Dimitar Berbatov is…The Continental

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me waiting for you to perform your fantasies on me. ... No, not the one that involves you calling the police on me again, I mean the ones that are even more erotic than that. The ones that involve mayonnaise and my cousin Timitar Berbatov's entire collection of taxidermied raccoons watching us. ... Oh, you don't have fantasies that involve any of those things? Well I do. Ha-HA!

Judging by the way you're rolling your eyes at me while you back away, it seems you simply do not understand what a caring and sensual person The Berba truly is. In fact, I demonstrated my Berba-benevolence while leading Manchester United to yet another seductive victory over Chelsea when I entered the match and tried to make Fernando Torres feel better about his horrific miss with a purposeful miss of my own. ... Yes, it was on purpose and it was quite difficult considering how effortlessly I am able to score both on and off the pitch. And by "off the pitch," I mean in your bedroom. And behind the local sewage treatment plant. Ha-HA!

So, now that I've told you how kind and hedonistic I am, perhaps you would like to pretend you are Fernando Torres' twin sister who happens to be a sexy wizard and thank me for my selflessness?

Oh-OHH! Michael Carrick just stepped on my kidney! Why does he never watch where he's going? Oh, I just learned his name yesterday and I already don't like him. Oh, I hope Timitar saved one of those raccoon kidneys so I can replace my damaged one and casually mention the fact that I have a raccoon kidney as yet another one of my fail-proof pick-up lines.

Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...

Photo: Getty