Big Ten football Misery Index: Michigan football can only strive for the West's balance

November is a time for balance in the college football world.

That is, at least, if you have any interest in getting respect from the College Football Playoff committee, which drops five or six references to balance a week in explaining why there’s a better chance of a head coach named “Bo” in Columbus than there is of ranking Michigan football ahead of Ohio State before the two teams actually, y’know, play in Columbus at the end of the month.

Then again, this is Big Ten football Misery Index, and November is the Big Ten-iest time of all, as the chill in the air wipes out worries over balance and turns offenses into step-counters and coaches into FedEx spokesmen.

At least, we think that was Wolverines coach Jim Harbaugh’s message after running 49 times in 69 plays against the Huskers of Corn: “There is two ways to go: You go by air or you go by the ground. Today was the day we chose to go more on the ground.”

(Then again, maybe he just caught a showing of “Cast Away” on TNT on Friday night. Can’t get stranded with only a volleyball to talk to if you always travel on the ground.)

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Minnesota coach P.J. Fleck had a similar message after his Row-The-Boaters became Run-The-Ballers with 58 rushes in 71 plays: “If we have to do that, we have to do that. Would I like to be more balanced? … Absolutely. But we've got to make the routine plays, and we've got to make the routine throws.”

Of the seven winners Saturday, five rushed more than 58% of the time, and three topped 66%. (And then there was Michigan State football, hitting the sweet spot with 35 rushes, 35 passes.)

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No, if we’re looking for balance, there’s only one place we’ll find it: The Big Ten West. Not on the field though — in the standings, which, with two weeks to play, feature the potential for a five-way tie for first at 5-4 in conference play. First off, the scenario (as plausibly laid out by the Chicago Sun-Times’ Steve Greenberg):

Illinois: Lose to Michigan (sure), beat Northwestern (also sure).

Iowa: Lose to Minnesota (iffy, but OK), beat Nebraska (oh, yeah).

Minnesota: Beat Iowa (see above), lose to Wisconsin (Gophers 3-19 this century vs. Badgers, checks out).

Purdue: Beat Northwestern (you may have figured out, the Wildcats take the brunt of this scenario, just as they have all season), lose to Indiana (uhhhh).

Wisconsin: Beat Nebraska (again, checks out), beat Minnesota (again, 19 AND 3).

And if all those games fall all those ways — though, seriously, the Hoosiers are not the strongest linchpin there — who’s headed to Indy to face the Buckeyes or Wolverines in the Big Ten title game? Based on our back-of-the-envelope scribblings (based on the first multi-team divisional tiebreaker, record vs. all tied teams) ... it’s Illinois, which would be 3-1 against the group, with Iowa, Purdue and Wisconsin each 2-2, and Minnesota 1-3.

(Was that a lot of paperwork for a highly hypothetical scenario? Of course. But we’re all about living that Misery Index life.)

Of course, Illinois could avoid all this by winning in Ann Arbor this week (and, uh, getting some losses from the three other teams also at 4-3 now), but, again, this is the Misery Index, not the Fantasy Index.

But while we figure out the tiebreaker scenarios for all the other Big Ten West permutations — and deny yet another petition from Penn State to change divisions — let’s run through the Misery Index, from least miserable to most in Week 11:

14. Iowa: W, 24-10, over Wisconsin

Record: 6-4, 4-3 Big Ten. Last week’s ranking: 14.

Was there a trophy involved in this rivalry? Did said trophy involve a farm animal of some sort? Then you’d best believe Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz was all in. The Hawkeyes took home the Heartland Trophy, featuring a brass bull, thanks to their win. Despite the age of the Iowa/Wisconsin rivalry, the trophy dates back only to 2004, and this was just Ferentz’s seventh win in 17 tries with the trophy at stake.

13. Purdue: W, 31-24, over Illinois

Record: 6-4, 4-3. Last week: 1.

How right did things go for the Boilermakers? Quarterback Aidan O’Connell, who’s only slightly faster than Purdue’s broken-down mascot from last week — he’d never finished with more than 10 yards rushing in any of his previous 29 games at Purdue — picked up 33 yards on two rushes out of the speed option. “Sometimes you have to do different things to win games,” O’Connell said afterward.

12. Michigan: W, 34-3, over Nebraska

Record: 10-0, 7-0. Last week: 11.

Haven’t seen Big Red chewed up that much since Ricky Bobby’s outtakes in “Talladega Nights.”

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11. Penn State: W, 30-0, over Maryland

Record: 8-2, 5-2. Last week: 13.

Head coach James Franklin drew a flag for unsportsmanlike conduct over yelling at a ref (though he alleges he was merely yelling at his players in the refs’ vicinity) and responded the way his players are supposed to: 15 pushups on the sideline. "I was embarrassed by it," Franklin said. "I did my pushups. Everybody's held accountable."

10. Michigan State: W, 27-21, over Rutgers

Record: 5-5, 3-4. Last week: 12.

All credit to the Spartans for finally figuring out how to stop giving up 400 passing yards a game, but letting every running back go off for 100 or so — Kyle Monangai, really? — might not be sustainable, either.

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9. Minnesota: W, 31-3, over Northwestern

Record: 7-3, 4-3. Last week: 7.

Mohamed Ibrahim’s three rushing TDs Saturday brought him to 51 all-time, making him the seventh Big Ten back with at least 50. (The others: Wisconsin’s Montee Ball, 77; Wisconsin’s Ron Dayne, 71; Indiana’s Anthony Thompson, 68; Ohio State’s Pete Johnson, 56; Michigan’s Anthony Thomas, 55; Wisconsin’s Jonathan Taylor, 50.) That includes at least one TD against every non-Minnesota school but two: Indiana … and Iowa. (You’ll never guess who the Golden Gophers get this week…)

8. Ohio State: W, 56-14, over Indiana

Record: 10-0, 7-0. Last week: 4.

The Buckeyes put up 50 points for the eighth time this season despite being without wide receiver Jaxon Smith-Njigba and running back TreVeyon Henderson for the entire game, and running back Miyan Williams for a half against the Hoosiers. (Don’t cry for the Buckeyes; they still picked up 102 yards from freshman RB Dallan Hayden and a 71-yard run from RB-turned-WR-turned-RB Xavier Johnson.) The way this season has gone, we wouldn’t play Jenga with coach Ryan Day, but if you did, best pat him down for some hidden blocks first.

7. Rutgers: L, 27-21, to Michigan State

Record: 4-6, 1-6. Last week: 8.

The Spartans won the battle of the programs that insist they “Keep Chopping,” no matter what — but the Scarlet Knights still have the trademark registered (and have since coach Greg Schiano’s first stint in Piscataway).

6. Indiana: L, 56-14, to Ohio State

Record: 3-7, 1-6. Last week: 6.

Dexter Williams II took over at QB on the Hoosiers’ fourth possession, down 21-0 already. Just goes to show you: No matter what season it is, Bloomington will always get excited about a guy who goes 6-for-19 in a 42-point loss.

5. Wisconsin: L, 24-10, to Iowa

Record: 5-5, 3-4. Last week: 10.

The Badgers gave this one away with a pick-six for one score and a blocked punt that set up an 18-yard “drive” for another by the Hawkeyes, but at least they’re trying to hold onto star running back Braelon Allen, who suggested he might transfer if Wisconsin doesn’t give interim head coach Jim Leonhard the full-time gig. “Unfortunately we have to recruit our own team every day right now,” Leonhard said. “It is unfortunate to see where it’s at, but I have to continue to show a clear vision.”

4. Northwestern: L, 31-3, to Minnesota

Record: 1-9, 1-6. Last week: 9.

Those 58 runs by the Gophers meant the Wildcats had the ball for just 19 minutes, 38 seconds Saturday. "We got up, and we understood that we wanted to run the clock out,” Minnesota RB Mohamed Ibrahim said. No offense, Mo, but we’re pretty sure Wildcat fans just want to run the clock out, too.

3. Nebraska: L, 34-3, to Michigan

Record: 3-7, 2-5. Last week: 3.

Not to pick on that third-stringer for the Huskers of Corn — the Wolverines did that plenty — but you gotta love a QB whose name doubles as what defenses do against him — hello, Logan Smothers.

2. Maryland: L, 30-0, to Penn State

Record: 6-4, 3-4. Last week: 5.

Longtime yearly foes before either joined the Big Ten, the Terps and the Nittany Lions have faced each other 27 times over the past 50 season — with Saturday just the second time the Terps have been shut out by PSU over that span.

1. Illinois: L, 31-24, to Purdue

Record: 7-3, 4-3. Last week: 2.

As the Illini suffered their first losing streak of 2022, another streak came to an end: Saturday was the first game in which running Chase Brown didn’t hit 100 yards on the ground since Nov. 20, 2021, a span of 10 straight before Brown was held to 98 yards by the Boilermakers.

But at least the Illini were balanced: 33 rushes, 32 passes.

2022 BIG TEN MISERY INDEX

WEEK 0:Michigan puts off the pain at least till Week 3

WEEK 1:The gospel of Michigan QB requirements

WEEK 2:Michigan football, Michigan State prove savvy shoppers

WEEK 3:Dog-eat-dog games for Michigan football, MSU

WEEK 4:Paying tribute to past coaches

WEEK 5:Who's afraid of ghosts? Not Michigan football

WEEK 6:Michigan State football still working on its reinvention

WEEK 7:Michigan and MSU's Heisman contenders aren't who you think

WEEK 8:Taylor Swift sounds off on Michigan's state of rivalry

WEEK 9:It's time for Michigan football, OSU to play the CFP feud

WEEK 10:Michigan, Michigan State weather winds of change

Contact Ryan Ford at rford@freepress.com. Follow him on Twitter @theford.

This article originally appeared on Detroit Free Press: Big Ten football Misery Index: Michigan can only hope for West balance