Thu May 29 02:59pm EDT
Listening in on the secret driver's channel from last Saturday night's CarQuest Nationwide race. With only a few laps to go and the race under caution, Denny Hamlin swerves into Brad Keselowski.
Brad Keselowski: Hey! Ow! That hurt!
Denny Hamlin: Dine on my Goodyears, churl! That is how we roll in Sprint Cup!
Brad Keselowski: But - but I'm not in Sprint Cup! This is so majorly not fair! Dale! Dale!
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: ...yes, Brad. What can I do for you?
Brad Keselowski: Dale, did you see what Denny just did?
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Nope. Was doing sudoku.
Brad Keselowski: Sudoku? But we're in the middle of a race!
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: A Nationwide race. It's not, like, real racing or anything. Hell, I caught a nap from laps 25 to 38 back there.
Brad Keselowski: It's a real race to me, Dale! And now I ... and now I ...
[Sniffling sounds come from Keselowski's mike.]
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Brad, are you crying?
Brad Keselowski: NO! I've just got some dust in my eye.
Denny Hamlin: That would be MY dust! And verily, there is an abundance more from whence it came!
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Shut up, Denny. Eat fender. [Thumps the back end of Hamlin's car.]
Denny Hamlin: Foul varlet! You shall taste my fury!
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Whatever. Now, Brad - did the National Guard cry when they lost the Alamo?
Brad Keselowski: I didn't think the National Guard was involved -
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Did AMP Energy Drink cry when Red Bull introduced its refreshing Appletini Avalanche?
Brad Keselowski: Can drinks really cry? I don't think-
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Did I cry when Kyle spun me out in Richmond?
Brad Keselowski: Sure sounded like it.
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: For the last time, that was static. Static, you hear me? Now, look. Only way anybody's ever going to respect you is if you man up and start bringing a little more attitude. You think you can do that?
Brad Keselowski: I, um -- I guess so?
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: What?
Brad Keselowski: I guess so ... sir?
Dale Earnhardt Jr: WHAT?
Brad Keselowski: I GUESS SO, BEEYOTCH!
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Eh. Whatever works for you.
[A few laps later, the racing is done. Keselowski talks to reporters.]
Brad Keselowski: So, yeah, I said, "Boy, you best take that weak-ass thumpin' [bleep] on up the road, ‘cause round here, we drivin' an' thrivin', knowhutI -" [Catches sight of some action on pit road.] Uh-oh. Dale...?
[Hamlin stands atop his #20 car, backlit by the dramatic lights of Lowe's Motor Speedway. He lifts his helmet and bellows to the heavens.]
Denny Hamlin: HAMSTERS! TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!
[Hamlin's crew roars and charges Keselowski's men. Up in the Lowe's Speedway skybox, Joe Gibbs closes his eyes, shakes his head, and turns slowly away.]
Joe Gibbs: Last time I let him watch 300 before a race, I tell you that.
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