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Dirty Tackle

If it continued… (Chelsea v Manchester United)

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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"Can you believe this guy?" (Getty)

Manchester United beat Chelsea in a Premier League match at Stamford Bridge for the first time in a decade and yet, it was a rather quiet and uneventful match. Except, it was the exact opposite and included two red cards, an offside goal and accusations that the referee racially abused multiple players. So. Given all that, we almost have to ask "What if it continued?" Even if we don't really want to know the answer.

97' -- David De Gea's critics hope he stops making great saves so they can get back to slating him already.

102' -- Fernando Torres' match rating improves after being sent off.

110' -- Mark Clattenburg shows Ramires a red card just because he can.

113' -- Mark Clattenburg shows Petr Cech a red card because f*** that guy and his helmet.

115' -- Mark Clattenburg shows Gary Cahill a red card because he wants to watch the world burn.

122' -- Enjoying this match more than any other he's witnessed since leaving Porto, Andre Villas-Boas attempts to record it. But he's unable to figure out how and refuses to use an old, reliable VHS system he inherited so he prank calls Roman Abramovich again instead.

126' -- The fourth official reconsiders his career choice...

"I should've been a dentist." (Getty)

134'-- Wayne Rooney glues firecrackers to his shirt and does a bit of parkour just to give the match the one thing it was missing.

138' -- Everyone forgets that if it weren't for David Luiz's own goal it would still be 2-2 even with everything else that's happened.

139' -- Elsewhere, a small child falls over while learning to walk. It is immediately accused of diving and ostracized from society.

141' -- Chicharito builds a home inside Chelsea's goal with a water bed and a fireplace and crown molding. He only emerges to score against them. And sometimes to buy candies and suger-free Coke.

145' -- John Terry has an introspective moment while sitting in the stands that results in him deciding that James Bond films are pretty great.

150' -- The match is abandoned when every person in the stadium shouts racial slurs so loud that Didier Drogba can hear them in China. He briefly considers caring enough to declare this a "f***ing disgrace" but remembers that he won the Champions League and now has more money than Burt Reynolds. His cat, Kitier Katba, however, decides that all humans are awful and plans to destroy them as soon as he loses enough weight to get out of his litter box under his own power. But that will never happen.

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