gerrard: Good. I didn't want you to. But we can fix that. I was just dialoging with Luis Suarez the other day and he was like, "Oh Steven Gerrard, we need to get Jordan Henderson some daughters so he'll be the next you." And I was like, "You can't just get daughters, Luis. You have to fill out a bunch of forms and squeeze your wife's backside until her belly expands." And he was like, "I thought you just had sex to make a baby." And I was like, "..." and he was like "..."
Henderson: Yeah, I think- I think I have to go now Steve. But thanks for the welcome and if there isn't anything else...
Gerrard: Of course there's something else. When you finally get back to Liverpool and I stop pretending I'm in a rocketship to make my next baby laugh, you have to bring me a cupcake. Now what kind are you bringing because I don't like goat's cheese?
Henderson: One without goat's cheese on it?
Photos: Getty, AP