Dirty Tackle

Artur Boruc’s International Break Rage List

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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AHHHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT ARE MAKING ME ANGRY DURING THE INTERNATIONAL BREAK:

1. BOREDOM — AHHHHHHHHH I HATE BEING BORED AND INTERNATIONAL BREAKS ARE LIKE A BOREDOM FACTORY THAT OPERATES 24 HOURS A DAY CREATING BOXES FULL OF BOREDOM AND COMPLETELY IGNORES ETHICAL LABOR PRACTICES!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE THEN I'LL JUST SAY THAT INTERNATIONAL BREAKS MAKE ME WANT TO PUT CRUDE OIL IN MY MOUTH AND THEN PUSH A LIT MATCH UP MY NOSE AND THEN HEADBUTT A MONOPOLY BOARD WHILE SPITTING GOOEY FIRE ALL OVER A RESTAURANT THAT HAS TERRIBLE INTERNET REVIEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IF THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE THEN I'M SORRY BUT THERE ISN'T A SIMPLER WAY TO PUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL — WHY DOES IT STILL EXIST?!?!?!? FANS HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH FOUR YEARS OF BORING INTERNATIONAL BREAKS JUST SO 32 TEAMS COMPRISED OF PLAYERS THAT AREN'T NECESSARILY FROM THEIR RESPECTIVE COUNTRIES CAN PLAY A TOURNAMENT THAT ONLY LASTS A MONTH AND CATERS EXCLUSIVELY TO CORPORATIONS AND SERVES TO GIVE CORRUPT GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS AND FIFA EXECUTIVES EVEN MORE MONEY AND POWER THAN THEY ALREADY HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND NOW IT'S ALSO RESULTING IN THE DEATHS OF THOUSANDS OF MIGRANT WORKERS IN QATAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! CLUB FOOTBALL IS BETTER ANYWAY AND ONLY 78 PERCENT AS NEFARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND NO I'M NOT JUST SAYING THIS BECAUSE POLAND DIDN'T QUALIFY!!!!!!!!!!!! IF THE WORLD CUP STOPPED EXISTING TOMORROW THE WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE AND EVERYONE WOULD PROBABLY GET FREE CUPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH DON'T QUESTION THAT LAST PART!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. PEOPLE WHO DON'T BELIEVE THAT KEEPERS CAN SCORE COOL GOALS TOO — LOOK AT THIS COOL GOAL I SCORED IN TRAINING:

SEE!!!!!!!!!!! DO YOU SEE IT?!?!?!?!?!?!! I JUST PRETENDED THAT THE BALL WAS A RACIST PTERODACTYL ATTEMPTING TO FLEE THE SCENE OF A CRIME AND THAT MY FOOT WAS MY FOOT DELIVERING VIGILANTE JUSTICE IN A WAY THAT THE POLICE WOULD REWARD WITH A GIFT CARD TO A HAIR SALON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO TAKE THAT WOJCIECH SZCZESNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN'T HANDLE ANY PART OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. CORN — IF YOU'VE BEEN WONDERING WHY I HAVEN'T BEEN DOING MY FRIDAY RAGE LISTS IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN DEVOTING MYSELF MORE FULLY TO THE NOBLE FIGHT AGAINST THE KERNELED MENACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE CORN NEVER SLEEPS AND NEITHER DO I!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE SOLE REASON WHY SOUTHAMPTON ARE IN FOURTH PLACE IN THE PREMIER LEAGUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE I RELENTLESSLY PUNCH CORN IN ITS STUPID DEVIL COB WITH HOMEMADE SHARK TEETH KNUCKLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH MANCHESTER UNITED BETTER NOT STEAL MY SECRET TO SUCCESS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. PLAYING AGAINST ENGLAND AT WEMBLEY — I WANT TO WIN SO MUCH BUT BETWEEN MY TIME AT CELTIC AND NOW AT SOUTHAMPTON BRITAIN IS LIKE A SECOND HOME TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS MAKES ME FEEL CONFLICTED!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SLIGHTLY DIZZY BUT THAT'S PROBABLY FROM THE SPORTS BOTTLE FULL OF PAINT THINNER THAT I'M DRINKING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AS A GOODWILL GESTURE I TRIED TO DELIVER AN EXPENSIVE SET OF NINJA STARS TO THE QUEEN BY THROWING THEM THROUGH THE WINDOW AT HER HOUSE WHILE SINGING THE VERY BEST TAYLOR SWIFT SONGS BUT SHE STILL HASN'T SENT ME A THANK YOU NOTE YET SO I DON'T FEEL BAD ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH WHY DOES THE QUEEN HAVE TO BE SO RUDE!?!?!?!?!?!?!

6. PIZZA — WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO DELICIOUS!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

7. ANTICIPATION — I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL LUIS SUAREZ TRIES TO BITE ME WHEN SOUTHAMPTON PLAY LIVERPOOL IN MARCH!!!!!!!!!!!! HE WAS STILL SERVING HIS BAN WHEN WE BEAT THEM IN SEPTEMBER SO HE BETTER NOT BITE ANYONE ELSE BEFORE I GET TO FACE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BITE FIGHT!!!!!!! BITE FIGHT!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH BITE FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. HALLOWEEN — I'M RUNNING OUT OF CHARACTERS FROM THE LITTLE MERMAID TO BE FOR HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI — AS ANNOYING AS MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI AND HIS GOOBER KIDS ARE DURING NORMAL WEEKS THEY ARE EIGHT MILLION TIMES MORE WORSE DURING INTERNATIONAL BREAKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ON WEDNESDAY MORNING THE YOUNGEST GOOBER KID KNOCKED ON MY DOOR WHILE I WAS IN THE MIDST OF MAKING SURE THAT MY HOME FIRST AID KIT IS FULLY STOCKED WITH RICIN AND MACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN I ANSWERED THE DOOR BY DROPKICKING IT OFF ITS HINGES HE ASKED IF I WANTED TO PLAY IMAGINATION GAMES SINCE I HAVE A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD HIM THAT EVEN THOUGH IT'S CALLED AN INTERNATIONAL BREAK I STILL GET TO PLAY FOOTBALL EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I'M NOT JUDGING HIM EVEN THOUGH HE REALLY SHOULD'VE KNOWN THAT ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!! HE GAVE ME A DISAPPOINTED LOOK AND THEN STARTED TO WALK AWAY LIKE SOMEONE WHO JUST FOUND OUT THAT OUTER SPACE SMELLS LIKE BUNIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS TOO SAD TO WATCH SO I DECIDED TO GIVE HIM THE LIVE DOLPHIN I HAPPENED TO HAVE IN MY BATHTUB!!!!!!!!!!!! HE WAS SO EXCITED BUT NOT FIVE MINUTES LATER HIS FATHER BROUGHT IT BACK SAYING THEY HAD NOWHERE TO KEEP A LIVE DOLPHIN LIKE THAT IS ACTUALLY TRUE FOR ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!! SO I GAVE HIM A PENGUIN INSTEAD AND THEN SLAMMED THE DOOR ONCE HE WAS PRETTY FAR AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THIS DOLPHIN EVEN CAME FROM BUT I'VE DECIDED TO CALL IT HERBERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. GOD BLESS!!!!!!

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