Steven Gerrard lifts the Carling Cup trophy. (Getty)
Steven Gerrard said that he would "be there" for his cousin Anthony, who missed the final penalty in Cardiff's heart-breaking shootout loss to Liverpool in the Carling Cup final. Steven stopped to console Anthony before celebrating Liverpool's win, but Anthony obviously wasn't in the mood to listen. The following is a transcript of Steven checking in on his distraught younger cousin a couple of days later.
Steven: Hi, this is your cousin, 2012 Carling Cup winner Steven Gerrard. Are you feeling as great as I am yet?
Anthony: Hi, Steven. No. I'm not.
Steven: Well you should be because your cousin won the Carling Cup and you shouldn't just think about yourself all the time because that's really self-centered and mean to the members of your family that are happy right now. Also I just named my winner's medal "Anthony" in your honor because I'm super nice like that so you're welcome.
Anthony: Yeah, I'm sorry, Steven, but I'm just still not in the mood to talk yet. Can we talk another time?
Steven: Of course we can talk another time. In fact, I was just talking to Charlie Adam, who won a a Nobel peace prize for playing James Bond in that documentary about the plight of Octopussies and now works for me at Liverpool, and he was like, "Oh Steven Gerrard, it was so nice of you to get your penalty blocked on purpose out of respect for your cousin. They should name several doves after you and maybe a shark that is uncharacteristically gentle." And I was like, "Yeah, all of that is totally true. But your cousin doesn't play for Cardiff so you really didn't have to kick yours into another dimension." And he was like, "I was actually trying to score." And I was like "..." and he was like "..."
Anthony: That doesn't help me, Steven. Can we just talk about something else?
Steven: I was just going to before you interrupted me like some kind of geometry professor from London. Anyway, I was talking to the grandmother I generously share with you and she said, "Oh Steven Gerrard, I hope you get Anthony a gift to cheer him up after he choked under the intense pressure of the Carling Cup final that you overcame with the grace and ease of a chef that cured diabetes." And I was like, "I got him a Zune filled with Phil Collins live performances but then I realized that I wanted it more, so I'm just going to give him a comforting phone call that makes him feel good about himself and gives him the courage to start a stamp collection before stamps no longer exist anymore. So when are you going to knit me some new shinpads?" And she was like "..." and I was like "..."
Anthony: Our grandmother never called you "Steven Gerrard," Steven. And I don't want to start a stamp collection.
Steven: Good. Stamps are dumb and us Steven Gerrards are basically superheros who can make babies out of Sega Genesis controllers.
Anthony: Whatever, look, I have to go now Steven. I'll talk to you when I'm feeling better, yeah?
Steven: Yeah, that's totally a yeah. Just be sure to put sprinkles on the cupcakes I assume you're making for me right now and you'll be fine in no time.
Anthony: I'm not making you cupcakes, Steven. Just go to the shop and get some yourself.
- Steven Gerrard