Big Ten football Misery Index: Michigan State, Michigan pay tribute to past coaches

Ryan Ford, Detroit Free Press

Sun, Sep 25, 2022, 11:45 AM·9 min read

As the calendar slowly turns from September to October, and Big Ten football schedules slide from nonconference walkthroughs — sorry, Nebraska — to Midwest slugfests, there’s a familiar feeling in the air.

Perhaps you’ve felt it this week …

Nostalgia.

Programs all over the conference are turning to deeds of the past to warm up their fanbases as the outdoor temperatures take on a decided chill.

Michigan football, of course, is ramping up its celebration of its ~~last~~ most recent national championship, 25 years ago this fall. (Who’d the Wolverines split that title with, anyway?) This week’s step? Naming the tunnel that takes players onto the field at Michigan Stadium after Lloyd Carr, the coach of those 1997 champions. (Buy our book! Listen to our podcast!) Said tunnel also takes graduating seniors onto the Big House field at graduation time, but when have we ever let the “student” part of “student-athlete” get in the way of anything?

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Of course, if the school with “Yost Ice Arena” and “Schembechler Hall” really wanted to honor the good times — remember, this is the Big Ten football Misery Index — they’d just turn out the lights in the Carr Tunnel and let the players stumble through the “Rich Rodriguez/Brady Hoke Memorial Darkness” for a few minutes. Y’know, remind them what we went through to get to the days of Big Ten title game blowouts and routs by SEC teams.

Michigan State football fans, don’t worry: Coach Mel Tucker has your nostalgia covered, too. Why, he and his Spartans spent a whole three hours — or at least the 17½ minutes they had the ball against Minnesota — paying tribute to the final days of the John L. Smith era in East Lansing. Their 34-7 loss Saturday comes nearly 16 years after the Spartans last lost to the Gophers — 31-18, on Nov. 11, 2006 — at Spartan Stadium. Then again, Smith had already been fired 10 days before that loss and was merely coaching out the string, while Tucker still has nine more years on the $95 million extension he inked last November. (Yes, that’s a lot of money — wrapping up in January 2032 — but at least we’re pretty sure the school can go ahead and spend the $25,000 it had earmarked for a Big Ten Coach of the Year bonus.)

Michigan State Spartans head coach Mel Tucker runs off the field after the 34-7 loss to the Minnesota Golden Gophers at Spartan Stadium, Saturday, Sept. 24, 2022.

Ohio State, meanwhile, went for some Hollywood nostalgia, paying tribute to the 15^th anniversary of Spider-Man 3 by swapping their usual red gear for an all-black look. Oh, wait, that was just the alternate jersey they’re won three times before (vs. Penn State in 2015, Nebraska in 2018 and Michigan State in 2019) at the Horseshoe. Saturday’s rout of Wisconsin brought the average winning margin in the midnight specials to 22 points. As they say, with great power comes … ah, check in with us in November.

Northwestern, of course, chose Saturday to hearken back to the days when the program was bad enough to lose to the Dukes, Southern Illinoises and Miami (Ohio)s of the world. Granted, that was actually just last season, but, hey, the Wildcats just placed an alum in charge of an actual Major League Baseball team (yes, the Detroit Tigers still count), so maybe they figured that was as close to the top of the sports world as they needed to get in 2022. Then again, the way this season is going, they might throw a gala for the heroic Wildcats squad that conquered the mighty Huskers of Corn in the far-off land of Ireland in August.

And, finally, Illinois started all the nostalgia this week on Thursday night with a 31-point blanking of Chattanooga — the Illini’s first shutout of a school without a direction in its name in more than 20 years. (Their previous three: Western Illinois in 2015, Charleston Southern in 2012 and Western Illinois in 2007.)

But while we look up the previous non-directional-school shutout for the Illini — c’mon, it was Iowa in 2000 — let’s run through the misery index, from least miserable to most in Week 4:

14.Illinois: W, 31-0, over Chattanooga

Record: 3-1 overall, 0-1 Big Ten. Last week’s ranking: 9.

Let’s not let the Illini — especially running back Chase Brown’s 108 yards on the ground — get lost in the weekend shuffle. Saturday was his fifth straight game with at least 100 rushing yards, something no previous Illini RB — not Howard Griffith, Rashard Mendenhall or even Red Grange — had ever done.

Ohio State receiver Marvin Harrison (18) tries to get away from Wisconsin linebacker Jordan Turner during the first half of an NCAA college football game Saturday, Sept. 24, 2022, in Columbus, Ohio. (AP Photo/Jay LaPrete)

13. Ohio State: W, 52-21, over Wisconsin

Record: 4-0, 1-0. Last week: 13.

Wideout Marvin Harrison Jr. seems like a decent bet to make the All-Big Ten team at season’s end, but he’s already All-Big Ten in accessorizing — the sophomore broke out custom Louis Vuitton cleats and an Apple Watch to go with the Buckeyes’ noir look Saturday. (We’d make an NIL joke, but the kid’s dad is a Pro Football Hall of Famer, so we think he has access to some cash outside the game.)

12. Minnesota: W, 34-7, over Michigan State

Record: 4-0, 1-0. Last week: 10.

As we noted before, the Gophers last won in East Lansing in 2006, which we’re pretty sure was also around the time 16^th-year senior Tanner Morgan (who had three TD passes Saturday) committed to the program.

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11. Michigan: W, 34-27, over Maryland

Record: 4-0, 1-0. Last week: 12.

Coach Jim Harbaugh isn’t eligible to have anything in Ann Arbor named after himself yet, so he had to settle Saturday for reminding everyone of the ~~last~~ only time the Terps beat the Wolverines, a 23-16 fourth-quarter collapse back in 2014, a few months before his return to the program.

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10. Penn State: W, 33-14, over Central Michigan

Record: 4-0, 1-0. Last week: 14.

The Nittany Lions also dipped their paws into the pool of nostalgia Saturday with a halftime ceremony honoring their 1982 national championship squad. (Was Sean Clifford the QB for that team, too?) That team also faced Maryland, Rutgers and a trip to the state of Alabama, just like this year’s team. The ’82 Nittany Lions wrapped it all up with a win over No. 1 Georgia; we’re guessing nostalgia only goes so far if there’s a rematch this season.

Penn State tight end Brenton Strange (86) hurdles Central Michigan defenders Lavario Wiley (6) and Justin Whiteside (45) during the first half of an NCAA college football game, Saturday, Sept. 24, 2022, in State College, Pa. (AP Photo/Barry Reeger)

9. Iowa: W, 27-10, over Rutgers

Record: 3-1, 1-0. Last week: 8.

The Hawkeyes learned their lesson from last week and waited till the fourth quarter (when The Great Big Ten Simulator In The Sky already had too much time invested to send out a reset/weather delay) to score a touchdown on offense. Of course, they already had two on defense, because, well, Rutgers.

8. Maryland: L, 34-27, to Michigan

Record: 3-1, 0-1. Last week: 6.

Flailing arms, awkward teenagers and scrambling terrapins … not sure the opening kickoff at the Big House was the time for a tribute to Vanilla Ice’s “Ninja Rap,” but you do you, Terps.

Michigan wide receiver Ronnie Bell (8) makes a catch against Maryland defensive back Lionell Whitaker (17) during the second half at the Michigan Stadium in Ann Arbor on Saturday, Sept. 24, 2022.

7. Nebraska: DNP

Record: 1-3, 0-1. Last week: 6.

The Huskers of Corn took the week off — after firing the defensive coordinator responsible for allowing 320 points over Nebraska’s past 10 games — but at least they got to watch noted alum Adrian Martinez finally vanquish the hated Oklahoma Sooners. Granted, he was starting for Kansas State, but they’ll take their wins where they can get them.

6. Purdue: W, 28-26, over Florida Atlantic

Record: 2-2, 0-1. Last week: 3.

With sixth-year quarterback Aidan O’Connell out with an unspecified injury, the Boilermakers turned to … sixth-year quarterback Austin Burton, who last started a game for UCLA in 2019 and went 21-for-29 with three TDs and an interception. Who said the Bruins wouldn't succeed in the Big Ten?

Purdue Boilermakers quarterback Austin Burton (12) looks for an open teammate during the NCAA football game against the Florida Atlantic Owls, Saturday, Sept. 24, 2022, at Ross-Ade Stadium in West Lafayette, Ind. Purdue won 28-26.

5. Wisconsin: L, 52-21, to Ohio State

Record: 2-2, 0-1. Last week: 11.

The Badgers started Saturday night with a 2-4-5 alignment on defense. The Buckeyes responded with a 2-1-0 — as in their total yards in the first quarter. (Wisconsin, meanwhile, had 23 yards. Whatever the opposite of nostalgia is, this was it.)

4. Indiana: L, 45-24, to Cincinnati

Record: 3-1, 1-0. Last week: 4.

There aren’t many Big Ten teams who’d let the visiting Bearcats pay tribute to their 2021 College Football Playoff squad with a score close to last season’s 38-24 thumping in Bloomington (add a TD for inflation, eh?), but, eh, basketball season’s still a month away, so we guess the Hoosiers have to do something to pass the time.

Rutgers quarterback Evan Simon (3) looks to pass against Iowa during the first half of an NCAA college football game, Saturday, Sept. 24, 2022, in Piscataway, N.J. (AP Photo/Noah K. Murray)

3. Rutgers: L, 27-10, to Iowa

Record: 3-1, 0-1. Last week: 7.

Scarlet Knights QB Evan Simon threw for 300 yards and three touchdowns against the Hawkeyes, which — adjusted for Iowa’s defense — is like throwing for 490 against a normal team. Then again, only one of those TD passes went to Rutgers receivers; the other two were pick-sixes. Still, Simon wasn’t in danger of being pulled; he’s the only healthy scholarship QB on coach Greg Schiano’s roster, as Noah Vedral and Gavin Wimsatt are injured. “When they can play effectively to win the game, they will be back in the mix,” Schiano said. “But that's what it will be; it will be back in the mix, right? The competition will continue.” Honestly, we’re not sure if that’s a promise or a threat.

2. Northwestern: L, 17-14, to Miami (Ohio)

Record: 1-3, 1-0. Last week: 1.

Look, at this point, the Wildcats losing to a Group of Five team — even one that was 1-2 this season — is kinda like us making a Scott Frost joke: It’s a little late in the year, a reminder of better times, definitely not surprising — and still a little funny.