2023 was the year we binned the sex and dating blueprint: here’s how we rewrote the rules
At times 2023 made us want to hide under the covers and never emerge again, and at others it brought us much to celebrate in the world of sex and relationships. It was a year that gifted us iconic queer moments in TV (Heartstopper, AJLT and Sex Education to name just a few), the Barbie boyfriend test, fetish fashion on the red carpet and celeb romantic reunions.
But, naturally, we have some favourite and notable moments. So shall we cast our minds back? Let’s er, go out with a bang…
Insert *name* here
2023 was the year we gave everything – even our most problematic behaviours – a cute ‘lil nickname. A *lot* of buzzwords entered the chat and these terms became a normal part of how we talk about love.
Rizz was the word of the year as our collective chat-up game was scrutinused ever more harshly by potential matches, the horrors persisted per our fave memes yet we remained delulu about our dating expectations and goals. We became victims of breadcrumbing and zombieing by exes and situationships who just couldn’t leave us alone and insisted on rising from the dead. And as if that wasn’t enough, we were subjected to ghostlighting – a grim combination of ghosting followed by gaslighting – and the sad, inevitable “slow fade”. These behaviours are by no means new, but 2023 gave us a new language to describe them and relate to one another with.
Some of the terms we used in 2023 originated from what we now call “therapy speak” – the phenomenon of taking what we’ve all learnt about relationships in our therapy sessions and diluting the idea into a handy catchphrase that can be easily thrown around. Let’s not forget a prime example of this that had the internet screaming: Jonah Hill and the “boundaries” he tried to impose on now ex girlfriend Sarah Brady. A lot of people questioned the use of the term “boundaries” and accused Hill of using therapy speak to coerce Brady into certain behaviours.
On a lighter note, some of our fave dating buzzwords emerged from a mixture of TikTok influencers, K-pop icons and queer culture. “Dawn dating” came about because a bunch of people just really loved going on dates before 10am – 51% of people in the UK have been on a date before work according to Badoo. Imagine! We also saw the rise of “oystering” – the process of being really happy as a singleton and seeing the world as your oyster. Love it. And then of course, we all spent a minute collectively wondering whether we were “simping” or just being nice to the people we had a crush on.
What’s your type?
Taylor Swift may have ditched her usual type, but we loved an archetype in 2023. We went crazy for love languages, twin flames and apology language tests, astrology memes and TikTok trends that helped us identify whether we were “boy pretty” or “girl pretty” and what our most toxic traits were. According to dating app Pure, apparently, scorpios and leos are the most sexually satisfied star signs, while capricorns are the least. Who knew? Also, sorry scorpio – you’re apparently the worst sign to date. No shade because the experts at Pure say you’re also the kinkiest sign.
It gave us a sense of safety and security to be able to identify ourselves according to a range of predetermined parameters and we took comfort in knowing how to find our perfect match according to our own characteristics and personality types. The world was an uncertain place in 2023 but archetypes made it easier to move through the madness and focus on finding the person who might be right for us amid the chaos. The experts at Bumble also told us that dating according to political affiliation and sustainability credentials had become way more popular in the last year, with people asking a potential match their views on global warming before they’d even arranged to meet up. Priorities, people.
We turned to TikTok
Yes, TikTok was there to guide us every step of the way this year. Whether we were loved up, in a relationship or just looking, we used the “flag system” extensively. Red flags, green flags, beige flags and pink flags became the litmus test for identifying problematic, annoying and admirable qualities in a partner. According to TikTok, red, green and beige flags amassed 8.52 billion views in 2023 and there was a hell of a lot of debate about what constitutes a red flag. Some of us were willing to put up with a lot more than others!
We tested for green ones with tests like the orange peel theory and when we found a partner with green flag traits, we held onto them tight. We also leaned into concepts like the invisible string theory to solidify our relationship choices and obviously, we used TikTok to spam our SO with memes – which were, according to the experts at Hinge, one of the most important shared love languages in 2023.
It was the year that sucked
Sex toys became *way* more popular as sales during the pandemic skyrocketed. And the interest didn’t stop when lockdown was lifted, sex toys have remained as popular as ever with sextech named as one of the most rapidly growing markets in the world by Bedbible. Are we at all surprised? This did wonders for our curiosity and our self-care routines and in 2023 we were feeling far less ashamed. Sextech has became a staple you can shop for just about anywhere, but one type of toy in particular has remained the most popular – the clit sucker.
Suction toys have won the crown as the most popular toy of 2023 as air pressure technology overtook classic vibration as everyone’s preference for a bedside BFF. Obviously, the viral Rose toy had a part to play in how popular suction toys have become and there have been *loads* more released this year with even better features.
We deleted our apps
We turned away from dating apps in 2023 as prompts annoyed us and openers failed to impress and instead, we looked for IRL connection via themed mixers, speed dating, matchmaking and taking part in new social experiments. We tried everything, from wearing a ring to show people in the wild we were single, to handing out note cards with our number on the back. The loneliness epidemic prompted us to meet face to face, instead of connecting through our phones and according to data from Match Group, app use took a dip, especially in the second half of this year.
We opened up
Fluid relationships, threesomes, foursomes and moresomes were the relationship style du jour this year, with non-traditional dynamics becoming more popular than ever. “What is ENM” was one of the most Googled sex questions in 2023 and interest in sex parties and erotic events skyrocketed as we all felt a little more inclined to challenge the status quo when it came to how we enjoy intimacy and connection and with whom.
Kate Moyle, Sex and Relationships Expert at LELO told Cosmopolitan UK that, “2023 was characterised by an opening up of attitudes towards sex and relationships. Taboos surrounding sexual pleasure are being broken down bit by bit.” LELO’s 2023 sex census actually found that one in 10 Brits are considering some form of consensual non monogamy and 1 in 10 have also attended a sex party, though we expect that number to grow in 2024 FYI.
No ifs, no buts
We embraced our curious sides as searches for “how to have anal sex” and “what is anal sex” skyrocketed – seems like everyone was into butt stuff in 2023. According to Bedbible, ownership of anal toys tripled in the last five years, jumping from 16% in 2017 to 46% in 2023. Of those who own sex toys 46% copped to owning some type of anal toy in 2023, a significant rise from just 16% back in 2017.
This interest in embracing new types of sex tracks as we’ve seen a breakdown of shame culture that typically surrounds sexuality and a willingness to embrace new ideas, especially if those ideas result in a more pleasurable experience for everyone involved. Did we ever think that backdoor play would be discussed on some of the most popular podcasts in the world in our lifetime? Well, it happened a *lot* in 2023 and whether you're into it or not, "eating ass" had its media moment.
We turned ourselves on
2023 was also the year we fell out of love with mainstream porn. We looked to alternative sources for our erotic content, swapping tube sites for erotic audio, content by creators on platforms like OnlyFans and sexy film and TV shows. Not content with getting our kicks from dubious platforms with unethical ways of operating, this year was all about leaning into our specific kinks and seeking out personalised content from more ethical sources.
According to online kink and fetish content distributor Clips4Sale, “giantess” became the #1 fetish search term globally in 2023 with foot fetishes in hot pursuit. The camming industry had a bumper year and the UK public fell out of love with studio-produced pornography and went direct to the source, favouring amateur content from models selling content online.
Sexual wellness had a moment
In 2023 we equated sex and pleasure with health and wellbeing in a way we’d never fully done before. We went full Goop and began to view our orgasms as an essential part of our self-care routines, along with our skincare, journalling and yoga. We looked to masturbation for pain relief, doctors prescribed sensual masturbation apps for relaxation and lube was a number one bestseller in the personal care category across the Black Friday weekend in the UK. Makes sense to us! Everyone needs more lube in their lives.
“Looking ahead to 2024, we can expect to see sexual wellness going even more mainstream – where it belongs.” says Kate Moyle. “We’ll see more conversations about sex and intimacy with the growth of sex workshops, and more starter campaigns designed to tackle stigma and boost sexual confidence. Sexual pleasure is no longer in the sidelines!”
Our fave position was…
The speedbump was the most popular position in the UK in 2023. It rose to fame after Love Island contestants all agreed it was their fave and since then, it’s been in the top spot for the most Googled sex position this year. No surprise really, as the position is great for people with vaginas and penises, for strap sex and for anal sex too. It’s also a relatively easy position to master and doesn’t take a whole lot of effort. Lazy sex for the win!
We stayed single and didn’t settle
According to Tinder, at the end of this year, the majority of Gen Zers in the UK are single, 59% say they are solo and happy about it. 2023 was the year of identifying red flags, setting clear boundaries and putting our dream goals and health and wellbeing first. Self-care was in and suffering with the wrong partner was firmly out.
Why might this be? Well, a report from Y Combinator showed us that men outnumbered women on dating apps 9 to one in 2023 as women began to demand more from a match. Influencers made viral videos about choosing celibacy and inner peace over being part of the dating game and we saw a *lot* of content about the bar being so low that it was basically on the floor. Protecting your peace and working on yourself became a huge lifestyle trend this year, and though it seems a positive one, it has led us all to question what might be in store for 2024 if we simply can’t be bothered to put ourselves out there.
We loved on our friends
Then again, when you already have a great community around you, why would you want to chase after the wrong person? Tinder also told us that this year, we were all about prioritising friendships over romantic relationships. Only 6.5% of people in the UK said their priority for 2024 was to date more and the majority of Tinder’s users said they were happiest when with their friends.
Futures Innovation Expert Amy Sellers told Cosmopolitan UK, “It’s clear that UK Gen Z are redefining their role within traditional – or what they might perceive to be – outdated realms of modern society: from dating, personal connections and fashion, they’re writing their own rules. They’re taking a step back from the traditional romantic milestones to prioritise time with their friends, and in 2024, this may look like smaller, more carefully curated social circles.
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